To The Beau With Love…

01/09/2014

Dear woman,

As you may know, I have trust issues. I don’t trust people, I don’t trust the weather. More especially, I don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die, but I’ll eventually have to trust one with my child. That’s life. The problem is finding the “right” one. The suitable one. I think everybody’s got that special someone that gets under their skin and doesn’t go away. In my case, I think that would be you. You seem to possess this particular fungal property for me. I’m not opposed to it.

I don’t know if this statement has any second-hand value, “I love you”, but when I find out, I’ll let you know. Till then, stay alive, and I’ll try my best to stay out of trouble.

Falsely yours,
Six.

●●●

02/09/2014

Dear woman,
 
If you’re reading this letter, that means I actually worked up enough energy to hit some random buttons on the keyboard. It also means that I may’ve  been drinking. But I’m not drunk. So good for me. The nerve of this negro, you may be wondering, I blame you not. I can be a bit of a chode atimes, most of the time actually, but I don’t have any apologies, none whatsoever.

Caveat emptor: you should probably do your best not to fall in love with me. I know it’s a bit too soon for me to be saying stuff like this, but I just thought to let you know. Maybe you never knew, but I’ve always been quite the self-saboteur. I have this innate tendency to screw things up, naturally, with no effort whatsoever; relationships included. It’s just one big continuous cycle where I wake up, f*ck up, get on your nerves, and stay there. As you can see, it isn’t pretty. But, I guess that’s why there’s make-up, or at least, a thing called making-up. It goes either way for me. The point is, I’m just trying to save you from the looming danger that is me. Please, don’t be a hero by trying to save me from myself, you’ll fail, I guarantee it. My willpower is about as impenetrable as a monkey’s ability to withstand bananas. I know myself better than you do. Trust me.

Call me irrespective.

Yours unfaithfully,
Six.

P.S.- I’m not breaking up with you.

●●●

03/09/2014

Dear woman,

I’m breaking up with you. I’m sorry. We made love last night and you farted on me. It smelt. I can’t be in a relationship with a woman who farts on me. You obviously have no regard for my person, or my body parts as you deem it fit to just fart on them mid-coitus. I was highly disgusted last night. You tried to spray some perfume, thinking it would make things better, but it only made things worse. I’ve never told you before, but you have very bad taste. Your perfumes smell like decaying horse shit. Sphincter-loosening. Vomit-inducing. Bowel-moving. These are all terms I’d use to describe your choice of fragrances. I do not know where you came from, but I hope you go back. You are no longer welcome into my apartment. Stay away from me, and avoid beans like the plague. I bind you.

Yours angrily,
Six.

●●●

04/09/2014

Dear entire female population,

I’m single again and can now have you all. Vacancies for the positions of side-chick and main-chick are now open. Entries close on 05/09/2014. Submit all application forms via e-mail to the following address: six@gangstermail (dot) com. Make sure to include a provocative picture of your “real” self leaving the shower in an attached file along with the one that is to be submitted. Have a nice day, and use pheromones.

Yours availably,
Six.

●●●



28 thoughts on “To The Beau With Love…” by six (@six)

  1. lmao, this is nice, something new for the mind to process

    1. @kevweodogun, thanks. Why your number no dey go through?

      1. guy +1784 593 1591

        1. @kevweodogun, yeah I know, that’s what I’ve been trying.

          1. lmao see as i just sample my number lol, iono why tho

  2. Hehehe…let me laugh, please. Different but nice. You had to screw things up with the words of September The Third of Twenty Fourteen. If you need us to ‘dubale’ with you to ask for forgiveness, do let us know.

    Yours availably,

    Chemokopi.

  3. Heheheheheheheh serious yabbing. but I got some interesting things out of this. You said you are good at screwing yoursef up well me too!!! I think we are a match…. dont even think I need to apply for the position sef…

    Yours newly…
    The new babe.

    1. @ufuomaotebele, even the caveat didn’t dissuade u. You’ve been warned o, lol. Thanks 4 stopping by.

  4. Hehe, thanks @chemokopi for stopping by.

  5. :) interesting read…….made me laugh. I would love to read the woman’s responses to your letters, she sure will have a lot to say about you.

    1. @okelani , that’s a nice idea. I’ll see how I can work it out. Thanks for dropping by.

  6. lol….Na wah oh….this is a character that’s gonna get karma for his wicked handling of chicks.

    In summary I’ll describe this write up as ‘Mr Wrong searching for Miss Right and Miss available’….trying to eat his cake and have it.

    Good luck to him with the misadventures

    1. @Afronuts that’s what the average playboy wants tho. I’ve got friends like this, I see it everyday. Thanks for stopping by.

      1. @six, I love the story beyond telling :)

          1. @six, you’re always welcome :)

  7. The jack ass that women love I’m sure lol

    1. @ivie9ja, na so na. The good guys never get some.

  8. Hilarious @six.
    Your MC needs help not more side chicks and main chick.
    I really enjoyed this.

    1. @olajumoke lol, thanks for stopping by ma’am.

  9. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

    @six, when I tell you say you be betta write, no dey argue…your writing, even the ones tackling big ideas (like ‘the cappuccino lounge) is a beaut to read, because it’s always fun, and free and one just enjoys themselves…write more…seriously, write more….

    On a lighter note: guy, @ufuomaotebele, dey use style-style dey ‘toast’ you o…you better explore that possibility…na betta pikin she be o…lol …Just kidding….hahaha

    1. @omoniyi-adeshola Lol…..funny something…I just saw this @six thank you jare….

  10. @Omoniyi-Adeshola, u too much mahn, thanks. Don’t worry I’ll try to be as prolific as possible, hoping laziness doesn’t have anything to say about it.

    @ufuomaotebele is a sweetheart, she no get yawa.

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