I think the worst thing that could happen after losing someone you love, someone you’ve spent virtually your entire life with, is the inability to feel. No grief, no heartache just the inexplicable dread that one day, could be a year, a month or a week, that cold, lifeless hunk of flesh, stuffed into old clothes might be you.

There is a constant, dull ache in your chest, right where your heart is supposed to be and no matter what breathing exercises you indulge in, it just won’t go away.

Family, friends and colleagues hover around you after the funeral, expecting you to break down at any moment and give in to hysterical weeping, but all that grows within your heart is panic. The fear, that you might just burst into gleeful laughter instead and ultimately, horrify everyone who’s ever known you and thought the world of you. So you avoid everyone as much as possible, nod instead of verbally responding to the never ending “I’m sorry for you loss” and ensure the food and drink supply keeps them distracted. A lot of the visitors around are only there for the free food, you know it and they know it too but hey, that’s the stuff condolence visits are made of so you try as much as possible, to keep a bland, non judgmental expression on your face when you overhear the old ladies from Church arguing about who ate the last piece of chicken.

For a moment you forget that they’re dead and then it hits you suddenly, like a really bad joke that they’re gone and you’re probably never going to see them again. Then you start to wonder about the afterlife. What really happens after we die? Forget the so called near death experience accounts, those can never truly be verified. You start to wonder if your loved one is somewhere, quite near, fully conscious and aware, watching you and growing resentful at the fact that you aren’t grieving enough. Or maybe the dead are just hibernating, waiting in some sort of spiritual limbo, waiting for the much purported “resurrection of the dead” and final judgment.

Either way, your own morbid thoughts start to scare you, so you grab a bunch of clueless, younger cousins and threaten them with bodily harm if they dare leave you alone in your room that night.

Eventually, a few days pass, the number of friends and relations gradually dwindles and you’re left alone with your thoughts. Then quite unexpectedly, the tears come. They take you by surprise at first because they aren’t even forced. You sob as though your life depended on it and in a way, it does because gradually, the dull ache in your chest starts to ebb away and you realize that it was there all along, because you just needed to grieve.

20 thoughts on “Grief” by kilmah (@kilmahhart)

  1. Ladyzizi (@Ngozi-Ebubedike)

    Nicely worded, it takes one who has passed through this to pen it accurately. But, who hasn’t lost a loved one?

    1. kilmah (@kilmahhart)

      So true.

  2. True. This was beautifully worded and very true.

    Well done.

    1. kilmah (@kilmahhart)

      Thanks :-)

  3. I second @ngozi-ebubedike

    The feeling is ineffablly indescribable.

    Nice write

    1. kilmah (@kilmahhart)

      Yes it is. I lost a Parent a while back and for months, I was the strong one, helping others get through it but when the tears finally came, they wouldn’t stop. I guess we all grieve differently.

  4. @kilmahhart. You really captured the emotions of losing a loved one beautifully in this piece, I guess we all have our own way of coping with loss.

    1. kilmah (@kilmahhart)

      Yes we do. Thanks for the compliment

  5. You got it right. The same way I felt blank when my Granny died some years back. You write well.

    Well done.

  6. kilmah (@kilmahhart)

    Thank you & feeling blank doesn’t make us unemotional it only means that we’re yet to accept that they’re gone.

  7. When I lost my father, for a moment, my life seemed to come to a stand still. It was nothing else will ever work and I began to hear all sorts of advise and all of that till I decided to start avoiding some people if I had to move on. Its been more than 11yrs now and life is going on like nothing happened just that atyms I just remember him in passing or when it is inevitable.

    1. I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my father too, I know how it feels & I think that time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it only makes the pain of loss more bearable.

  8. Beautifully written. It describes the feeling I got when I dreamt about losing someone close to my heart. The tears kept coming. And it felt good.

  9. Already been said, but i’ll say it again. You write well.

    1. kilmah (@kilmahhart)

      Thanks, I still needed to hear it :-)

  10. Rhoiy (@Roy-journals)

    You might be new to NS but you’re definitely not new to writing. This is really nice. I haven’t exactly lost a close relative since I was old enough to grieve but at a tender age, I lost my younger sister, and I often ask myself how I would feel if I lose another. it’s not a feeling I want to get acquainted with.

    1. yeah you’re right I’m not new to writing :-D most of this stuff’s been sitting in my laptop for months! ;-)
      but death is a part of life dear, and no matter how much we refuse to acknowledge it, one day, someone we know or someone we’re close to will die. How we handle it depends on how much we’ve mentally prepared ourselves to face it.

  11. WOW …grief?

    for a thought…what happens after death?…i paused here for a minute.

    hmmm…nice work here.

    1. Thanks. I read a lot of books about the afterlife after my dad died and no two of them said the same thing. This led me to conclude that no one really knows. Guess everyone will find out when its their turn.

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