Ness (the Mess)

Ness (the Mess)

“Mrs. Talaba. This is the third time Ness would be doing this! I have warned him several times today but he wouldn’t listen.”

“Who is this Ness? He seems to be a very naughty trouble maker. Call him for me now!” Miss. Kemi Talaba instructed the young chubby girl that had come into her staff room. Kemi had been busy all day, and she could have shoved the report from this girl off, if not that the name she had mentioned had been heard by her almost a dozen times during the day.

When Antonia came in with the huge figure, Kemi thought she had gone to call her father, but for the uniform the man was putting on, her thoughts could have further lingered.

“Here he is ma.” Antonia spoke to the bewildered teacher, satisfied within herself that the offender won’t go unpunished.

“Ooh. So you are the Ness. I guess” She was nodding to summon courage to address the man as she would one of her student.

“Yes ma. Can I help you?” His baritone was very relaxed; it buried the abruptness of his question.

“Poor Antonia here said that you were staring at her behind?” Kemi fought hard to keep an equally relaxed voice, but she failed woefully.

“Her behind ke?” The man winced disgustedly, “I can’t! I don’t even know where they are.”

“Ah! Liar! You did!” Antonia protested feigning crocodile tears.

“Me? Aunty, I only stared at her buttocks. Not her behind!”

Kemi cachinnated uncontrollably, “It’s the same. Now you tell me why you did that.”

“Did what?” Ness asked surprisingly, as if suddenly guiltless of the offence he just confessed.

“Stop being a fool! Why were you staring at her buttocks?” Kemi frowned at the offender.

“Huh…” Ness scratched his head for answers that never came. It was so obvious that he personally didn’t consider the offence an offence. “Aunty, you won’t understand.”

“Common. Shut up! You pervert! How dare you?”

“Like, I said, you won’t understand.”

“Understand what! Do you…”

All eyes went to the door as a handsome young master sauntered in. He held big text books in one hand while two packets of chalks occupied his other hand. Antonia ran to collect the materials from him but he waved her off.

“What is happening here?” Mr Baku asked as soon as he entered

“Thank God you’re here Mr Baku. This haughty man in student uniform has been a nuisance in the class all day. This is the umpteenth time his case would be reported to me today.”

Mr. Baku walked towards them and sat slightly on Kemi’s table, placing the items beside him properly. “What is it with him this time?”

“Sir,” Antonia started, “he keeps looking at my backside all day.” She sobbed

“Is that true?” Mr Baku inquired with a stiff frown, gesticulating his anger by hitting the table hard and frowning at Ness, “Ness. Tell me this isn’t true?”

Ness, looked defeated at first, then he mustered courage to reply the angry man whose facial expression promised Ness hot spanking from the man’s robust brown stick

“Uncle. Even if aunty would not understand, you should naw (as a man)”

“Understand what? – ” Baku cut in rudely.

“That is what he has been saying since. I don’t know what he implies by understanding.” Kemi was happy that Baku had come in, she couldn’t have summoned enough courage to address the man as a student without Baku’s presence.

“Please sir and ma. Permit me to explain what I mean to you.”

Mr Bako nodded agreeably while the mistress said, “Go ahead”

Ness turned to Antonia, “Please turn around, let them see what you’ve got there. Then, they can decide if I am guilty or not for the offence charged against me.” The two teachers could not hold back their laughter, and seeing that the girl was determined not to obey him, Ness grabbed her by her waist and threw her big plump body over his left shoulder with one quick expert swift. Her body wriggled violently for freedom, but with his glued grip, she could have been fighting a rock.

“Aunty and Uncle, see for yourselves.” Antonia’s brown school skirt, which covered her enormous rumps knocked against the door of his succulent left chin continually as she struggled for freedom. Her hands slapped his hard backbone while her sharp teeth searched hard for any part of his skin where chunks could be violently ripped out. Ness bent a bit, ignoring the sweetness of her movement over him, to give the laughing teachers a good view of what he had been staring at. Antonia’s skirt was mini and tight, very tempting! She had carefully ironed the skirt that it revealed almost every line of the skin they covered. “See, such charming ikebe.” The presentation made the rotund shape more firm, projected, and very funny.

“Common put her down!” Kemi scolded, discontinuing her laugher abruptly. It was funny – in fact very funny, but something inside Kemi just didn’t feel the fun anymore.

“How can such ikebe pass without carrying stares along?” Ness concluded after he had put her down safely. His face changing imperceptibly into one very innocent one, as he noticed the contradictory appearances of the two teachers; Mr. Bako was uncontrollably laughing around the room, clapping, hitting his belle and roaring with much hilarity so much so that tears began to seep out from his eyes. This made the female teacher’s wince tightened.

“Well, the poor guy has a point there. You know?” Bako said when his laughter subsided.

“I don’t think so Mr. Bako! –” She turned to Ness angrily, “Ness, get on your kneels!’ She said quickly, not wanting the decision thwarted, then turning back to Mr. Baku, she said, “He needs be punished for such a repugnant action!” She was yelling at her H.O.D

“Nooo. Stand up Ness,” Mr. Baku disappointed the mistress, “these girls put on outrageous outfits to school everyday, the boys have no choice.”

“Shouldn’t the boys learn how to cover their eyes and take their minds off? Is that what makes a good lady?”

Baku was one very easily upset character, and he was already feeling angry at his junior’s remarks; he turned to her with a frown, “See, you are jealous because the girl has bigger size than you. Hehehe

“Mr. Baku! I won’t have you insult me in front of these students. I have had enough from you. God knows what size your willy is? And I’m not making jest of it. So don’t you dare pass any insulting comments, otherwise youll’d have yourself to blame.”

“Oh.. so you have real madness inside you Kemi! You can unleash it this afternoon and youll’d forever regret it! Walahi! Call me bastard if you don’t”

Kemi winced, she was no more cautious of the two students’ presence, she couldn’t afford to be defeated. In that instance, the well-paying salaried job made no meaning to her. “Baku. The worst you can do is to compel the Principal to sack me! And, I’m so less concerned about that.

Who even said not to make reference to your tiny phallus? Ronke told me about it; she told me about the smallness of it and how it made her regret ever seeing the disgusting little thing. You think it was just ‘strong head’ that made her and me disagree to your marriage proposal? Hahahaha! It was observation o. I’ve heard about your incompetence long before now, and I can’t marry an imbecile! A Castrate! -”

“Your father is the imbecile! Your father is the imbecile, Kemi. Not me! See you, shapeless as an amoeba, flat yanch! Even the girl’s busts are bigger than yours. -”

“Baku. Enough of this!

Are you insane? Can’t you even think? Is this where your mates are? You knot a tie around your neck everyday like one of those successful men, but where are you off to? School! School to teach! Teach like a satisfied idiot!

See, the clear proof of my shapelessness o – You pestered me twice to marry you! But I know my head would never accept an ill-fated hubby. My ancestors would not allow me lai lai!. I can’t affor- ”

“You shut your mouth before I shut it for you -”

“And what if I don’t? Macho man! Stop bragging, when there isn’t anything to brag about, sacking me could satisfy you, not your unfortunate future wife.”

Mr Baku. . .or rather, Benson raced at Kemi with raised left hand, he was about slapping her, when a sharp baritone voice cautioned him regretfully of what he was about doing. He stopped in mid-air and tried hard to reflect upon what the voice had said. He looked around and was awfully sorry; for a handful of excited students were already at the door snickering and sniggering. Antonia wasn’t in the staff room anymore, God knows where she went. And Ness? He was the talking man that had bought back their attention.

Kemi regretted her actions too, they had been too impulsive. She blushed shamefully at the impossible words that Ness had just said to both of them. In one glance, she could see Ronke (a mate) staring disappointedly at her.

“Wha…wha…what did…did you say?” Benson Bako successfully asked Ness, quietly.

“The principal is calling the both of you sir.” Ness said again, smirking mischievously.


21 thoughts on “Ness (the Mess)” by Levuz (@Levuz)

  1. bunmiril (@bunmiril)

    You misspelt the HOD’s name at some point.
    There were a few other errors.
    It was quite hilarious.
    Well done.

    1. Levuz (@Levuz)

      @bunmiril, @jefsaraurmax, @TolaO, @nalongo, @coshincozor, @all who read this.

  2. Wow, this is wrong on so many levels….

    1. Hi @jefsaraurmax,

      What did you not like about the story?

    2. Levuz (@Levuz)

      The tenses, spellings and the story seem kinnda impossible abi? I’m sorry, the whole scene was a dream, Kemi woke up in her office to see Antonia come in to report Ness as it was in this dream. I wish I added the correction but anyway, pls dont miss the next series Ness (The holy church) and Ness(Misconception). I’ll avoid erors DV>

      Thanks for commenting!

  3. Nalongo (@Nalongo)


    1. Levuz (@Levuz)

      lol! Please dont miss the next Ness series (The Holy Church).
      Thanks for reading and commenting.

  4. I know something is wrong with the language but I like it makes me laugh. The wrongness of the language even added to the fun.

    1. Levuz (@Levuz)

      Thanks a lot brother. What I actually wanted to add would have made it more funny but I didn’t have the time to. I hope you enjoy the next Ness series, (The holy church). Thanks for reading and catching the fun.

  5. Hehehe…funny story. Nice one.

  6. Hilarious! The flat-nyashed teacher and the pinkie-dick HOD sure made me laugh.
    This was funny Levus, and I wish you had taken your time. The dream slant would have helped töo. I will check for the next, better luck then. Well done. $ß.

    @TolaO. I reckon Jef is referring to the mess the teachers made of themselves.

  7. Funny. Correction however: It is (you’d or you’ll) and not (you’ll’d)

    Anyway I’m guessing the next will be lots better. Well done Levus

    1. Levuz (@Levuz)

      Lots better hopefully. Please you may check the revised version out now (and then decide if it is better) @Mimiadebayo, @sibbylwhyte
      Thank you!

  8. Considering you meant this to be a dream, then no problem…otherwise, it would have been ludicrous

    1. Levuz (@Levuz)

      @topazo, yes bro. you are right. You may please check the revised edition out now sir (The real mess). I hope that is a lot better.

  9. Nice idea for a story.

    From the begining it was hilarious but at some point the humour started to get extreme and out of hand.
    Then a lot of the action between the teachers and probably the scene where Ness carried Antonia on his shoulder, seems kind of exaggerated.

    But the premise of a problem between two students resulting into friction between two teachers made sense. Its just the execution of the story that I feel needs some work. Also, you need to watch the typos and tense constructions.

  10. And if this was meant to be a dream, then you could have added it…that would have made way more meaning for the crazy actions towards the end of the story.

    Oh…I did forget to mention that you do write well…I noticed that in the early part of the story. It was towards the end that you seemed to lose the trail.

    1. Levuz (@Levuz)

      It is indeed a dream sir. @Afronuts, please see the new edition (The real mess). Thanks for the comment sir. It is a great honour for me. I will work more on the ‘…towards the end side’. Thanks

  11. mendel martha (@ihenyengladysusile)

    funny!!! Ness is a true trouble maker…..

  12. Omena (@menoveg)

    Omo, Ness don mess.

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