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Funny | Romance | Series | Short Stories

Captain von 'Clap' Trapp

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of some ages, good day.
My name is… well you can call me Narrator. And I love my role. I am omnipresent. I see it all. I hear it all. As far as this story is concerned, I’m everywhere. If you weren’t reading but were in this tale about to unfold, I would see your every move; hear your heart beat. I am as close to a mortal god as is possible.
And so I have a tale to tell. What else is new? I hear there’s a new version of Microsoft Windows in the making and the Japanese have technology that can take your flight info and check you in – from your mobile phone; even when it’s switched off.
But you’re really not here for those stories, are ya?
You’re here for the juicy gist. About Morim and Theo.
They might as well have been astronauts on a trip to Mars. For two reasons:
1. They met in space; and
2. Their chemistry was OUT of this WORLD
Haha. (or in chat lingo, lol) I have just tweaked you a bit. I am a pretty quirky, fickle narrator. I know, I know: I should have led with that. So I didn’t. Here’s my bum – bite me! They met in space? Yes. Cyberspace.
I’m not sure if disclosing their initial rendezvous point will make either of them queasy when they read this. But I’m Narrator and I don’t care. It was on this new site. Don’t know if you cavemen have heard of it:
If you don’t know what it is – dark-age relics that you all are – then you probably don’t know where google is which in turn means that you’ll never know for sure what I’m talking about. Your luck, I don’t care. Look for something else if you’re tired.
Speaking of tired, guess who’s tired? Moi. I need a tall glass of Kool Aid. And it’s not because the job of narrator is stressful.
But what part of “I am a pretty quirky, fickle narrator” is yet to sink in?
However, quirky as I am, I’m not wicked. I got something for ya… I snuck into their inboxes. And I got some stuff!
What? Did I hear someone say “invasion of privacy”? Talk am loud na! I dare you!
Anyway, fickle doesn’t always mean bad. I have taken the time and big ole effort to re-arrange the entries. If not, you’d have to read the stuff upside down. Oya: say “Thank you!”

Book I: Latent Attraction
On Tue, April 6th 2010 at 6.32 pm, Theo Gee wrote:
“Hey. Saw ur pix. U luk awesome. No offense but there are lots of cute chix all over fb. This mail is happening bcos of your ‘about me’ section. Lol! Cant resist a lady who doesnt send. Hit me up if you wanna continue this. L8r…”
On Wed, April 7th 2010 at 6.30 am, Morim P. wrote:
“I’m actually tempted to delete your mail and reply you with the worst stinker ever written. But unlike you, I’m going to be civil and not diss your profile picture. It’s not an insult – you really do look malnourished. And quite hideous in a suit. I’m off to work. If you do have a job, it probably doesn’t pay well. Get a new one. And a life. See ya!”
On Wed, April 7th 2010 at 3.07 pm, Theo Gee wrote:
“Well arent we caustic. Look wat d Grinch brought for easter! Well, its not your fault. If you had dignified my friend request wit a positiv reply, u wld av seen that my profile picture is of my gd friend James. He died last month of HIV. Thanx for the reminder. I love you too!”
On Wed, April 7th 2010 at 9.30 pm, Morim P. wrote:
“Oh dear, I’m sooo sorry. I … oh my. Didn’t mean to seem so callous. I had no idea. Really. It’s just that you put me off with your hors d’oeuvre. Ugh. I’m sorry, ok?”

1 new notification
Morim P. has sent you a friend request.
Confirm Ignore

On Thu, April 8th 2010 at 10.46 am, Theo Gee wrote:
“I 4giv you. It wasnt your fault anyway. I see you wasted no time ignoring my friend request. Hence the need for you to add me. Funny, isn’t it?”

Theo G. and Morim P. are now friends.
And I’m back! Yup! What? You missed me? Don’t flatter. I feel like stopping here for today. You know, just to watch you all squirm till I return. But my nephew’s pretty boring, that 6-year-old. Shame. At this rate, I’d like to see the onion bag in 54 years’ time. His saliva will probably form the major chemical used in new, improved anesthetics. So, yeah – I’d be happy to stay and gist you. Bugger…
News Most Recent Status Update
Theo G. Lite travels faster than sound. Ds is why some people appear bright until you her them speak! Lol….
20 minutes ago. Via Facebook for Blackberry

Soon enough, there was some chat activity… Once again, be thankful for my post-editing. I took out all the unsavoury chat stuff – like the time logs. You don’t really need to see how long each was taking to reply. At least I don’t think you do! And I’m King of this gist. So, everybody, kneel and chorus:
“All hail Narrator,
Ruler and creator,
Gister and editor!”

Morim P: Yoo hoo!
Morim P: Anybody home?
Theo Gee: HI!!! Boy am I suprysd!
Theo Gee: 2 wat do I owe this honour?
Morim P: What honour? Please don’t go there. I’m embarrassed enough as it is.
Theo Gee: nah. dont b. Wasnt yr fault. So… Lyk I asked b4:
Theo Gee: whats d occasion. seein as u deemed me fit to gist wit 2day
Morim P: Nothing much. I saw your status update. Real funny.
Theo Gee: ah well, we av ‘’ to thank 4 dat. I subscribe…
Morim P: Oh really? huh? Now I’ll just have to marry you, won’t I?
Theo Gee: Lolz… But seruly, I’ve got a ton where that came from
Theo Gee: i meant seriouslsley
Theo Gee: seriously! and seriously, wat iz up wit ma kybod?
Theo Gee: keyboard. aaaarrghhh!!!
Morim P: hehehe. My turn to laugh
Theo Gee: yeah you wld. Was usin my bb wit ease o. dumb battry gave out and now I’m stuk wit my faulty laptop while it charges
Morim P: Well don’t worry… you are not the only one who has suffered keyboard woes.
Theo Gee: Oh rily? enlighten me pls…
Morim P: I too have been a pretty vicious victim. Was real embarrassing
Theo Gee: Shpeel! love to hear abt yr embarrassment. shpeel!
Morim P: Well, I was chatting with an old friend from secondary school once and I was giving him gist…
Theo Gee: yeah?
Morim P: my keyboard had been having issues: whenever I pressed ‘I’, ‘I’ and ‘O’ would sometimes show up on the screen together…
Theo Gee: o dis is goin 2 be gud…
Morim P: I finished the gist – which ended happily – by saying I left a male friend’s house smiling…
Theo Gee: uh huh
Morim P: guess what I wrote:
Theo Gee: WAAAT?
Morim P: “… left his house with a GROIN on my face…”
Theo Gee: ROTFLMBFAO!!!!! @##$ wth?
Morim P: Yep. I wrote that
Theo Gee: `Wow. dat was funny
Morim P: Yeah, yeah. Guess I’m no more the easter Grinch?
Theo Gee: O but u are….
Morim P: Hmph..
Theo Gee: psyke!
Morim P: Lucky you. You would have been written off instantly.
Morim P: And your spellings need Jesus! Dude: ‘psyke’?!
Theo Gee: wat cn I sy
Theo Gee: say
Theo Gee: I luv to misspell
Morim P: ok o! Hope you do it deliberately.
Theo Gee: don’t play wit me o
Theo Gee: National Spelling Bee Contest winner. 3 yrs in a row! jst gru up a rebel is all
Morim P: Rebel indeed! See how you tried to storm your way into my fb life
Theo Gee: yeah… about dat
Morim P: I’m listening…
Theo Gee: I normaly dnt do that
Theo Gee: I rily dont. in reality, I saw yr comment on someone’s note
Morim P: which one?
Theo Gee: I tink it was titled “Vegas in Africa” or sth
Morim P: oh yeah. I remember. I was feeling groovy that day
Theo Gee: anyway, yr comment was kinda cool and I got curious. viewed yr profile outta curiousity and 1ce I did, cudnt pass u up
Theo Gee: sori if I seemed rude
Morim P: It’s ok
Theo Gee: nywayz, ds was fun. I gotta go tho.
Morim P: Ok. It WAS fun.
Theo Gee: witout seemin 4ward… cn we chat ‘gain 2mrw?
Morim P: I’ll see what I can do, Theo. I’ll see what I can do
Theo Gee: Ok. fyn. I’ll b on d prowl sha
Morim P: lol. Ok. See ya!
Theo Gee: k. bye!

And that was how those two gum-heads met. The next day, they actually chatted again. And I have
the info. So let me dish…

Morim P: Hello?
Morim P: Theo!
Morim P: U there?
Morim P: Guess not.
Morim P: Maybe some other time. so much for you being ‘on the prowl’
Theo Gee: Hey. Hold up!!!!!!
Morim P: hey
Theo Gee: I’m here.
Theo Gee: And with good spellin mnnas to boot!
Theo Gee: ‘manners’. 4giv
Morim P: huh?
Theo Gee: forgive. its not eazy nah!!! cant change literally overnight…
Oops –a-daisy! Sorry dudes, but I gotta scram. Be back with more gist next time. This conceited baby my sister gave birth to suddenly wants to play.
And I can’t do that and still be your Nigerian version of Perez Hilton, can I? So, I be back later. Be good and use a condom…
I just realized I should have told my brother-in-law THAT seven years ago…

CLOSING SNIPPET: Morim’s ‘About Me’ section
“I am a beautiful and intelligent woman. Both in the extreme. If that bothers you, then I have a placatory gift for you: the co-ordinates to Mt. Kilimanjaro. The figures are accompanied a sole instruction: when you get to the top…


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