And there was an inadvertable silence for about thirty seconds. My mouth was open while my hands were clutched together, Aderemi’s hands where on her head and Adejoke burst into tears. “WHAT?? Why did you u slap me.” Dad roared with much rage and fury in his eyes as he moved closer to her. “Achoow! Achoow! Get away from me. Did you hold a dog or what” mum said while sneezing all over the place with her face turning purple.
“Are you messing with me? If you didn’t know that I brought a dog, why did you slap me” he asked with anger but with a little bit of surprise added to the equation.
“I slapped you because you brought a girl home. I mean, don’t you have any shame at all” she replied still sneezing.
“Oh my God, the bitch you are thinking about is not what it is. It’s a dog, a female dog. Oooo so you thought I brought a girl home” he said with so much surprise and disappointment written all over his face. “I bought the dog for a little girl, one of my cancer patients. I promised to get one for her. Penny, I’m really disappointed I must say”
“Dejoke, is this true? Is it a Dog you saw?” she asked with a face that spelt (I will wound you today).
“Yes mummy, it’s a female Dog. That’s why I came to warn you that he his cuddling it because I know you are allergic to it” Adejoke replied with a straight face and her hands behind her back.
“WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST SAY DOG? WHY??”Mum shouted at her.
“Sebi it’s you and daddy that said I’m a brilliant girl and that I should always speak correct English. In our word and opposite, I saw that a female Dog is bitch that’s why I said it” Adejoke said with a puppy dog face*how ironic*
To worsen the whole case, she now said ‘ppwwiisshh ma, I’m sowwiiiee’. Chai!!! That shit works every time. I remember one time when I burnt dad’s new shirt, I now wanted to use Adejoke’s charm. Before I could say ppww…I received one divine slap that made me see WHITE. Just WHITE. If you need more enlightenment on how the slap was, watch Chinese film, they can slap for Africa.
However, the golden daughter was forgiven, after all, she’s just a child mum said. (I hear child oh!!! Somebody that when she started growing mammary glands I said “Dejoke, u have boil on your chest’’ *that’s me trying to be modest oh* but my little sister said “no oh! This is not boil oh; this is breast as in bobby e on ja mi laya”). What little girl says that?
Anyhow sha, the most awkward part of the day is come. We were all silent, dad stormed out of the parlour, mum is crying, Aderemi is filing her nails *I know right? Heartless girl*, Adejoke is sitting on the floor and me I’m writing the details that you are reading now in my E.diary on my I pad. I know what you are thinking. Alright I admit I’m heartless too.
As if the day couldn’t get any worse, we heard a knock on the door. “Muchacha, go get the door” mum said while wiping her tears.
“Who is that” Adejoke asked while standing up from the floor.
“It’s me kizito” the person answered. Okay, here’s the deal about sir kizito (that’s what I call him), he’s our everything. I realize that sounds like I’m giving God’s attribute to another person but for real, he is literally our everything. Okay, let me shed more light on it.
Sir Kizito is our plumber, carpenter, bricklayer, welder, dry cleaner and any other thing a man with two hands can do. You see, thus calling him our everything. Lest I forget, the man is also our gardener. Oya, back to the main matter.
“Madam, gbege haf hapun oh” he said while scratching his head. I couldn’t but laugh at his unique igbotic accent.
“What is the problem kizito” mum asked with a look on her face that clearly shows she wasn’t in the mood for any jokes. “Ehn madam, the thing be say the dog wey oga bring come house don scatter the rose garden wey you talk say make I do” he said without any clue of the implication of that statement.
“WHAT! How come? I thought she was in the car” mum shrieked. I was already withdrawing backwards to my room; I think I have had enough reality show to watch today.
“CANT YOU ANSWER ME? I SAID HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?” mum shouted at sir kizito. Okay, here’s the thing. You burn my mum’s soup, no wahala, you destroy her garden, she ends you.
“Hmmm, madam, I see the dog for car I kon say to myself, Holy Mary! See how dog be like teddy bear. I kon remove am from the car. Naso e bite my finger commot, start dey do police and thief for your garden” sir kizitio explained which such dexterity in his igbotic pidgin.
At that point, I stopped writing the details of what was happening and I started writing a will and a eulogy for our dear sir kizito.
The man still kept on talking not knowing how angry he was getting my mum. Aderemi was giving him countless signs for him to shut that hole in his face but the man just didn’t get the drift.
“Kizito, I really don’t know what to say to you. However, re-do the garden alright, and this time don’t set goats to the field” said mum. She didn’t really have the strength to shout much, she’s still sober for giving her husband betaslap.
Sir Kizito escaped her wrath, instead of him to run away, he now did the most stupid thing anyone could’ve done. He said “madam, I fit see small beans chop” (chaiiiiii! Chaaaaiiiiii!)
Won’t tell you what my mum said. What you need to know is that she pursued him out with a spatula.
And before I forget, after my mum finished cooking, she went to apologise to my dad. Of course, he accepted the apology, only that she was to hug the “bitch” that he brought home.
She sneezed for three days straight.