Saying something to an Ex-

Saying something to an Ex-

When we happened on each other,

The acridness of our breakup still swirling about my mouth,

I saw the question in your eyes –

A tinge of spite to it

Asking me to say something on what was us –

on us minus you.

Us divided into me and you.

And,

I could tell you there where white hot spaces of grief

Between now and our parting,

I could say there was a shattering

Of the tranquility you brought me,

That the world shifted on its seat –

Like a restless child, agitated,

Its colours became stilted as you left with no goodbye,

Maybe I’d even make you think of storm clouds gathering, Oceans baying, Suns receding, stars blacking out in my firmament – because you were my clear skies and bright light –

 

I could –

But it would never be true as saying,

That whole place in my heart where the music to your presence played,

Has gone eloquently quiet –

And you know that I gave you all of my heart…I let your music play in every of its inch.

 

And, that, this unaccustomed silence, is me, imploding –

You’d know!

 

(Epilogue:

You made our parting as blunt as a completed business deal

– tidy headshakes

– swift departures

As if you knew how

– you Invested in me a simmering hatred

– you Divested me of my laconic trust in you

– you Merged my frail heart to a sudden suspicion of love

– You Acquired all the joy I could dare give another

And left me Bankrupt – Broke,

Broken, Like a petulant child’s toy)

 



10 thoughts on “Saying something to an Ex-” by O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

  1. Seems somehow scattered but otherwise good. Adept use of imagery.

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @myne, thanks for the criticism and commendation.

  2. nice…….when well understood

    try editing

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @kay, got you. Thanks.

  3. Very promising, but has a lot of rough edges

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @kaycee, hear you loud and clear, appreciate the candor.

  4. Good poem, all other critiques noted as in above.

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @funpen, So noted and adopted. Thank ya for checking in, and for liking this.

  5. Good concept.
    But to me this is more like a soliloquy than a poem. Some lines are poetic no doubt, but they are a way too scattered. You can rearrange the enjambment (run-on-lines) and reconsider your choice of words to find rhythm for the poem. Some words seem too formal and rigid to play a good role in such a write-up.
    @O-money this is just my opinion.

    Thanks.

  6. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

    @chudiebere, This is the most specific critique on here, and I think it is very valid. I get your ideas and hope to get better, especially with word choices. Thanks for reading and the opinion. Well received.

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