The Annoying Coworker

Ext. Outside, next to the parking lot of Wemington Information System (WIC) Building – Day, probably around 12:00pm

Two men, JAMES (29) and LEONARD (30) both stand outside chit-chatting while enjoying a break from the usual office life.

JAMES leans his back on the wall, one leg down, one leg against the wall; He wears a three piece suit. He has a stern look, like a disciplinarian

LEONARD keeps a horizontal stance, with his eyes fixated on JAMES; like a scientist looking at lab rat.

LEONARD places his right hand on JAMES shoulder, leaning forward to spark up a conversation

LEONARD

You know JAMES, I’ve been dying to ask you some questions, like literally dying, like the other day my heart was seriously aching because of these questions; it felt like a fat rhinoceros had sat on my chest, like a big fat Rhino, those kind you only see where you come from

JAMES

Oh for the love Cleopatra’s clean vag, here we go again, do you have to go through with this, during this very short, short! Break?

LEONARD

Yes, It’s my responsibility as a friend, I would suck if I didn’t ask, besides I would literally like die if I didn’t ask; you know from my heart aches and all.

JAMES

Oh please, you said the exact same thing about your heart ache to the new secretary

LEONARD

She is beautiful, with her succulent sassiness and voluptuous humor, and oh that round like cheeks of hers, she’s stunning and that’s me been fair

JAMES

Fair! When are you ever fair?

LEONARD

I am fair as King Solomon, and I’m as honest as Abe, you know Abe right? He was the first president of this beautiful country. Oh Abe, he had such mannered love for everyone, you know, he wanted peace and ‘togetherness’ too bad it didn’t work out. Anyways back to my throbbing question

JAMES  sighed like he had lost a battle. LEONARD waited for the required response from JAMES before he could ask his question.

JAMES

……..ask me oooo………

JAMES seemed to be uttering an unknown lingua under his breath; LEONARD did not seem to notice JAMES current discontent

LEONARD

Back there, you know back home, where do you lay rest for the night, you know like how baby Jesus, at night, slept in a manger

JAMES

What? You are fucking retard, how the hell are you my friend?

LEONARD

Hmmm…. I think I complete you, in a good way, not in a joker kind of way that was way too creepy for this handsome fellow (pointing to himself)

LEONARD tall and well built, took a pose, like a model would

All JAMES could do was shake his head repeatedly, not in disgust but in disbelief

LEONARD (CONT’D)

So………. (Waving his hands) At night…..you know……where do you lay for another glorious morning?

JAMES

A house, I guess?

LEONARD

Interesting, so you lived in a normal, well built house, back home?

JAMES sighed again without annoyance

JAMES

YES, Leo, yes! I lived in a normal home

LEONARD

So, a house with roofs, vents, proper drainage system, and a solid foundation?

LEONARD wore a blank stare, JAMES stare was more desolate.

JAMES

Unfortunately, yes

LEONARD

Amazing, just amazing, I never would have thought….. I’m sure you’re like an inspiration to your tribal folks

JAMES

What?

LEONARD

Whaaaatttttttt?

(Silence)

JAMES

What?

(Silence)

LEONARD (CONT’D)

Yeah, you do know, you’re like the Martin Luther King to your people, the Abe to your generation

JAMES

You don’t say, quickly again, tell me how you were hired with all the stupidity that comes out from your mouth hole?

LEONARD

Ha! Mouth hole, ha! anyways, Umm, I applied, you know like normal people do? I know you’re not used to this kind of environment but I’m sure the hiring process here is similar to where you come from

JAMES Laughs,

JAMES

We have a hiring process? I never knew, I thought we just walked around without goals, oh tell me more! Oh Sensei of the River Nile

LEONARD (CONT’D)

Well, prior to what you think or might not know, I am a very informed individual. As my other legal title implies, I am Mr. El Castro of international studies.

JAMES

Oh…REALLY! Because sometimes….no…no….….Every time, you come across as a fool, a proper well rounded fool, always luxuriously dressed

LEONARD shakes his head disapprovingly

LEONARD (CONT’D)

Very harsh words my friend, very harsh,

JAMES

Well, the truth can be bitter

LEONARD

LEONARD lifts his hands up high, into the deep blue sky, amidst the bird’s chippings.

Why God? Why does my brother betray me with such ominous words?

JAMES

I don’t think he listens to fools especially specific fools like you

LEONARD (CONT’D)

I shall let your words slide, but not to sound racist but how did you sleep at night, knowing any hungry, and I’m stressing ANY, ill mannered lion could stroll into your abode with the intent of making you its supper?

JAMES

Well, that’s not racist, that’s disgustingly ignorant, Mr. El Castro Leonard

LEONARD

First off, I like the way my name sounds with El. Castro, very eccentric, goes very well, Second, Of course it’s not racist, you racist swine

JAMES (CONT’D)

Look at who’s pointing a finger, the other day you told, no, you asked Mrs. Felicia from accounting if she had any Tacos to spare.

LEOANRD

That doesn’t make me prejudice towards color, can’t I ask a fellow coworker for Tacos? I mean I heard they make good tacos from where she comes from?

JAMES

You don’t have a brain, do you Leo?

LEONARD

I do; in fact, I have a very sexy one

JAMES

You know, I think I’ll be, I’ll be going now, break’s over, I’m going inside

LEONARD

Oh come on, Anger is not the way my friend, you know you should be proud of who you are, and what you have done for your people.

Ext. JAMES starts walking to the back door, LEONARD slowly follows, asking more questions.

LEONARD

So one more

JAMES

No more

LEONARD

So, I heard you guys play a tournament game called Monkey poo

JAMES

What?

LEONARD

Yeah, I heard it’s a very well thought-out game, like chess, only with Poo and less sitting down

JAMES

What? Poo! Where the hell did you hear that?

LEONARD

No one actually, just made it up, seems like a game you guys would play back there

JAMES

Shut up, before I punch you right on your throat, right where all those stuff you say comes out

LEONARD

How far you have come, James

From huts to this, just look at yourself, you know if your people are not proud of you, I AM, I am proud of you, you are a strong man James.

JAMES

Oh fuck off Leo, by the way, are you done with your project, the one Danny gave us?

LEONARD

Yea, like last week

JAMES

Shit, like how do you do it?

LEONARD

Hey, no one asks Superman why he is super? He just is, I am even better than Super, I am super amazing

JAMES

No shit, anyways I’ll need your help to finish mine, it’s due tomorrow, right?

LEONARD

Yes, I’ll help, I’ll give you my strength, that’s what friends do; the awesome friend helps the not-so awesome friend.

JAMES

Don’t forget the dumb ass friend who keeps asking dumb ass questions

LEONARD

I know right, some friends are dumb as fuck, not us though, we are special, like coconut

JAMES

No shit, Dr. Watson

LEONARD

Yep, yep, so………………did you have electricity in the huts you lived in?

JAMES laughed at his coworker and continued walking. LEONARD slowly followed till both reached the back door entrance.

EXT. Outside the wemington building, DAY – probably around 12:15pm, nothing much happened except for the two squirrels, sitting on a tree next to the WIC parking lot, loudly chatting with a seemingly British accent.

BLUE SQUIRREL

What a bunch of dumbasses, same story everyday

RED SQUIRREL

You know what Thomas, for the first time I completely agree with you, those two are assholes especially the lighter one

BLUE SQUIRREL

You would think they would discuss something different, but same thing every bloody day

RED SQUIRREL

We need a new place, this place sucks dry nuts

BLUE SQUIRREL

I know right, the kind your mother hates

RED SQUIRREL

There you go again insulting my dare old mother

BLUE SQUIRREL

Insult? That was more of a socialized complaint

EXT. Again, Outside the WIC Parking lot – DAY Around 12:30pm, nothing much happened except for two birds chipping away tunes.



6 thoughts on “The Annoying Coworker” by Uyiosa (@wordsfromuyi)

  1. And the point of this is?

  2. I don’t get it at all..

  3. RoseofSharon (@whistlingbeautiful)

    interesting how there can be so much diversity and ignorance at the same time…waoh

  4. I don’t understand this. Maybe because I didn’t finish it. Someone please help explain o.

  5. … though not easy to decipher the subject matter, it seems a good try… write more…

  6. I like the way you put the story. It’s interesting to read just how different people can be yet still remain “friends”. It'[s actually a funny piece.

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