The Critical Point (Part 1)

The Critical Point (Part 1)

In my deepest grief, I mourn the demise of my precious one. Looking out through the window of my room, staring at the raindrops falling gently, I feel a deep loneliness, so deep that I feel empty. The bore that was drilled into my heart at Miriam’s loss was deep, is there anything that can fill it up and make my life whole again? I doubt it. Yet, beyond the emptiness her death has left behind, lies a new passion. Beneath my deep misery is a new sense, a new awakening that has opened up my eyes to another misfortune which, though, is the root of my calamity, supersedes my own grief in its catastrophic proportions.

The debacle of my nation state is a great tragedy that has spurned in me, a determination to work passionately for the liberation of my Nation. Sadly, the true paradox is that my motherland is not yet a Nation; it is still struggling to be one. I have realized that, if the root problem is not solved, then more kinds of my tragedy will occur. In my deepest torment, I tried to gather the pieces of the story together. I remember with nostalgia, the good times I had with Miriam and how it all ended in tragedy. Yet, no matter how much I could figure out, everything still remains a puzzle.

I met Miriam in the second semester of my first year in the university. She used to sit at the front in the class, behind the window, just opposite my left, back seat. I used to be a womanizer and my eyes usually wandered around the class from time to time to scan the faces of pretty girls in the class. I had gone out with many of the girls and earned a reputation as a Casanova. Of course, the girls fell at my feet like ninepins; I was the Don Juan of the class. By second semester, they were beginning to bore me, and I was going to other departments to have a taste of something new. However, this beautiful, veil-wearing, mysterious Muslim girl had always elicited a strange curiosity in me. One day in a psychology class, my eyes darted towards her in the extreme front right. Suddenly, we made eye contact. She flushed briefly, then looked forward to concentrate on the lecture. I thought I saw her blush but I wasn’t sure. That was when I realized that she was very beautiful. After the lecture, I tried to speak to her but she avoided me. After a series of other attempts, I decided to forget about her.

One day, Chidi, my best friend and roommate received a bad news, his father had just been retrenched in the civil service, and he sent to him that he had no means of paying the school fees of his five siblings. I met Chidi under the oak tree in front of the college; he was full of hatred for the Government.

“Akin, look what these bastards have done to my father. After twenty years of selfless service and five months without pay, they threw him away like a dirty rag!”

He waved the paper in the air, his eyes glowing with anger. I tried in my best way to console him to no avail. I am lucky enough to have come from a family that was rich enough to provide for all my needs, so I never knew what it meant to be living from hand to mouth. Of course, I couldn’t understand Chidi’s predicament, I couldn’t comfort him though I tried.

“Let’s just hope they will call him back. Or, they will pay up his entitlements.”

Chidi looked at me in the eye, his eyes were red. Slowly, he shook his head.

“No Akin. This country is doomed, nothing works anymore. There is no more truth, and the day truth dies in a nation, the people’s trust also dies and eventually, the nation dies for want of truth.” he said softly, but firmly. Then, he stood up and walked away.

To be continued



12 thoughts on “The Critical Point (Part 1)” by petersunday (@petersunday)

  1. I see the plot is just building up. I see more than two parts here, maybe 3 or 4.

    I had a little problem with your tense, especially in the first paragraph: it wasn’t consistent with the past tense you’re telling the story from.

    Overall, it was good. Well done.

    *KG*

  2. I like the story line.
    Well done.

  3. It’s a serial, so arms folded, waiting for something to happen…

  4. @Kodeya, overall it was what? Hian.

    Check this out:
    ”In my DEEPEST grief, I mourn the demise of my precious one. Looking out through the window of my room, staring at the raindrops falling gently, I feel a deep loneliness, so DEEP that I feel empty. The bore that was drilled into my heart at Miriam’s loss was DEEP, is there anything that can fill it up and make my life whole again? I doubt it. Yet, beyond the emptiness her death has left behind, lies a new passion. Beneath my DEEP misery is a new sense,”

    Hmm, are you a DEEPER life member? Werrin be deep, deep, deep? Whatever happened to intense, great et al? You didn’t try.

    You mentioned she was wearin a veil then the MC said she flushed! How could he tell when he couldn’t c her face?

    Plus you were jumbling too many storylines together. It is kinda distracting and uncool. Stick to something and use the other in a way that connects them both and not as separate storylines in one breath.

    Hope d next part s better.

    1. Good points. These mistakes take careful observation to spot. You have called my attentions to them and they will be corrected in the main manuscript. I also have to be more careful with the rest of the story to avoid errors. Thanks.

  5. @Hymar

    It was GOOD. Every writer needs an encouragement, and any attempt to write at all should be praised…. So it was Good. Your corrections are on point.

    *you know say me I no get eagle eye, and na chemistry I dey study, not literature.*

  6. I think it is praising them when you should be pointing out their stumbling points that damn most writers to an arrested development sort of.
    And lol, no be only literature o. I study History too. @Kodeya

    1. @Hymar

      Am not against pointing out errors in any way. I just don’t want writers get frustrated about their works. We need to critique carefully and wisely.

      And History….like seriously….

  7. Thanks all for your comments so far. Please keep the comments rolling in and feel free to point out observed errors. the rest of the story will come out better.

  8. @Hymar

    I’m not against pointing out errors in any way. I just don’t want writers get frustrated about their works. We need to critique carefully and wisely.

    And History….like seriously….

  9. @Kodeya,

    ‘We need to critique carefully and wisely.’

    Define that in the light of my critique on this story. *waiting*

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