Of Church Boys and Girltations; The Story by Tolu Daniel

Of Church Boys and Girltations; The Story by Tolu Daniel


Remember how I told you that Brother Kola said that I had slept with most of the girls that attended our church? Well, it so happened that he was right despite the fact that I vehemently denied the allegations as at the time. I had mind fucked them all, one small me to fuck them all, every smile, every laughter was a sexual encounter, one that I played and replayed in my mind stereo till my perverseness was satiated.

The psychiatrist couldn’t have been more right, he had also advised me to make a list of every individual that I may have mind fucked either intentionally or otherwise and guess what I found out? I had mind-fucked a lot of people and Brother Kola was one of them; I wonder how many years that could earn me in a Nigerian prison.

Can you remember Doreen? The Liberian girl with two left legs and that gapped tooth that made her mouth look like a bottle opener? The girl whose sexual appetite was said to have been the stuff of legend, according to the boys in church, the same girl that was nicked ‘skinny golo’ because of her lean body frame and that awkward way she walked; Well, I saw her again the last time I visited Abuja, almost immediately after I received the letter that confirmed my expulsion from all church activities, I had to move away to go clear my head; she was so happy to see me that she invited me over to her house and of course I thought I could get lucky, I swung my thoughts into action and immediately mind-fucked her, an act that I had become so well versed at.

Like you may already have imagined I didn’t get so lucky, her legendary sexual exploits eluded me. I could remember what Odion told me about her and how he said that he had fucked her so hard that she begged for mercy. Confidence comes from strange places and honestly when you have been well fed, you mouth begins to run like a tap water with no controls and you may want to start asking questions that you have no business asking. Doreen cooked one of her special dishes, amala with egusi soup, so you understand why my mouth started running immediately after the meal. I asked Doreen about her relationship with Odion and she told me that nothing happened between them except for the day she decided to give him a blow job as his birthday gift because he had always been begging to have a taste of her and she had always resisted but on this day, she decided to give in and they had done it at the store house after choir rehearsals but they had stopped before going any further because someone almost caught them. I tried to picture the scene on my mind but still could not resonate the image of Doreen who had once held a micro phone while leading opening prayers in church and her holding Odion’s piece in her mouth in that seeming demeaning state.

Odion despite all his boasting had not gotten lucky with Doreen, but some other guy had which didn’t surprise me, but she only told me this in confidence when I informed her that I had been excommunicated by the church because they thought that I was gay. She must have been shocked or maybe horrified; I couldn’t assume that I knew how she felt. I just knew that she felt really bad for me and informed me that she had also heard about it because she had received the text from the church informing her of my expulsion as it was their custom and she had thought that I impregnated someone, based on the sheer number of girls that always flocked around me. I thought that It was strange that she never asked me if I was gay or not, the fact that I didn’t get lucky with her was enough answer to that question though.

She also told me how she never felt that she belonged in the church, a feeling that informed her decision to get closer to brother Kola because he gave her all the attention she needed. Brother Kola, one of Pastor’s assistants, the holy seeming bloke, the one whose prayer sessions was the hottest, the one who stamps his feet while praying as though the earth was his footstool, the one that seemed so spooky that I thought that he was probably the assistant “holy spirit”, the one whose appearance in his oversized shirts and undersized pants always made him strike a semblance to Johnny Bravo with a smaller head and a poorer haircut, of course.

Doreen told me that he had asked to come visit her at home in her tiny one room apartment to pray with her as he often did with some of our parishioners and she had politely declined. But he had come anyway and had found the door to her room open and had entered to find her half naked sleeping because the weather had been hot and he had woken her up as gently as he could. She had been pissed and had sent him out, till she dressed up and she had noticed that he was walking awkwardly while leaving the room, obviously he had probably gotten a hard on by seeing her naked or maybe she was just hoping that he had.

They had prayed together the first day and Brother Kola had come back the day after and she had gotten used to praying with Brother Kola until one day when she didn’t feel so prayerful and Brother Kola who had been an object of her perverse fantasies lately had been in her room once again, she had set the mood and hoped Brother Kola would understand and Brother Kola had not disappointed. He had followed her lead and she had had the best sex of her life and she had begged the amazing Brother Kola to marry her and he had only smiled saying neither yes nor no.

I was shocked, because the Brother Kola I knew didn’t seem like he was capable of eating a handful of eba not to talk of talking to a girl, in actual fact, it felt as though Doreen had concocted the tale for my listening pleasure. It wouldn’t be her first time, she had told a lie and big one at that in my presence before, she had once said that her father was a cousin to the Liberian president, a lie that had rebounded on her when a real cousin of the woman came to our church and had asked her questions that she couldn’t answer but then again this was Brother Kola we were talking about, an individual that I didn’t have much love for. I could remember a prayer session with Brother Kola where he was literally spitting fire and violently screaming at God and I silently prayed to God to slap him with some money so that he could shut his mouth and I thought God had answered my query until this moment. It seemed as though Doreen could read my thoughts because she begged me not to tell anybody and I accepted.

How it was that the infamous Brother Kola had never gotten suspended still beats me, how it was that he of all people was instrumental to my expulsion. How was it that he was the one that twisted Pastor’s arms by threatening to go to the police to report that I was gay, how was it that it was he who still spoke to the youths last week about the dangers of fornication and adultery, how was it that it was the same him that would now be found guilty of the same things that he preaches against and he accused me of. I tried to hide it but I was furious; how the label of homosexuality had destroyed my life in the little period that I was labeled gay. How the church boys that normally came to my house to see the English Premier League or play PlayStation had stopped and started talking about me behind my back. How some old lady had seen me on the street and shook her head as she announced to herself that I was such a waste. It was not fair, not fair at all that Brother Kola would seat pretty in the house of God and prophetlie to people and blackmail Pastor into surrendering power to him.

But the question remains, what did I do to him? Why did he have it in for me? What have I ever done to him? The last I checked, we had never had any confrontation, none whatsoever. I didn’t really like him so I kept my distance; it wasn’t rocket science to see that the humility that was supposed to be a Christian virtue had not yet found room in his life. Someone once told me that he (Brother Kola) didn’t like being associated with the likes of me, people who talked too much with girls, people who gesticulate with their hands, people who use creams like ladies, who comb their hair and always maintains a neat profile, who wear colorful clothes and tried to speak English in an impressive way,  he didn’t want to be associated with our likes, he thinks us heathens, we didn’t deserve to serve his god, we were too filthy to be called Christians hence he called us Christocrats; he says we are only Christians by association and God was going to punish us all. He wanted to help God cleanse his church and since he won’t do it the violent way, he prayed to his god and hence the law of the land backed him up and the result at the end of the day was what he was doing to me.

I don’t hate him, I just don’t understand why he hates me neither do I know how to expose him without incriminating Doreen. There are men like him walking among us, they don’t like you, they hate that you go to church, they hate that you wear a neatly starched and ironed shirt, they hate everything about you, they believe that you could never worship their god the way they could, the way they have prescribed; all they want to do is to cleanse. In case you were wondering though, I am not gay; I do love women and I am responsible enough to love and respect them without the unnecessary complication of the physical part of relationships viz a viz sex. I believe like most Christians that the concept of sex before marriage is sinful and I wonder why I was persecuted because I believed in what my Pastors preached.

Someday he will meet his doom; hopefully his doom will come sooner than later, our bible says that we should pray for our enemies, it never gave us the prayer points exactly, so I choose to do what I feel like doing. This is what I believe. Thank you for listening to me, I know what you are thinking, that Brother Kola probably had his own side to the story; well Yes! I don’t give a damn!

2 thoughts on “Of Church Boys and Girltations; The Story by Tolu Daniel” by Tolu Daniel (@toludaniel)

  1. I enjoyed the way the story was rendered…but after all is said and done, you will be alone, man, to face the judgment of your conscience. The best thing, perhaps, is to give no damn to Kola and anyone who sees you in that light.

  2. Very interesting piece I wrote a spoken word piece that was supposed to be published today I thought called 14 years about this very topic. People ALWAYS forget that Jesus crew included a prostitute and a few other unsavory characters so if Jesus accepted fault in others who are we to judge that which we perceive to be wrong? Many of these foolish fake Christians are just wasting their tithing money cause they are still destined for hell considering the way that they treat people smh. If this story is true @toludaniel let God fight your battle

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