She Walked Away…

She Walked Away…

Tunji! Tunji! Tunji!!

“i hate when this man wastes my time” Caro said

“There is no excuse for this!”

Tunji approaches Caro all wet and looking rugged…

“I was having my bath, i didn’t know you were set for work” Tunji said

“Do you expect me to wait all day for you?” Caro said with a stern look
and Tunji trembled with so much fear and said “I AM SORRY”
Caro walked out angrily and slammed the door, before Tunji could get to the door, she dad drove off

His inner thoughts spoke!
“what kind of life am i living?”
jobless and penniless as Tunji was he promised his every tomorrow to be better…
He prepared lunch and set out to see an old friend of his.

“hello!” “Justina” He said
“where are you” Justina replied
“i am at 1004 is that not where you said you would be?” He said
“of course i am there now…” she sighed!
“ok! ok! i see you just wait for me” she said

Just as Tunji turned to get a sit, he saw Justina
She had changed!

“Justina you look amazing, i mean beyond amazing” He said still gazing at her, he couldn’t help but stare. Her eyes were like the clouds in the sky, with her body like that of a polished log

“Tunji! Tunji!!, stop looking at me like that now… she spoke with so much sarcasm
“Am sorry” he said as he smiled. it was the first time he apologized with a relieving smile on his face
Tunji was so happy, as they laughed ate and discussed. it had indeed been a while

“Oh my God! what am i going to do” Tunji said while looking at his wristwatch “i am late” he said
“What is it? it is only just 4 pm and by the way late for what?” Caro asked with so much curiosity
“i am supposed to pick the kids from school at 4 pm

“Tunji! have you become a nanny?” Justina asked with so much hope for a negative answer
“I am sorry… i have to go” he said as he got up and hurriedly left to get the next cab to take him to British International School

Tunji got to the school as at 5 pm, he was an hour late!
The kids were sitting outside because the school had closed and everyone had gone home
“Bolu, Toun… i hope you two are okay?” he said

Comments

comments


9 thoughts on “She Walked Away…” by Deremi (@Jessy_deremi)

  1. Avatar of Nalongo
    Nalongo (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    I could not understand the storyline.

  2. Avatar of namdi
    namdi (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    - The arrangement of the story was not nice, especially the dialogues.
    - The letter ‘I’ was typed as ‘i’ in severally places.
    - Some words were wrongly spelt e.g had was spelt as dad.
    - “She Walked Away”…..still wondering if that was a fitting title.
    - The story ended abruptly. I thought it had just began.

  3. Avatar of Chris Bamidele
    Chris Bamidele (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Apparently the writer loves to write, but he/she needs to be clear in his/her dialogue and the title needs to capture the theme of the story just like the commenter above me said. I will wait to see if the next episode will be better. best of luck

  4. Avatar of kay
    kay (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    did not really get the message

  5. Avatar of innoalifa
    innoalifa (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    @Jessy_deremi, I’m familiar with the name Carol, so I was wondering whether the writer intended Caro for Carol or what… many sentences were begun with small characters… I believe you can check the story out again and polish it…

    1. Avatar of Deremi
      Deremi (@): Newbie - 0 pts

      So sorry about the errors. And yes the latter would be better, the beginning doesn’t always have to suit the title all that matters is the end.

  6. Avatar of Afronuts
    Afronuts (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Most of the issues have been raised in other comments.

    I think you also mixed the names of your characters at some point. Check out where you called Justina Caro instead.

    You need to write more and read other people’s works to get better.

  7. I think Afronuts, namdi and the rest of these great guys have said it all. For me, I think you gotta do some major reading. Read some more and then it’d actually surprise you how good you’d get with words and expressions

  8. Avatar of Deremi
    Deremi (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    thank you @lordkel

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