I Cant Write Again

I pick up my pen and paper to write, but my head is blank, empty of words. Blank like a clean lonely slate that will never know the pleasure of words written on it for company, empty like the loneliness of nothing. I feel like a soul searching for purpose and meaning and finding none begins to believe anything that offers even the smallest succour, that offers a way out even if its the wrong way.
I stare at the pen and paper before me, looking for a way out. I beg them to help me find my lost words. I even begin to pray to them to help me out of the never ending abyss of wordlessness I am falling into, but they seem to be enjoying my misery. The pen develops a human shape and I see mockery and scorn written all over its face. From nowhere hands appear on the pen and I see its index finger pointed at me as it begins to laugh at me. The paper is not left out and it is like it has found some invisible friend in the wind, a new friend that has given it a voice for with each ruffle of wind and paper words come rushing out from the paper entering my head and leaving ( like they never really came ) before I can trap them in my head or write them down.
I have lost my words they have finally packed their bags and luggagess and deserted me just like him, just like everything I have loved and cared for in my miserable life. For a long time now my words have been my friends and companions, my refuge loneliness, my everything after losing everything. Now I’m afraid even they do not care about me anymore.
I don’t know why it is the ones that we love the most that leave us or get taken away from us. My head swims with questions – why? I shout. Wasting my time and energy on answers that may never come. I think the answers have already drowned long before the questions took a plunge into the same drowning waters.
There once was a time when all I had to do to get my muse, my mojo, my writing back was to take a walk. The natural scenery always worked on me but not anymore. Now I think even if I take a walk from here to eternity I would still be in the same position I started from ” nothing “. Maybe it is because almost all of the scenic beauty that used to work. for me have been taken over by greedy, selfish houses and factories that have no love in their hearts for such scenic beauty. The little that is left just can’t work that magic on me.
Sometimes I pick up pieces of my old writing for comfort but they are not enough and I find myself regretting why I burned the ones I felt were useless and below my talent. I started writing long before I could afford computers and smartphone, I never really got round to putting most of my older pieces on these modern devices.
All I want to do is write. I want to feel the joy and ecstacy that pen and paper give me, the kind none other can give . I miss the good old days when all I had to do was to take pen and paper and let the words flow out of me, from where I’m not really sure maybe their are invisible hands at work whispering silent words into my head or maybe the words come from some deeply buried part of me that even I do not know of.
Whatever it is though, I hope I find my lost words and continue to do what I love most.

PS
Even though I cant write anymore I can still read. So a big thank you to all of you that write on this website and other platform ( you know who you are ) you have no idea what your writing means to me, sometimes I find my lost words in your writings and I find myself relating to them. I remain eternally grateful to you all.



26 thoughts on “I Cant Write Again” by Mamman Saba Mustapha (@danjuma)

  1. kay (@kaymillion)

    sincere expression….
    you will surely write again

  2. Rhoiy (@Roy-journals)

    I’m sure you haven’t lost your mojo! Neither the paper nor pen has deserted you. You wrote this wonderful piece, and that proves my point.
    Writer’s block is something almost every writer experiences, But writing is who you are, and that can’t easily be taken from you unless you want to let it go. Just my thought!

  3. @Roy-journals. I know the words are there getting them out is the problem, and I don’t ever want to let go.
    Thank you for seeing this piece as wonderful.

  4. After reading this, I am sure: the writer’s genie would visit you once more and you shall produce magic once again. Cheers

  5. Lovely…don’t make a fuss..the words are only building up in you waiting to burst out at the right time and announce its overwhelming importance…keep writing..

  6. @Vickyoziwrites. Thanks, I just hope he comes soon.

  7. @praize. Thank you, I certainly won’t give up.

  8. @danjuma : Don’t wait for your muse. Keep writing honest, straight-from-the-heart pieces like this. It’s still writing, and sometimes for the words you want to come, you have to write down the ones that present themselves. Even if they’re mocking you. :-)

  9. @SharonWrites. Thanks I will keep writing and do my best to catch those words.

  10. It happens, but you don’t give up.

  11. @vincentdepaul. Thanks. I won’t give up, truth is I can’t give up even if I want to.

    1. @danjuma you’ve got to have discipline, and that’s how you become a seasoned writer.

  12. it’s just a matter of time, but you will write again. in fact, you are already writing. There was a time when i couldnt write anything for almost two years, but the words were there in my head, crashing around. somehow, i couldn’t get them down. But one day, I picked up my laptop and they were flowing, and are still flowing.
    Cheers and keep your head up

    1. @FOLAKEMI. Thank you, your words give me hope.

  13. Do you mean to tell that you cant write anymore?

    Seriously speaking, you’ve just written a wonderful piece cos writing sometimes is about what you feel (even your wordlessness) and not the otherwise.

  14. @Olarinoye54. You are right even wordlessnesss can create a literary piece. Thanks for seeing this piece as wonderful.

  15. Word of advice from an amateur writer… This piece proves that you havent lost your words, I think they have just formed into something that you dont recognize. This is a lovely piece. Write even if the works do not meet your personal standard, just keep going. I have written pieces that I considered sub par and funny enough some have been embraced by those who have read them. I say write the words that swim around in your head the words that refuse to congeal into a story a poem or into a coherant piece and eventually it will come together for you.

    1. @IVIE9JA. Thanks so much for your words of advice, I will follow through on your advice.

  16. I have had moments when I haven’t written (Not seriously anyway.) I edited/reworked old drafts. Wrote down ideas, plot lines, shorts, etc. Some of them got worked on years later. What happened was a few moves within a year or two. I guess the changes destabilised me a bit. Ideas were coming, I just didn’t write properly. This was a long time ago. So I guess there is probably something causing this for you. Or maybe not.
    The fact that you still want to write… (are still writing) is good.
    I think it was the Vampire Diaries’ writer that didn’t write for ten years after suffering a loss.
    Someone once said writers need to refill at some point. I don’t know how true that is but I would say you haven’t lost it. It is here on this page @danjuma. Write on.

    1. @OLAJUMOKE. Thanks for seeing something in this piece, your words spur me to continue writing.

  17. You may not realise this, but you are very self-aware; in all your postings, in your replies. Trust me, your muse isn’t gone!

    It’s just a passing phase. Hang in there, bro. The world will be made sense of either way – by writing or reading, If all else fails, @danjuma, whether in being unable to write or (if ever) being unable to read, (‘cos even the zeal for that can be lost… A terrible feeling, I tell you) have great respite in the fact that you are still able to think. And a great thinker you are, truly!

    1. @anakadrian. Thanks so much, I have to tell you that everytime I post a piece on this website I always eagerly wait for your view on it. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

  18. i know this feeling

    1. @OBIINK. Thank you, it is always nice and encouraging to know that I’m not the only one going through this.

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