corper, youth, corps

Saving the World

We had come to save the indigenes, my two friends and I, as part of our NYSC program; Demi and I were doctors, Ebuka a microbiologist.

We were to use this experience to start our own NGO and change the world. On our arrival, the locals were warm and took to us easily and we cared for them as best as we could.

And when you bring back to life dying people whose helpless families were too poor or ignorant to save them, you are adored like a diety, hubris sets in, you realize you are always in the right!

We were treating a young boy who had a large leg wound that had gotten so badly infected  it had become internally septic,  and his family, not seeing immediate improvement, had consulted the village  Shaman separately: When the boy died shortly after, we heard of the native doctor’s involvement.

Ebuka and I were sad but Demi was incensed.

Accusing the shaman of killing the boy, He’d stormed off alone to the Shaman’s house to confront him.

Demi told me later that he was only shouting at the man, but his son had interferred, attacked him physically. He said he was defending himself when he struck back, but the son, the shaman’s only son, had fallen down dead, hit too hard on the head – broken skull.

Demi said he  panicked and  ran, but the shaman had tried to head him off with a dane gun, but that he was stronger – adrenaline aided, he pointed out – and had gotten the gun from the Man and shot him instead.

He ran to where we were staying to tell us but I was the only one at home. By the time he finished telling his story, we heard a commotion coming in our direction, we suspected the worst – they were coming for us.

We could not wait to find out, we just ran without knowing where Ebuka was, stole a boat from the jetty and fled to the mainland.

We never saw Ebuka again.



33 thoughts on “Saving the World” by O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

  1. Oh….so you ended up saving yourself! What an irony.

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @Nalongo…wow…Did I? well…na so we see am…Thanks for reading

  2. This has the potential to be a very good story. But you told it like a gist, hence its lack of substance. Please rewrite it, and this time fatten it up. Also, you might want to change ‘shaman’ to ‘medicine man’ or ‘native doctor’; those sound more Nigerian.

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @Shadiat…Seems you have a hand on the general pulse of opinions to the story. Thanks for your perception, thanks for reading and thanks for the advice.

  3. …Poor Ebuka they must have finished him off…..
    nice, beautifully short!
    well done Omoniyi

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @Omoniyi, Thanks, Namesake. God knows what happened to Ebuka. Endless possibilities. Thanks for reading

  4. Intriguing, wish it had more width and length

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @ayomitans, If wishes were horses. And I appreciate you thinking its an intriguing story

  5. Good flash but can be better.

    He took the gun from a man brewing with pain and veangance?-adrelanine aided? For me, this sound too forced and with no substance..

    That’s where I had issue. It can be better

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @shomyk…Thanks for considering it as decent. I envisioned that scene as Demi confronting the Old man, the man’s son standing up to Demi, they have a scuffle, the son hits the floor, dead. Demi confirms no pulse, the man senses the death, gets his dane gun. Now, Demi realizes he cannot hope to outrun a man who has likely been shooting that gun since god-knows-when, so he tries to just get the gun away before fleeing, but the old man, driven by rage, will not have that, they struggle for it and eventually Demi’s youthful strength prevails, just shoots the old man (not neccesarily fatally) and then runs like mad.

      Thanks anyways

  6. Nice piece….. Keep it up!

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @Fadehan, Thank you very much. I can always rely on your kind words.

  7. Short and straight forward. I concurr with the comment about the adrenaline.

    No matter how pumped up you seems to be on adrenaline, the fury and anger of losing an only son to a bloody non-indigene will surely overpower the adrenaline. Good piece oveall.

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      True, @newnaija, but consider that this man is an old man, not quite as strong and vigorous as a young man in his prime fighting for his life. Just consider that

      1. Okay boss. I have written flash story too like that, but when it was subjected to critical critique I noticed somethings I overlooked or rather the picture in my mind that words didn’t capture to explain the lacuna.

  8. This story need work.P.O.V, plot and theme and setting. Description using the five senses or at least three.

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @khadijahmuhammad. Although I do not really understand what you mean exactly, I get the general flow of your comment. And I appreciate the input. Thanks for reading

  9. They have said it all. This story has a nice plot, and it would have been better if you SHOWED the story rather than TELLING us. That would stretch the story and make it shine.

    Good Job by the way. Thumbs up

    *KG*

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @kodeya, thank you for the thumbs up. I’m grateful for that. and the advice too.

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @blackgold, Thanks, sis.

  10. where is Ebuka?
    nice but short.

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @itsabum, lol. We should send out a search party to find Ebuka. You are invited to volunteer for am o.
      Thanks for reading.

  11. Oh my goodness! Don’t tell me Ebuka took the fall for Demi’s folly. Sad.

    Well, this was short. I wished you had used another term instead of ‘Shaman.’ It just seems out of place in the story.

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @sharonwrites, oh, I’m so glad you felt the story. Yeah, it’s rather sad and unfair, but that is life.

      I knowingly used the word shaman, because it is a very dated word for “herbalist/native doctor” in order to put the idea of the chararcter as being very old in age, a fact which I was rather loathe to directly point out in the narrative itself.

      Thank you for reading, enjoying and commenting.

  12. You need to be more vivid in your descriptions. More realistic.

    You can’t disarm an armed man unless you are Jackie Chan. This ain’t no movie and he is a doc not a trained fighter.

    The best would be he ran, zigzagging to escape the shot.

    And in a bid too keep it short and sharp, you left out vital details that would aid clarity. I second @Shadiat

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @Hymar,

      True that, but consider that he was literally fighting for his life, with a man much, much older and less stronger. He did try to run but he understood that this man had a gun he was probably very good with and that he couldn’t far fast enough not to be hit, so it was either run and die or stay and fight. Then also consider that this is a dane gun, dane guns are not really made for fine aiming but whatever they hit, Oh boy, they really do hit it because they are simply brutal, so running zigzag was just a matter of the Shaman aiming it in the general direction of the running figure and blowing a whole in him so wide that you’d probably be able to put your fist through it.

      Running would have been an hopelessly “hail mary” move that had a slim chance of getting him to safety.

      On a lighter note, no be only Jackie Chan fit disarm person jor – Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis and of course, Steven Seagal sef fit do am nah….

      1. Lols. Funny one. Of cos, stallone, Li, schwarzenegger and our very own Cobra Joe can do that.

        Yo explanation made sense. But try to write/describe it more convincingly, dude.

  13. This is good but has potential to be a better short story. Give your characters life and show us extra things we need to know. The lines of this seem ‘sterilized’ – stripped to the bare facts.
    More often than not, we let others take the fall for us. Sad.
    All in all, well done, Niyi. Keep writing.

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @sibbylwhyte. Thanks for the advice and encouragement. Thanks

  14. Interesting plot.

    1. O-Money (@Omoniyi-Adeshola)

      @bunmiril, thanks. I appreciate you reading this

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