Dayo….: A short Short.

 Posted by       144 views  Flash, Horror and Supernatural
Apr 072011


He saw her again, the same girl he’s seen in the bus every morning. He walked past her and went on to seat just on the adjacent row, 2 seats behind her. She had the same impeccable look than spoke tales of good skin care and she had a grey suit on. He heaved a sigh as he sat back in his seat with a sense of despair that he’d never have the chance to speak to her.

6.05 am. He put his phone back into his pocket and shifted a little in his seat in preparation to sleep. He had this fleeting image in his mind of a girl, his long lost love. He had met Temi in his 2nd year in the university and they had bonded like Fluorine and Potassium.

Yeah, fluorine and potassium, he thought. It was a standing joke between them. She was a chemistry major and they had met in class.

“Is this seat taken?” he asked, pointing at the seat beside her which had a bag on it.

“No”, she replied as she placed the bag on her legs.

He spent the next 30 minutes trying to decide if he should say hello or not. In fact, he thought, where’d I start from?

“I’d have said you look familiar but that’d be so clichéd.” He said to her. “But you do look familiar.” Now he was smiling.

She smiled. His heart jumped.

“Seriously, I know you are not in this department, you don’t even take any of our courses. What I mean is… ” he paused for effect “…who are you?”

“Don’t you think that’s kinda rude?” she responded. “You don’t just see someone and ask such questions.”

He awoke from his reverie, smiled and looked around the bus. It was almost full now. He shifted in his seat a bit as a fat woman walked past. He stretched to peep at his lady in the grey suit. She was looking into a pocket mirror and this time, he had a little view of her face through the mirror and their eyes met. She brought the mirror down and turned back to look at him. This time, he got a full view of her face and he smiled at her.

She smiled back at him, or he thought she did. Without thinking, he signaled her to ask if the seat beside her was free and she nodded. Half-stunned, he walked over to her row.



Benedwit @dabensymon

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  12 Responses to “Dayo….: A short Short.”

  1. i liked the way the story turned out and the way the story played out to that point…

    He saw her again, the same girl [he’s seen] in the bus every morning….the bracketed portion did not turn out well for me.

    a few typos and punctuations errors…
    What I mean is… ” he paused for effect “…who are you?”

    in all, you did a very, very good job.

  2. I ditto @xikay…

  3. Liked how you told the story.It left me hanging though.

    Well done!!!

  4. There were slight tense confusions here and there in the piece, plus a few typos, I’m also assuming it doesn’t end here, hm?

  5. Nice one, you managed to squeeze in a story in there. :)

  6. Dittoing @xikay and @scopeman on a few errors. But it was a sweet story shah. Hope it continues. Nice write.

  7. The insertion of the flashback with Temi didn’t work for me. I understand that he would have thought of his encounter with Temi when he thought of sitting by the other woman, but his reminiscing ended for no reason at a rather abrupt point. Maybe if it had tapered out with him thinking of how well/badly things had gone with Temi after that first encounter, and where she was now, it would have read better.

    But I do like the idea the story relates, of how thinking of what you have done in the past emboldens you to take action in the future.

  8. short and sweet, could be more punchy though…I enjoyed it still!

  9. Nice job. Ok sha. My best bit was ‘…they bonded like fluorine and potassium’.
    That’s simply beautiful. Love chemistry so I know. KF! Great simile men!

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