I wish I could ask how you are doing but the words had stubbornly refused to leave my fingertips probably because I already know and really do not care. When we ran into each other two days ago at the Silver bird galleria, I realized that I probably shouldn’t have done that-look you in the eye and tell you how much I now despise you. It felt cruel, didn’t it? Yeah! Yet, it was only eight months ago, I looked in the same dark brown eyes and professed my undying love; uttering the three effaceable words without a single doubt. True, I didn’t just say it, I proved it. I breathed you, thought of you, ate for you, dressed for you, dreamt of you, lived for you, supported you, as a matter of fact, i couldn’t imagine my life without you. Living without you seemed next to impossible.
I could also vividly recall that I was to be your wife. We were starting to plan our lives together; what the color of my bridesmaids’ dresses would be, and then your groom’s men. We had argued about the names of our unborn children, how I wanted my daughter’s name to be Nicole but you wanted hers to be Tyra… How fitting!. It still baffles me though how everything suddenly ended like a candle light gulfed off by the wind. Maybe that was why you flushed and your lips twisted because you didn’t know what to say. The hatred burning hot in my eyes frightened you and even though you could not understand it, you hoped it wasn’t real.
I knew you didn’t believe me when you got the message on your blackberry messenger chat that night which read that I wanted it over. I’m very sure you rolled your eyes and then grinned into the phone thinking it was just one of my emotional episodes. “It’ll pass” you had told your friends “she’ll come back to me like she always does” and so you waited and waited…..
You know my granny once told me that there is a thin line between love and hate. She called it the Flip coin. “Love is like a golden coin, Kristen”, she had said, “on one face is perpetuity, on the other is suddenness”. Cupid, the god of love, she explained, throws the coin each time the fate of a couple is to be decided perpetuated by the willingness of their hearts. If face up, their love is true and unending, if otherwise, oh well! We all know how that plays out. So, I guessed ours was decided for us but what about our hearts? Were we willing? Doesn’t it take two to tangle?
Anyways, it wasn’t long after then, four months perhaps that it truly dawned on you that I was serious. Three months passed and you were still getting updates on your blackberry messenger with pictures of me grinning into the camera and there were also pictures of me in the pool with some friends-male friends, to be precise. You were still in my contact list, I hadn’t kicked you out yet, that came as a surprise to you because usually when I was mad, I hit the delete button. Anger meant emotions. To you, it meant I still cared but to your dismay you were getting none not even the anger, and so, I was beginning to amuse you. On your Facebook page, you still got tags on some stories I had posted and suddenly, you realized we were still friends on Facebook? She hasn’t removed me there either? That made you wary. My display picture was looking hotter than the previous one. “Is this how I am without you?” you wondered sadly.
Guilt, loss, regret began to plunged your soul and as for my stories, you couldn’t bring yourself to read them, not that it mattered anyway because you’d never really read any of them before. I wasn’t that important, how could my stories be? By the way, I could still stake my life that you wouldn’t read this either. You are always too busy, put that in a quote…………
Promises, excuses, betrayal were your very own shadow; did I ever tell you that? Nah, I think not because I was too blinded back then to see them creep with you into my bed in the darkness when you decided you weren’t too busy after all and then corrupt my soul. I was pretty confident back then that there was a reason Jesus insisted that if any part of the body causes one to sin, plunging it off would probably save one from hell. I guess He was right because I probably should have ripped out my heart! What good had it brought me anyway? Do you know that in the first three months after the breakup, I would glance occasionally out my window late at night hoping that your car would somehow pull up on my driveway and you would come rushing down to me pleading and asking me not to go that you would do better? See, even though I had heard you play that scene before just once since I knew you, I didn’t mind seeing it again but gradually, that fantasy faded off…..because you never came.
“I’m sorry” was what you were saying now as we stood in line for our popcorns and I couldn’t understand it. There were other words coming out of your mouth too but I couldn’t hear them either instead it was ‘his’ laughter that filled my ears, silently washing away the hate I held for you; his protective voice saying “it doesn’t matter” as the memory of him coiling me up in his arms and placing a kiss on my forehead swept through my mind. So I looked up at you, the tall gallant you, the proud you, the bossy you, the unreliable you, the untrustworthy you, the lying you, the cheating you, and couldn’t believe that this was the one I once thought I couldn’t do without and held a smirk. At first I saw relief wash over your face and I could swear hearing your heart beat in triumph boom boom, ‘I’ve won’ you told yourself. I was now yours again like I’ve always been. You were right I did love you and there was no way I could have gotten here without you. But then, I walked next to you and offered you a gift… then your smile faded….
“Kristen, what is this?” you asked surprised as you stared down at the envelope with your name on it, scared to open it.
“Go on, open it. It’s my gift to you” I urged you as I turned to walk into the hall with a big grin on my lips and in my mind I’m like “duh!That’s my wedding invitation, sorry, you lost!”
Well, I’m sorry i couldn’t stay around to tell you my thoughts. That’s why I’m writing to you and honestly, I still wish you the best. Praying that God will give you more insight into the mysteries of the heart and show you what love truly is. Frankly, if you ask me any other day, I’ll tell you my grandma read too many Roman/Greek books. So, I’m hoping next time i hear from you, it would be to honor your wedding invitation. Thanks for taking out time from your ‘busy’ schedule to read this and see you at my wedding
Written by Quincy Iwediokpulu 23rd September 2013; 10:15am