Machina: AGADA

“Cut”

“No cutting”

“Who said that?”

“Masozi.”

“Another county heard from”

“Why is he talking?
He’s sedated…Yes?
Cut!”

“No cutting.”

“Masozi is that you?”

“Yes.
Slice, just slice…. no cutting.”

“Give us a break Masozi!
If the injection isn’t working at least pretend you are sedated.”

“I’ll try to.”

“Okay.
Now, Kwabena listen to this, I turned on that Mech-box last night.
There was another message.”

“Give me the scissors.
You’ve gone off the deep end Akpati…here, give it to me.”

“No Kwabena. You, Masozi and Ehud have not been listening to me. I’ve been telling you lot about these messages. I have been turning on the box and getting these messages. There’s a place, the people are free, no Mechs, no….”

“IT’S A LIE! A LIE!!
IT’S THE JEWS AND NIGGERS… THEY ARE TRYING TO GET US IN A TRAP AND DESTROY US.
THEY WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.”

“Tifawt, shut up..”

“what’s wrong with him”

“Tifawt?”

“Yeah… Tifawt.
Ehud is a Jew, he won’t like this”

“What is a Jew? What do you mean by…. Ehud is a Jew?”

“I don’t know what it means.
But there’s a list of names in the messages. Ehud’s name’s there. The box says it is a Jew name.

“THE JEws are…”

“Shut up Tifawt.
Akpati, this is why nobody touches that box or what ever it is.
Look at what it did to Tifawt. It’s made him sick.”

“How?
Whats’ wrong with him?”

“He hates everybody and everything”

“Does he hate himself?
He is somebody isn’t he?
And also a living thing”

“I don’t know… Tifawt do you hate yourself?”

“No.”

“Then he’s just a racist.”

“what is a racist?”

“Well, I’m not to sure but I think it means a person who hates Jews and black people….. at least that’s what the box says.”

“Black people….. you are crazy.
There’s no such thing as black people…. except maybe the charred corpses rotting on the surface”

“Stitch.”

“Who’s that now.”

“Stitch.”

“No stitching.
Look Masozi, I’m operating on you while you lay peacefully sedated, oblivious.
Do you understand what is required of you?”

“I’ll try to.”

“Stop babbling the two of you..
Quickly, take this off me and shut down The Ifa.
Machinas abound.
3 o clock off our position, heading this way.”

“Ehud! we didn’t hear you come in.”

“Shut up and help me Kwabena.
Akpati go check the perimeter… shut down The Ifa.
Where’s everybody?
Why is Tifawt awake?
Oh lord!! Why are Masozi’s insides outside? ”

“We were heading out.
Nothing heavy just the usual morning milk run.
And then….”

“ZIONIST SCUMBAG!!
I TOLD YOU LOT BUT YOU WOULDN’T LISTEN.
NIGGERS AND JEWS….”

“Shut up Tifawt.
Shut up for fucksakes.”

“YOU CAN’T SILENCE ME. YOU ARE ONE OF THEM.
YOU CAN’T LOCK UP THE TRUTH… FUCKING COMMIES AND RAG HEADS, THE LOT OF YOU..
I AM GOING TO… ugh ummm… get off …
Ummmmm
mmmm”

“That’s better.
Untie him when the Mechs come within range.
Let him have a go at them, wear off his rage”

“OK.”

“Ehud, Akpati wants to leave.”

“What!
Akpati where do you think you are going?”

“Bongo Bongo Land”

“You were on that Mech box again weren’t you.
After I warned you. You have brought them down on us you bastard.”

“umm mmmm uuummmmh”

“Shut up Tifawt!”

“Listen Ehud there are these messages about an outpost called Nigeria.
There actually used to be a place of that name before the Mechs and the war. I think there are still some places above ground where The Agada still survives. Nigeria must be one of them.
Imagine..
No Mecha.
All.. Orga.
Imagine the warmth of the sunlight on your skin.
Real food that grows from the womb of the earth and drinks off the rain from the Sky.
Rain…. rain that doesn’t burn.
Imagine breathing the clean air filled with the scent of the earth and the fertile flowers.
And the best of all… THERE ARE WOMEN!
Think about it, Women!”

“But nobody has seen a woman since the Sorrow of Souls.
“You are going to get yourself killed Akpati. Kwabena why have you allowed this fool near that box?
Look, There are no Agadas left… Nobody knows how to command or operate any of those things on the surface. it is better down here than up there.”

Machina: Agada AWD

“Let me ask you, Ehud.
How have you spent life?”

“well …. in a warzone”

“Couldn’t afford the bus fare out?”

“What…
No fuck off Akpati. I know you got that from that Mech box.
You think playing with that thing will make you smarter than us?”

“INCOMING!!
INCOMING… ON OUR 3 ‘O’ CLOCK!”

“Release Tifawt.. somebody”

“Everybody down!”

“Kwabena
“Quickly… release Tifawt and give him The Ifa.
Everybody down.
Down!



17 thoughts on “Machina: AGADA” by Eldee (@codrojac)

  1. nice but horrible

    1. @mbanefo …. Nice of you to stop by and read.
      What makes this nice and horrible ? Care to indulge me?

  2. i didnt really understand the dialogues tho, but nice try all the same, is there another part to this?

  3. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

    @codrojac, I love this rather experimental work of yours, the richness of the characters interacting, the unpredictableness. I actually didn’t plan on reading it all through, but when I started, I couldn’t stop. lovely thing. Well done. Dare the Do…

    1. @omoniyi-adeshola, ……. glad you liked this. Yes, it is experimental.

      This is flash fiction like those you may find in sci-fi anthologies hence the story will not progress further.

      What are you thought on the characters. …… especially Masozi (he’s my favorite …lol)

  4. Finaaaaaaaaaaalyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!………………. another Sci-Fi after @raymond ‘s Kill Zone:Sector 36-C (1) (which i feel is the best ever written here so far ;)). Its great though, i know something’s brewing.
    Oh well, i thing i got an issue with the conversations…sorta too much for an intro-you shoulda sat least introduced your characters a bit. Be sure to work on these in other chapters………
    Regards,
    uGO

    1. @ugochuckwu….. glad u liked this piece.

      Unfortunately this is an experimental work in flash fiction so there will be no chapters added. Though the characters, dialogue, plot, background….. etc can be improved on.

      Can I ask what issue you have with the conversations?

      1. they were quite conflicting………its a Flash Fiction????? arrrrggghhhhhhh, ;( meyyn get another piece up and be sure its Sci-Fi

        1. @ugochuckwu But it’s Sci-Fi… Sci-Fi flash fiction….lol

          I’ll look into the dialogue again. …. do some more editing maybe. I thought it was easy to follow …hmm. Perhaps you are finding it hard to know who’s saying what and get a sense of things as the story builds. There’s no climax in the story though. It’s supposed to be more like a small window looking at a few characters in a somewhat dystopian future set in an unnamed place , within a very short time frame…. 5 ~ 20mins

          And it is supoosed to leave you wanting more….like every good flash fiction.

          Anyways I’ve got another in the works….. and don’t worry this one isn’t written in dialogue.

  5. Akpati sounds horrible… but still my i love it

    1. Akpati ? You sure you don’t mean Tifawt. The one mouthing off the insults.

  6. @codrojac, I felt that this was too lacking in context for me to understand. I get that it was set in a war zone, but honestly, once it didn’t grab me in the first several lines, I just couldn’t muster the interest to continue.

  7. @TolaO ….. finally your input :)

    I didn’t “see” the background (the setting) in a war zone when writing this. Though the story itself does contain some elements of “it”. Perhaps the accompanying picture already set the background in the reader’s mind and then subsequently creating a general feel of what to expect.

    I guess the dialogue style put you off because the individual characters are not distinct enough for the reader to quickly fall in with the story. That’s something I haven’t perfected yet with writing a story entirely in dialogue with more than two characters… the ability to give each character a distinct speaking style.

    Though I must say this, the first lines are actually meant to humorous.. a supposedly sedated (and comatose) individual being operated on, who’s also being told to act like he’s sedated, by his vexed friend, the makeshift doctor, when he interrupts the operation.

    Anyways at least you made an attempt. I know the work still needs some editing so it’s good to get any response from you guys.

    1. @codrojac, it’s easier to get a dialogue-only story to work when the plot is simple enough that I can concentrate on and enjoy the characters (as expressed by their dialogue).

      The problem with this was that there were too many things happening at once. When I saw the first few opening lines, I thought that it might be an operation, and I reasonably assumed that the speaking characters were the doctor and his assistants. Throwing a non-sedated character into the mix created just too much confusion when I was still trying to figure out the characters in the story.

  8. While this was a nicely crafted piece riding on the vehicle on narration via dialogue, where I feel it may have faulted is the inability to properly distinguish and explain the sci fi elements. In some places you did but in other cases tou lost your readers; the imagery stuck with you but didnt convey well. This made it hard to picture what the story was all about; one had to rely on tit bits of info here there to grasp the story.

    But I commend your imagination; it is rich and captivating in way….especially how you presented the case of Naija being a nation that had not been corrupted by technology and science.

  9. I read it twice to understand. I see this is experimental and that’s cool. All the same, I enjoyed it to an appreciable level especially because the context in which the Idoma names were used made the narrative humorous. And your rich, poetic style surfaced. too.

    Yeah, it was difficult to follow because for the style you chose—absence of dialogue tags—a simple plot would have made for a much more interesting read. I believe this different albeit experimental flash piece I wrote suffered from the same problem; as readers suggested.

    http://www.naijastories.com/2012/10/an-agonizing-sentence/

    Keep up the good work, bro.

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