I was fourteen, he could have been ninteen or twenty, I know there is a gap of about five to six years between us. I was wearing blue, I can’t remember what he was wearing nor who was there with us but I remember the intense way his eyes looked into mine and the rush of emotions I felt and how my heart beat increased rapidly and threatened to bust out of my chest.
He’s my first love, the first guy I ever loved perhaps ever truly loved or will ever truly be in love with. In my head and dreams he resided, though he was within my reach I was to shy or timid to say anything, I was young but I knew I was definitely in love because when he’s around me I feel the earth shake, feel like am flying , can’t stop smiling and nothing else matters just him.
I waited and my wait was not in vain for a day came when he confessed his love to me, and I wanted to say I felt the same way, but I never did.
In his company, I felt complete. In his absence my dreams will take flight and only him will be there.
Oh memories of our time together, sweet like the very essence of our youthful selves.
I remember when he wanted to take my innocence, in the sitting room of their house with his father in a close by room, yes we were family friends and I spent a lot of time in his house yet I never got bored of him.
I refused to give what he wanted, I felt it would be too easy for him, to ask for the for the first time and get, the urgency in his actions, the way he wanted me, the pleading in his eyes all made me feel special and wanted.
I badly wanted to give what he wanted yet I didn’t for the sake of morality or I was afraid he’d tire of me and cast me off if he got what he wanted.
Then the distance came, unfortunately there were no phones yet, so our distance was a completely blank one.
I didn’t hear from him nor did I see him for years yet I still used to think about him everyday and I used to imagine and wonder if he ever felt the same as I did.
Then we met again, I was happy that he missed me, his eyes said it all but his actions set me off, as if all he ever wanted was to get what he didn’t get before. I am not the kind of person who wants a perfect partner, I just want to love and be loved sincerely, but I think the intensity of the love I felt for him made me raise my expectations beyond reasoning, I wanted him to not only want me but to need me like the very air he breathed, like a child needs his mother.
We exchanged numbers, but it wasn’t like before the distance came between us, he had a girlfriend my guess cus a guy as handsome as he was couldn’t be single.
We drifted apart, like day and night and seemed to remember each other when we met, our lives normal but we both knew how much we needed eachother and it showed when ever we met. The greatest shock for me was when I heard he was getting engaged, well speculations becuase he never told me and we don’t keep secrets, I was hurt. Why was I hurt when I was headed the same way my self almost getting engaged and that secret I kept from him, did I expect that he’d wait for me all his life or that he’d run after me and beg and grovel that he’d die without me.
Perhaps that was what I wanted, I might have felt fulfilled that the depth of my love was reciprocated, I wouldn’t want that from another person, cus I haven’t loved any one that deeply.
After almost 10 to 12 years, am with someone and planning to settle down yet am still thinking of him, would things have been different if my expectations weren’t too high?, would things have been different If I had not expected him to become my Romeo and die for me?.
Could we have been together if I have given what he wanted?, “my innocence”.
He’s with someone so am I. Why do we still talk like lovers, why do we still kiss and call each other friends, why does my heart still beat faster when I see him or even his calls. Why do I still dream of him paying my bride price.
COULD I HAVE MISSED THE LOVE OF MY LIFE?