I saw him from afar.Eyes trained on me like a hawk, nostrils flaring like the ears of an elephant.I saw the uniform-custard shirt and burgundy trousers.His were faded, a far cry from what it may once have been.He strode confidently towards me, his eyes never leaving my face.
âIâÂÂll call you backâ, I murmured as Iààletàmyàblackberryàslide down unto the floor of the car.I left my left hand where it was; over my left ear and hastily rearranged the muscles of my face to assume a bored, disinterested look.
The man closed in.Madam Lawbreaker!, he called,slamming his hand on the bonnet of the car.âPardon?â, I answered, cocking my head.
He then ordered me to park.
âListen Oga, I am running late to pick my son from daycareâ.âWould you kindly get out of my way?â.
By now twoÃÂ identicallyÃÂ dressed men had joined the him.One ofÃÂ them was short and swarthy.His beret hung atop his head, bearing an uncanny resemblance to the National Theatre Building.If it was possible, it made him look even rounder.
The other was tall and thin.His uniform looked like it would still have been his size if he grew three dress sizes larger.His eyes were even more hawk-like.A look of pureÃÂ hostility emanated from them.
âYou cant answer your phone while driving and expect us toÃÂ leave you aloneâ, the tall thin one stated stone-faced.
Horns had begun blaring and the cars behind me were swerving to either side of me. âMadam park over thereâ, they barked,pointing to the sandy pavement on the right.
âWhy should I park?â,I queried,loud alarm bells sounding off in my head.âMy hand was over my ear because the noise from the trafficÃÂ was too muchâ, I said with a shrill whine.
They smirked in response.
Although the regulator of the air -conditioner was set at high, beads of perspiration had gathered on my forehead,sweat had pooled in my armpits; drenching my white linen shirt.I slowly pulled over to the side of the road,wound down the window ÃÂ but remained seated in the car.
âThe fine àfor answering your phone while driving is twenty thousand nairaâ, the tall one said,and in an almost whisper,he continuedâ¦but you can give us ten thousand,so you wont have to go to the officeâÂÂ.
Mind racingà, Iàsat thereàwondering if I was going to have to part with the ten thousand naira I had tucked away in the pigeon hole of my car.I kept the money there so I wouldnâÂÂt be tempted to pinch it.
It had a definiteÃÂ purpose.
It was for myÃÂ blackberry internet subscription andÃÂ airtime allowance for the next month.I looked longingly at the pigeon hole and it looked back at me.Visions of pigeons in custard and burgundy flying away with the money flashed through my mind.
The first manàstarted as if he was going to go round the car and get in through the passenger door.This time, the pigeons in my mind pecked at my nose with their beaks as if to say ,âThis is how you are going to pay-through your nose!âÂÂ.Iàdredged upàstories I had heard of people who had been accosted by these kind of men ,and as soon as they made the faux pas of letting them throughàthe passenger door,their lives never remained the same.Their pockets wereàalmost certainlyàless full after the encounter.
I made a resolution to be different.I was going to show these wolves thatàa womanâÂÂs telephone funds mean a lot to her.It is almost as sacrosanct as her cosmetics fund.In that split second, Iàenvisionedàmyàblackberry sobbing everyday of the next month,because it had been reduced to a shell,a caricature,a lower level device ,same as àmany of the other phones of the world.Its glory taken away from it,as itâÂÂll now only be good for incoming ;calls and texts.Outgoing calls werent even guaranteed as my recharge card allowance was also in jeopardy!
Because, of what useàisàaàblackberry without internet service?,I reasoned.ItâÂÂs like a Lincoln without the navigating system,a peacock without its wings.I risked a glance at my watch.It was getting late.I was keeping a restless child waiting.
The man was close to the door already and as he put his hand on the door handle, the cold hands of fear closed in on my throat.I could hardly breathe.Iàestimated the distance between me and the car in front.I remembered my high school physics.Had I attended the class?Oh yes I had!The drone of the aged,pockmarkedàmale teacher floated by.âÂÂSpeed is distance divided by timeâÂÂ,he had droned.How many seconds will it takeàto put a distance of at least a hundred metres between me and these hawks?How far gone and at what speed will I moveàbefore they recover andàcome in hot pursuit of me?
The decision seemed life and death.
The distant sobs of my BB echoed.
AsàIàpressed my foot on the acccelerator, my tires splayed a rain of sand on the lady groundnut seller on the side of the road.I silently uttered a plea for forgiveness.âPlease ma,if I have to come back and buy all your groundnut,I willâÂÂ.It looks to me to be no more than one thousand naira, that is â¦uhm⦠;the entire assets of the business!
The door handle was slowly making a ninety degree clockwise rotation and with each unit of angle,my blood pressureÃÂ rose in direct proportion.I scanned the oncoming traffic with theÃÂ corner of my eye and with my hand clutching the steering wheelÃÂ so tightly ; my fingerprints are still there till this day,I accelerated sharply and almost sent the two men on my left out of their skins.
The tall thin man in a ÃÂ remarkableÃÂ display of presence of mind immediatelyÃÂ shoved his more bulky colleaugue out of the way.
My 2003 Toyota Corolla sped away amidst shrieks and screams from bystanders and the smell of burning rubber.Darting àin and out of traffic like a worm fleeingàsalt ,totally immune to the curses of my fellow road users,I heard the men yelling,â âHey, stop there,stop that woman!âÂÂ.
Stop?, I thought.
Even if an angel appeared in front of me,at this rate, I may have driven right through him.I looked in my rear view mirror.Eyes squinting, I saw what looked to me likeÃÂ three blobsÃÂ of custard and burgundy bobbing atop machine horses.I quickly realised it was the men.The hairs at the back of my neck rose.I floored the accelerator.As they gained in on me,the tall thin one jumped off the bike,eyes blazing, face contorted into a mask of icy rage, he put his ÃÂ hand in through my window and reached out to try and take out my keys.
As his bony fingers touched the keys, I awoke!
Drenched in a pool of sweat , heartÃÂ thumpingÃÂ like a finely tuned bass drumÃÂ ,I sat up from the couch.
Alas, it was but a dream!
A dream?
Groggily, I reached out and felt for myÃÂ blackberry beside me.I picked it up and held it close to my chest.
Some one was knocking.âWho is it?â, I croaked.Gingerly,I got up andÃÂ stumbled to the door, and peering through the door hole, I saw the faces of men.I opened the door slowly.They were three.
âWe are security men from the estate,we have come to collect ten thousand naira for your security levyâ, they stammered.
The colour of their uniforms were-custard and burgundy!
So the ten thousand Naira goes anyway. Okay, think you better start practicing your texting and flashing skills. Your described the events in the story well. Really enjoyed it.
?Thanks Jaywriterâ¦me?â¦this is afterall fictionâ¦.I do not even own a BB,but if I did I would take your adviceâ¦lolâ¦Cheers!
?Sorry âyouâ instead of âyourâÂÂ. The space after your punctuation marks, youâÂÂre really working on then. ThatâÂÂs also very good. But there were still some you didnâÂÂt space out well. Trust your next postâÂÂll be perfect. Waiting for the next post.
?@Jayâ¦I took all the advice and edited this before the reviewâ¦and I know I missed out someâ¦yeaâ¦next post will be perfectâ¦I hope
?ROFLOLMAOFIAW,I really enjoyed this and I had a good laugh,lol @ nostrils like ears of an elephant,would love to see,the addiction to BBs is amazing,people would rather subscribe for the next month than eat and no one is an exception.
?Good tale and I love that âJames Bondâ part.
Gretel dear,what on earth is *ROFLOLMAOFIAW*â¦that in itself is hilarious!IâÂÂm really glad you like itâ¦and yea I have a sister who puts aside BB money before anything else *smh*
?Nice oneâ¦A BB time actâ¦well, me likeâ¦.
?lol@treasured1â¦IâÂÂm used to your one-liners by now.A man of few words ,eh?
?IâÂÂm glad you like!
LOL @ the 10,000 naira going AWOL either way. Hilarious read - I could actually picture the scenes in my head.
?@Lara B..picture was vivid,eh?
?thanks a lot!
Lngkmd! This is so freaking funny! she just had to part with the 10k ehn?
?The thing wey blackberry go cause ehn?
Well done dear. IâÂÂve got tears of joy in my eyes.
awwwwwwâ¦.my sweet RemiRoy wey we wan fight that timeâ¦IâÂÂm so glad you like it.I wrote it especially for you;-)
?Wowâ¦such a strong sense of description. My heartfelt worries for the groundnut seller.Great job!!!
?Thank you JaysPLANETâ¦pitying the groundenut seller,eh?
?Look at it this way.A question of opportunity cost.If the MC can avoid paying 10k and return and pay 1k for groundnut.Nothing spoil!
Thanks boss,IâÂÂm so glad you like.
Wow!!!So it was dream after all but the 10k was still doomed.lol!
?very intense storytelling skills youâÂÂve got there maâÂÂam, set me on the edge of my seat and had to as much to save myself from embarrassment from laughing uncontrollably.if only the people around me knew.
Great job!!!
dwisebaba,IâÂÂm blushingâ¦@intense @set on the edge of seat @embarrassment @laughing uncontrollably @Great job!!!!!!
?@everythingâ¦IâÂÂve begun to scrape the surface then.
Gosh, I know it was a dream, but trust me, half of the story rings very true! To me at least - when I was home I used to dread those guys! Back then they never asked for bribes, and never took them if you offered! YouâÂÂd follow them to their office whether you liked it or not. So menacing! And I loved the imagery with the âvisions of pigeons in custard and burgundyâ flying off with her cash
. Very entertaining read, berry. I know the BB craze is very much with us, so I totally feel her pain, lol.
?@Maryaâ¦and I wanted to fight with you(sob!sob):-(
?Thank you!Thank you!Thank you!â¦IâÂÂm glad you loved visions of pigeons in custard and burgundyâ¦I tried to tie it with the pigeon hole(I wonder why they call it that)â¦.and IâÂÂm a bit amused that nobody is calling their name-err the guys!;-)
Thanks babes!Greater muse to NS WRITERS!
Lol @ the âfightingâ. And I donâÂÂt mean to go on and on, but
. . .this was really good! The way you gave breath and life to the BB, mirrors exactly what it means to a lot of its users! I mean like, some folks are actually psychologically attached to their smartphones 
. I wish you could get this put in a mag, so pple can read and understand that this BB mania has to be addressed, lol.
?@Maryaâ¦u figure abi?
?Have you seen a chick crossing the road and BBing or pple BBing in church(my sis once said,when scolded by me,that she was on her Bible app)*rolling my eyes heavenward*â¦it didnâÂÂt matter that I could hear that famous obnoxious soundâ¦we all know itâ¦.*ping*!!!!!
Well, IâÂÂve got a Bible app on my BB and my other phones, and I hardly take an actual Bible to church these days, lol. The Bible app saves you time looking for chapters, and itâÂÂs sure much lighter to carry! But I believe you about your sister: that tell-tale sound meant she was probably busy on her messenger! Well, IâÂÂve never been BB mad, it serves a purpose for me but IâÂÂll never lose any sleep over it, and I certainly donâÂÂt clutch it to my chest like the woman did when she woke up from her LASTMA dream (:D yeah, IâÂÂve said their name now, too. CouldnâÂÂt remember earlier what they were called, lol)
?Lolâ¦.IâÂÂm not there oh!
?This is really good I must say, got my heart racing at some point. Yeah, IâÂÂd dare to call their nameâ¦or maybe not, I prefer the âcustard- coloured- shirt and burgundy- trouser wearingâ description.
Well done!
?@Scopeman,much thanks, dearâ¦you no get liver to say it ,eh?IâÂÂll try LA****â¦.me too I know get!!
â¦.IâÂÂm glad you like..Cheers!
?Okay, now I don chop liver belleful, here goes, *LASTMA*.
?Me I no get any 10 grand for inside pigeon hole to give anybody sha.
@Scopemanâ¦den den denâ¦.You are hereby indicted for treason
?HOT DAMN!!!
ME LIKEE!!!
?HOT DAMN!!!!
?THANK YOU!!!
Berry lolâÂÂs the comment youâÂÂll get from me!
?Well done!
@Abbyâ¦thank youâ¦.thanks a lot!!!:-)
?Brilliantly written and hilarious, I absolutely enjoyed reading this O!
?Awwwâ¦Tee Akindeleâ¦.The Great Poetâ¦Write me a poem to tell me how much you enjoyed reading!!Thanks a lot
?So she had to part with her 10k either way. Lol. Your powers of description are quite strong. Well done.
?Thank you Ucheâ¦I did the best I could at the timeâ¦IâÂÂm glad you like itâ¦Cheers!
?LMAO! I think her dream was actually a premonition.
?From someone whose BB and Android rules her life, i totally understand.
Very funny story. I like a lot.
Thank [email protected] BB and Android rule your life?Do u ping in church??? lolâ¦or do u ping when crossing the street(that has to be the funniest ever!)â¦IâÂÂm so happy I made you laugh!
?Now this is how I like a story:descritions were spot on and I liked your many comparisms.
You write well feisty, and you sure have a lot going for you.
Well done!!!
?@Lawalâ¦IâÂÂm truly gratefulâ¦your goodwill shines through your wordsâ¦IâÂÂm glad IâÂÂm scraping the surface..Thanks a lot.
?Moderation is a virtue, no doubt Berry.But this is more than scratching the surface, I can assure you.
Well done once again.
?@Lawal â¦all I can do is this
?very well tod Berry
?he lost the 10,000 at last i guess.lol
She did yes!Thank you â¦.Andy, IâÂÂm glad you think it was told well.Cheers.
?you are welcome
?The story was very vividly written - you did a good job of conveying the MCâÂÂs anxiety and fear over the emasculation of her BlackBerry - so that I read avidly right up to the point where the officials were chasing her and gaining on her. So well done there.
Apart from the usual technical glitches here and there like tense confusion and missing spaces after punctuation, I felt that the ending didnâÂÂt quite work. I donâÂÂt know if you were going for the unexpected surprise, where the MCâÂÂs BlackBerry money was eventually consumed in some other way, but surely she would have expected that she needed to pay a security levy? I also didnâÂÂt know what to make of the fact that the colour of the security officials was the same colour of the road officials⦠does this mean that sheâÂÂs psychic?
One last thing that could cause confusion; in the story, thereâÂÂs this:
So, was this really a dream, if the fingerprints are still there?
?Great again, TolaO, IâÂÂm glad the story made such an impression.
?1. I was going for an unexpected suprise ending..look at it this wayâ¦the point was that the 10k was specifically for the BB subcriptionâ¦so whether or not the MC knew there was a security levy doesnâÂÂt matter in my opinion(I stand to be corrected of course), but even if she knew about the levy;it may have been say every three months or that was even the first time it came up.