Have you had any experience where the views you normally hold suddenly goes down the drain? I mean, a situation where you see yourself believing or doing that which you have repeatedly told yourself you wouldn’t believe or do. It isn’t a pretty experience. It is usually a very awkward moment. Lemme give you the gist.
I respect women a lot. I even believe that they are more intelligent than men, but as much as I believe that, I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to the matter of the heart and body- that is…man-woman relationship, most women tend to act in a way that would betray their ‘wisdom’.
Last week, my girlfriend came around. She had us watching some Nollywood flick. I normally wouldn’t do this but when one has been in a relationship for a long time and the woman just seems to be the ‘one’, there are a lot of things we would do for ‘love’.
In the flick we were seeing, there was this pretty chic, I think she is popular. She got involved with some dude like that, a very broke ass son of a woman. What this popular actress did was to change the dude’s world.
She got him a nice job, a car for his birthday and even went as far as making a down payment for a house.
With all these, one would expect that she would be the bossy type, maybe make her man wash her panties, not as if there is anything wrong with that, but you get the drift.
Well, she wasn’t.
She cooked for him, doted on him; she was even faithful to him and all that. It only felt right that they should get married and they did. It was a beautiful wedding…you all know how Nollywood would be trying to waste recording time so that they could use up 1 hour 30 minutes then have a reasonable excuse to make a part two…It felt like they were leaving in their own heaven made on earth. Nothing was supposed to have gone wrong but the dude did go wrong.
He got involved with his secretary and was foolish enough to invite her home. As Nollywood would have it, the good wife walked in and caught him red handed; in the very act of going-down-low.
The part that annoyed me was his response.
‘Oh My God…I can explain…It is not what you think’
Those are three popular stupid sentences which do not make any sense. I was angry with the whole script. I didn’t see any reason why they had to add that part, but then it was just a movie, a cool one at that. To worsen it all, he blasphemed and called God’s name in vain, if you are the type that is moved by such things.
To blow off any chances of us having to watch any Nollywood movie again- together, I brought up an argument about how terrible the flick was and trust babes- my girlfriend I mean, she was quick to say that it was what made the movie interesting; however, she agreed that she wouldn’t listen to the man if she were the woman.
Well, all that was last week.
So, yesterday, I went to my girlfriend’s house. Her peeps are cool like that. They probably think we just kneel down and pray when we are together or whatever but that doesn’t matter. They know I am a good boy, they never fail to tell me, they know I am a good influence on their girl, they never fail to remind and I know that I should feel good but deep down it is somewhat scary. The only thing they ain’t doing is calling me ‘In-law’ yet.
My girl has got just one sibling, a brother who is a playful dude between 4 or 5. There is one helluva big age gap between two of them. So it is just the two of them, her peeps and the house maid. I have never really understood why they needed a house maid, but they had one.
Sorry for drifting… So, I went visiting. I should have called earlier but the service on my phone was terrible. When I got there, the gateman let me in. The front door was unlocked and my young friend was playing superman with his toys in the living room. He said everyone had gone out and I was finding it awkward- I had concluded that it was the maid’s duty to keep an eye on him.
I sat down, watched TV a little bit, started a chat with him, felt bored within six minutes of sitting down idle and so when out of the blue he asked me if I wanted to play hide and seek, I didn’t think twice. I agreed.
He started out first. I closed my eyes counted to twenty, after which I fooled around, pretending that I wasn’t seeing him and then I acted startled when I found him crouching behind my seat.
Then it was my turn and foolishly, I was enjoying it.
I should have hidden behind a curtain in the living room or behind a door or something, but I was enjoying myself. I made sure he closed his eyes and counted aloud. I had been in all the rooms in the house except the master bedroom and for a second or two I thought about going into the master bedroom to hide.
When my young friend was shouting ‘15’ or thereabout, I screamed at him to make sure he had his eyes closed then I jumped into my girlfriend’s room. There were a hundred and one places I could have hidden but I decided to hide her mammoth-sized wardrobe. When I say mammoth, I am not exaggerating in anyway.
It was filled with so many clothes, bags, shoes and all what not and it was as dark as hell when I closed the doors.
I listened as my young friend started his search, I heard him call my name and I couldn’t help not giggling. He even came into the room and I could see him through the crack where the wardrobe doors met but all he did was circle around the room then leave. It was funny…really, it was fun.
I think had stayed there all of five minutes when I noticed some movement from underneath the bed. I looked closely through the crack and what I saw was the maid, crawling out from under the bed…butt naked and all. She grabbed some clothes and ran out of the room. I later heard the bathroom door adjacent to the room close with a bang.
It was really awkward. I knew the maid slept in the same room as my girlfriend but I have never heard anything about her sleeping naked underneath the bed. I made a mental note to tell my girlfriend about it.
I was going to come out then when I heard my young friend walk into the room again, so I put on my game face and tried to peek at him to see where he would search this time, but this time he came in with my girlfriend and my grin grew wider- he was asking for help. I wanted to see how both of them would find me. As quickly as the excitement I had grew, so did the shock I got when their mum…my girlfriend’s mum…walked in, asking what was wrong.
The terrible thing was that I was about to jump out and shout TADA! Scare or surprise my girlfriend and her brother, but their mum’s appearance changed things. There was no way I could explain hiding in the wardrobe…in the girl’s room for that matter. I was so confused, I couldn’t think…and the longer I stayed inside the wardrobe, the more complex I knew I was making things look.
Believe me, if praying could have helped at that time, I could have prayed and just as if God was hearing my thoughts, the mum asked my young friend if he was sure that I was around as he claimed as she turned to leave the room and I was about to shed tears of joy when the unexpected happened. My girl asked her mum for her phone. She said the service on hers was down.
I thought she wanted to try to call my number, so I had to put it on vibration. I tried to pull it out of my tight jeans, but it wouldn’t budge and I couldn’t twist much lest I make too much noise. You know, when a man is unlucky, even the smallest element like skin-tight-penciled jeans would try to spoil a man’s shine.
In between struggling to get my phone out and not getting caught, I heard the four words which killed it all.
“CALL YOUR DAD FIRST”
Maybe they had already discussed about calling him, I didn’t know then, I don’t still know now, but she did and just before her dads phone rang, I heard someone…him… say ‘JESUS CHRIST’ not too far from me.
Her dad’s phone rang in the wardrobe. I was confused, I thought it was mine, I struggled to get mine out again and mistakenly played the porn clip I had downloaded to explain to my girl what a transgendered woman looked like…I swear, it was just to explain to her…we sometimes argue about irrelevant things like that…and the clip was very loud, very-very loud…lots of Oohs and Aahs and the oohyes and the likes.
Hmmm! Their mum opened the wardrobe and I came out…so did her naked husband, with his phone still ringing in the hands he was managing to use to cover himself.
…and my young friend was like ‘Yay! Uncle, I have seen you. It is my turn to hide’
This is exactly what one should describe as an awkward moment and not those Facebook statuses definitions of awkward moments…and to top it off, just as if we had rehearsed and planed it, her dad and I went on to say:
‘Oh My God…I can explain…It is not what you think’
We said it repeatedly.