Retribution

Juliet dried her hands in the hot blast of air from the electric dryer in the restroom when suddenly her phone chimed repeatedly. She swiped to unlock.They were twitter notifications as she tapped to view.The tweet was nightmarish!Her first reaction was surprise, then disbelief, in it’s wake, denial and finally a howling anguish. Her breaths became heavy, abruptly breaking into violent sobs that racked her petite frame. Trails of dark lines forked beneath her eyes as tears trickled over her mascara, making a mess of a face that had, seconds ago, been a palette of faultless cosmetic art. She wiped off the rivulets and looked again at the image on her screen: It was a picture of herself utterly unclad, smiling and posing obscenely, posted on twitter!

International BadMan @MistaRomeo

This one’s for you @Honeyberry

Picture

8:00am . 04 May 2015

123 RETWEETS          50 FAVOURITES

The comments beneath the picture read:

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@TDot: @MistaRomeo damn bro!!! Respect! You the real MVP

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@MissDavido: @MistaRomeo when will all this stupid girls learn …another one again? smh

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@prettymoi: @MistaRomeo you so stupid for tweeting this. Naija guys r just immature.

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@Omoba: @MistaRomeo haha! I have been waiting for nudes. She fine tho. Thanks boss

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Every comment she read, in her mockery or defense, shattered her very existence as it cascaded down on her; each shard trapped in the pixels of the image that threatened to pull her into its virtual recess. She tore her gaze off the screen, gripping the washbasin to steady herself as she suddenly became light-headed. This happened to other people, not her! She had seen obscene pictures of girls recklessly posted on twitter, some she had mocked, and others she had empathized with and waved off as fall-outs of an acrimonious break-up or feud. But she never imagined it would happen to her. Not her! Not her! Her singular moment of indiscretion had come to haunt her. Romeo was undoubtedly the devil. How did she always end up with scumbags? His sweet words, teasing smile and ostensible sincerity had charmed her as she agreed thoughtlessly to his whims and indulgences. Her mind poured over events of that fateful day

“Let’s do something crazy? “He had said

“What?” she had asked

“Lets me have a nude picture of you on my phone, it would be pleasurable reminder of your awesomeness. Don’t you think?”

“No. I don’t want a naked picture of me taken talk less of having it on your phone,” she had retorted

“Come on ….It would be our little secret. I promise not to show anyone, guard it as a gift from you till my dying days. Pretty please” he had said teasingly

His glib tongue eventually beguiled her into throwing away her senses. Now she wished she had been more cautious. They had eventually broken off about a month ago after a heated argument in which he almost went physical on her.

Her mentions exploded as more people commented and retweeted. Soon the picture would be on every blog, it would be talked about for days, if not weeks. The wounds left behind by this scourge would fester forever. Nothing would remain the same again. By God, this would be the last time any man ridiculed her, she swore.

From the murkiest depths of her mind, a sinister thought spawned, inexplicably calming her as there was a sudden clarity of what she needed to do next. She wiped her eyes again, sniffing as she stared into the mirror hung on the wall. Her eyes were red but her face was menacingly placid.

She checked her watch it was 3:00pm.Good. In quick mechanical movements, she cleaned her face, reapplied her make-up, squirming her skirt into place and smoothing her hair. She left the restroom and strutted down the hallway of the bank where she worked, past her cubicle and towards the exit, avoiding glances from her colleagues who noticed a nuance in her disposition. Had they seen the picture? Soon it wouldn’t matter.

She made for her Toyota Matrix in the parking lot. Romeo, any moment from now, should be leaving his office at Ahmadu Bello Avenue. If she drove fast enough she could reach him before he left. The car hurtled dangerously along the stretch from Ojuelegba to Victoria Island. Blaring horns and the squawks from passers-by occasionally jarred her out of her reverie as she steered with half-attention

Parked at a distance from the entry of his work place, she waited patiently, like a lion waiting to pounce on its prey, her loathing of him growing stronger; strengthening her resolve.

A security guard, noticing a distraught lady seated in a car, approached.

“Madam any problem”

“No problem sir, I am waiting for someone” she said in the sweetest voice she could muster and he left. She waited

3:20pm

3:25pm

3:30pm

Then she spotted him exiting the front gate and he was alone in a benign twist of fate. Her grip on the steering wheel was deathly, cold fury seeped through her veins as her gaze was riveted on her unwitting victim. In a paroxysm of hatred, rage and hurt, she slammed hard on the gas pedal, revving the car into piercing screeches as it started murderously at him. She could see his petrified expression change to recognition and then horror as he frantically sought to evade the collision. It was too late. A loud shrill from his lips was abruptly cut short as she ran him over, distinct cracking sounds could be heard, testimony of crushed bones. She halted a few meters from the body; peering back at him as he grappled for life .His mangled body, scantily cloaked by his now ripped shirt was suffused with dirt and crimson. He soon lay motionless.

Terrified cries of on-lookers with their hands clasped together on their heads rented the air. Some rushed to the scene; others stood in horror. Her mind was suddenly tranquil as she zoomed off at full speed,unbuckling her seatbelt as she veered,head on, towards the trunk of a tree by the roadside.

 



19 thoughts on “Retribution” by Aminu Temitope (@AminuTemitope1)

  1. wow! what a cruel way to deal with an evil being. conscious collision with a tree, I bet she wont survive it. Nice one! I almost stopped reading when I saw those tweets… I so much love the make-believe lool!

  2. Glad you didn’t stop reading..lol..@shovey thanks

  3. Nice write. Though, in two sentences or three, you did not leave a space after a punctuation was used.

    Its never right to snap a nude photo. All blame goes to the lady.

  4. Thanks for reading @namdi

  5. This was well written. Thumbs up!
    It’s never ideal taking nude photos. But then, Juliet’s retribution was really cruel.
    Keep writing.

  6. That’s right…downright diabolical @chijy thanks for reading

  7. I’ve been a silent fan of yours ever since the Jurk Jeopardy. Its think its cool; the things you write on. Not overly mainstream, yet not redundant. Good bits of humor too, when needed; with the ultimate message of the story not getting lost.

    I’ll take my time on this one. It was worth reading.

    “Retribution” is an apt title. Retribution for her folly, retribution for his as well.

    The first line is the most important. The story opens with, “Juliet dried her hands in the hot blast of air from the electric dryer in the restroom when suddenly her phone chimed repeatedly.”

    I think this has a lot of clunk. Too much detail. As a rule, if a sentence isn’t necessary for the understanding of the story, or isn’t there for an effect, or for humor, usually its better left out.

    “…Juliet had only just started drying her hands after using the restroom when suddenly her phone started to chime repeatedly…” Could work, but would be more appropriate if Juliet was expecting her phone to beep in some not too distant future, but was not just yet ready to attend to it at that very moment. (Thus taking her unawares)

    But since she wasn’t necessarily waiting for the phone to beep:

    “…As Juliet dried her hands after using the restroom, her phone began to chime repeatedly.”

    Is much shorter and sharper.

    Or, we could slide from past perfect into past continuous, with something like “…Juliet’s phone had suddenly begun to chime repeatedly; breaking the silence in the relatively quiet restroom. She picked it up quickly and swiped across the screen to unlock…”

    Okay, with this you’ve piqued the reader’s interest. They want to know why the phone is chiming. Also, there is less emphasis on the restroom now. (we all know what goes on in there)

    “…They were twitter notifications as she tapped to view.The tweet was nightmarish! Her first reaction was surprise, then disbelief, in it’s wake, denial and finally a howling anguish. Her breaths became heavy, abruptly breaking into violent sobs that racked her petite frame. Trails of dark lines forked beneath her eyes as tears trickled over her mascara, making a mess of a face that had, seconds ago, been a palette of faultless cosmetic art. She wiped off the rivulets and looked again at the image on her screen: It was a picture of herself utterly unclad, smiling and posing obscenely, posted on twitter!”

    Ouch. Too sudden. Like the stab of a knife.

    Usually you might want to create some suspence first. Build that up, make the punch, allow the reader take the hit, THEN, you can bring in the emotions of the character. That way, you may choose not to preempt the reader, such that when he/she finally reads the lines that follow, he has this knowing feeling of empathy for the character (…or disdain; whichever)

    “…A notification for some new tweets had popped up. As she scrolled and tapped to read the first one, her heart froze. Her next few breaths became heavy; abruptly breaking into violent sobs that racked her petite frame. Juliet stared at the image on her screen: It was a picture of herself utterly unclad, smiling and posing obscenely, posted on twitter! Immediately, trails of dark lines began to fork beneath her eyes as tears trickled over her mascara, making a mess of a face that had, seconds ago, been a palette of faultless cosmetic art. She wiped off the rivulets and looked again. Her first reaction was disbelief; and in its wake, denial. Next was regret. Finally came the howling feeling of anguish(/despair).”

    …or something like that. This is far from a perfect rendition

    I absolutely love what you did with the tweets and timelines. Story realism? Tick!

    “…Every comment she read, in her mockery or defense, shattered her very existence as it cascaded down on her; each shard trapped in the pixels of the image that threatened to pull her into its virtual recess…”

    “…Every comment in her mockery or defense shattered her very existence. They cascaded down on her; each shard (you need to reference what it was that got broken. Her heart? Her ego? The comments? The word “shards” here as it stands, has nothing it qualifies.) trapped in the pixels (does this “pixels” line really relate to the shard theme you were running with?) of the image that threatened to pull her into its virtual recess (virtual recess of…? Is it Shame? Anger? Despair?)

    Following lines and dialogue have good flow.

    Next bit

    “…Her mentions exploded as more people commented and retweeted. Soon the picture would be on every blog (.) It would be talked about for days(; weeks even.) The wounds left behind by this scourge would fester forever. Nothing would remain the same (you could remove “again”). By God, this would be the last time any man ridiculed her, she swore. (Italicise “By God…ridiculed her” or you could put it in quotes.)

    “…She made for her Toyota Matrix in the parking lot. (She knew) Romeo should be leaving his office at Ahmadu Bello Avenue (any moment from then)…”

    “…Parked at a distance from the entry of his work place, she waited patiently; like a lion waiting to pounce on its prey (.) her loathing of him grew stronger. It strengthened her resolve…” (here we’re using the short sentences to build an air of anticipation/urgency)

    “Madam, any problem(?)”

    Then she spotted him exiting the front gate and he was alone in a benign twist of fate. (Benign? Mehn, I’m sure that none of Romeo’s fans will agree with you on that one.)

    “A loud shrill from his lips was abruptly cut short as she ran him over, distinct cracking sounds could be heard, testimony of crushed bones.”

    “The loud shrill (guess you mean “shriek”) from his lips was abruptly cut short as she ran him over. Distinct cracking sounds could be heard: The testimony of crushed bones.”

    “…Terrified cries of on-lookers with their hands clasped together on their heads rented the air. Some rushed to the scene; others stood in horror….”

    could be

    “…Terrified cries of on-lookers rent the air as some clasped their hands on their heads. Some rushed to the scene while others stood, gazing in horror…”

    Finally

    “Her mind was suddenly tranquil as she zoomed off at full speed, unbuckling her seatbelt as she veered, head on, towards the trunk of a tree by the roadside.”

    could be

    “…Juliet’s mind suddenly became tranquil. It became clear to her what next she should do. She zoomed off at full speed, unbuckling her seatbelt as she veered, head on, towards and into one of the trees that stood at the side of the road.”

    You get my drift. (pun intended)

    I think the last scene was great: Calm, cold, and premeditated. Just the way every revenge should be. (But revenge no good sha oh… After all, “Vengeance is mine alone” says our Oga at the Top)

    That’s all.

  8. Deeply humbled and immensely thankful about your insightful suggestions and criticisms @anakadrian. Free editing of my work *shakitibobo-ing*. You have nodged me into another level of responsibility in the craft of storytelling.

    Thanks for reading

  9. Great write….
    But this kind of revenge is not revenge at all…it’s outright suicide.

    I like the twitter timeline part…it makes it all real.

  10. Lol..thanks for reading @chime221

  11. louis (@luwizdrizzy)

    Nice write up,but this babe f up,she would have just paid boys to do the magic for her or go and visit the normal african native doctor and grind the normal ‘otumokpo’ for him,and he’ll testify…lol…just my POV ooo

  12. Oh, Oh, @aminutemitope1, one million hugs for you. You did great with this write-up, and the make believe? Creative and a standard setting.

    It is a lesson that we all need to learn. Many of our careless choices come back to hunt us with undesirable consequences. But she shouldn’t have taken things into her hands.

    This is a case of a double ‘Jamicide.’

    Or better still, what do you get when you fuse murder and suicide? Yes, that’s right- MURCIDE!!!

  13. Thanks for reading @stanfuto

  14. Lol..Thanks for reading @luwizdrizzy

  15. Rule number 1: Never ever ever ever take a nude picture, not even with your husband or wife, or better half. Because things might not be rosy forever and sometimes the best way to hurt an ex is post naked pictures of them.
    But her kind of retribution – murder-suicide, not the best solution.
    Very gripping storyline and good writing, just needed a little tweak especially as regards punctuation.
    @anakadrian, that was one long edit. On point but must have taken so much time. Guess exams are over. Hehehehehe

  16. Thanks for reading @folakemi

  17. Why kill herself? The best thing that could happen to someone is to defy all odds, stand strong and show the whole world what YOU GOT IN YOU…She should have taken thiat path, defied taunts and all. What’s the joy in reporting “Mission Failed” in heaven?!

    Well done.

  18. Thanks for reading @praize

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