Rat Palava (part 3)

Writers note: Please read the part 1 and 2 to follow the story.

Food na for belle and belle na for food. If you no believe me go ask Mr. Paul wey fast for only one day,one day o, naim he begin hear e name. He begin tell people say dem dey call am. Who dey call am ,we no know. Na when he finish one plate of correct rice wey dem use salad and dodo take decorate, naim he no hear him name again.

As I eat mama Sikira Amala finish, naim my own eyes clear well-well. Although nobody dey call my name like Mr. Paul so make una no laugh. So I pick my phone to take call this rat before I reach my house. I no kuku know wetin dem don do again. But I go Iet dem know who be the real owner of the house, but I go dey careful sha make I no enter their trap. Rat wey eat your certificate, your certificate wey you spend years with strike take collect, fit do anything. As una use una eyes take see and una go still see.

Before I think finish naim my phone ring.

“Hello”

Mr. Oghene, my secretary tell me say you call me, you no dey fear? So you get liver to call me and you expect me to pick your yeye call? You no dey fear?

-Hello, Mr. Rat, fear what? Are you God? You are not even a human and I should be afraid of you?

Now listen to me, I will give you two options and you must choose one. It is either I kill you and your stupid gang with rat poison or I come into my house with rodent fumigator and fume all of you out of the whole of Sekina. Choose one and call me back!

Na so I use the style of the bus man answer am come drop the phone! Before I get the chance to laugh,naim the phone
ring again.

Him voice be like tataafo own for phone.

“Mr Oghene I know say you be warri boy, me sef I be warri rat. How you think say I take be the Co-ordinator of things for this area? We nor dey come last, you sef know that one. And incase you dey wonder how I take reach here, na inside that your mumu bag wey you call suitcase naim I dey for Warri before you separate me from my papa and mama.As I come reach Lagos naim I see all this Lagos rat wey just big for nothing dey do like Osuo. E nor reach ten days before I become oga for here.As a street rat wey don survive crude oil wahala for our hole for Warri,Lagos na small thing as even you can see.

I confuse.

-Ha?

Why you dey shout? You never hear anything you dey shout. So na me you dey use rat poison to threaten, a whole me. No be today we don dey eat rat poison na,dem no tell you? E don tey. Make I tell you wetin you no know, I go cool down eat your food, still cool down eat your rat poison and nothing go happen. Your head no correct!
And for that fumigator, bring am come, we go help you do am. Na there you go know say Boko Haram wahala for North na small thing. We no need to do national conference before we take action. Before you go fumigate your house, we go don use our shit take design Nigeria map for your wardrobe. Come use our mess take fumigate your room for you.

-Ye!

-Ye ke, you no know say rat dey mess? Mr Oghenekaro, this is fire for fire! You better come back to this house with food for the boys unless we go kidnap your house.
-Kidnap my house?

You never hear am before? Okay If you never hear am, na we wan start am. Nonsense!

Na so phone drop.

My people na shout I fit dey shout, as e dey talk because I tire. If Warri rat tell you say he go eat your poison and nothing go happen to am, help you fumigate your house come kidnap your house, you better believe am. But my people make una advise me. If you dey my shoes, wetin you go do?



34 thoughts on “Rat Palava (part 3)” by sambright (@sambrightomo)

    1. @Nalongo tear race ke?Because of rat wey threaten u? The threat is a replica of what the ‘dreaded’ Boko Haram keep reeling on a daily basis to our government.Are we all going to run from our country,our own country because of their constant threat? There must be a solution.Please help me think through for a solution.

  1. Lol. Absurd n funny.

    Not bad.

    1. Yes it is absurd my brother @Hymar but you never proffer your solution.

  2. Solution ke? Better humble yoself n plead for mercy . That rach no dey there dey play o.

    1. Hahahahahahaha…ehn but solution dey nah.

  3. Na only u dey live for your compound? or u no get relatives? mobilize all the people u know and carry gun go shoot the rat and it’s gang. Well done.

    1. Exactly wetin i dey think to do my dear. I go try your approach. We go import bombs take bomb dem troway!!! Thank you for your solution jare.

  4. Hahahaha.

    Pack commot for the house. Or use gun shoot them one by one.Abi bullet no dey penetrate their body?
    Lol.Nice one Sam.

    1. Thank you @Mimiadebayo, but rat wey tell you say e go collect fumigating machine from your hand and help you fumigate your house? Come still eat your poison without recourse? ahan @Mimiadebayo that is suicide mission! This rat dem dey wear bullet proof nowadays oooo.Anyway thank you for the solution.I go try am too and give you feed back.

  5. LOL! This rat must get jazz.

    Tory don finish?

    It can end here oh…until u say so.

    The rat phone convo was so damn funny.

    I would have thought that the adoption of pidgin narration would make you get away with construction errors but you even managed to arrange it in a clear and understandable manner…the only thing to look for are typos and punctuations.

    You wrote the pidgin nicely, however, be careful with your word choice – pidgin english has certain choice of words for certain expressions. For example, rather than say ‘eat’ you’d have said ‘chop’.

    Still, it was a fun read.

    1. My Oga on top of the whole wide world of naijastories, @Afronuts, thank you for that very insightful thought.I will surely put it into full consideration.Thank you so much, i will be looking at improving.Blessings sir.

  6. Distinguished (@DistinguishedAnoke)

    Lolzzz!!! Will suggest a solution when am done laffing.
    Chai! Ds rat ambassador sabi negotiate oo

    1. Hahahaaa, @DistinguishedAnoke try offer your own solution quick-quick.

  7. Rats? You no sabi otapiapia? Kill and dry? Poison pass poison

    1. Eureka, rat pass rat,poison pass poison.Otapiapia is the key!!!Thank you my brother @clemency. Blessings.

      1. You’re welcome, kill and dry that rat cabal.

  8. E bi like say you go find wife for this rat o..make him fpr free you loool..
    Nice one…

    P.s osuo supppse be ozuor

    1. I thought as much about that Ozuor spelling, thanks. But to find wife for rat,no be me go do that one at all.Me i dey find way of total annihilation, no be total reproduction!!! This your solution no go work o.@schatzilein

      1. The rat go focus on the new wife and free you naw lool….or go buy catapult begin shot them

        1. Hahahaha that one na suicide mission o.Dem go born tens of their kind be dat nah.The whole sekina go become war zone!LOL

  9. I have read lots of stories but this one had me laughing from the start. That rat na real villain, you need to find yourself a negotiator o!

    Give him food now, just hide Indoceed in it. (hope that’s the right spelling.)

    1. I go call Samuel Jackson that American actor to come help me negotiate abi.I wonder how d man pidgin go be.LOL The rat will be like- Who you be? Samuel will be like :I am the chief negotiator. Rat: If I slap you!…LOL Thanks for reading my dear.

  10. Go to Native doctor, do odeshi and come back with all the rat killing ammunition you can get.

    1. native doctor abi?

  11. Wetin we go do dis rat now. Otapiapia suppose get am now. U fit still try rat gum but the rat fit do jump and pass.
    Packing out no be option o as rat follow u from warri reach lagos e go follow u go anywhere.
    Chei.!
    Arsenic suppose work now if otapiapia no work.

    1. Abi? things must happen be that.

  12. now m so ready to comment….this is good and so hilarious..well done

    1. thank you @omoniyi God bless you for dropping your comment

  13. Distinguished (@DistinguishedAnoke)

    K, I don laff finish #clears throat#
    I suggest you report dis rat to the SWAT team. Na dem fit help you for dis mata o

    1. Hahahahahaahahahahahaaa, I will.

  14. @sambrightomo, I believe you……………..this one korect!

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