“ Due to your outstanding performance in the just concluded tests, you are invited for an interview on the 23rd of July at the Police College, Ikeja, by 9am.”
Na so the text talk am. Chai! See wetin condition don do me. Now na Askari I wan go join because no job. I come dey think how my pallies go dey look me, if I become askari. Normal, dem go still dey abuse them, and dem go abuse me join. Wetin I go do if I see any of my former chicks? Especially, those wey I don do chop and clean mouth? Me wey dey form Van-Damme for skol, wey sabi all the theories from Marx to Russell, Comte to Einstein. If I mess, na maths formula go dey smell. If I piss, na reference dates go comot, now na Askari I wan enter? No lele, no food for lazy man, man gatz hustle.
So that day come reach, I come wear the skol uniform for the interview. You know na, the skol uniform wey jobless people dey wear. Shirt wey don fade for collar, tuck am inside black trouser wey don dey turn brown on-top shoe wey don chop go angle 90. As usual I wear tie wey big like spade come nack am with ‘co-su-ble’. Yes, ‘co-su-ble’, combination of coat, suit and blazers. Plus my brown envelope. I reach Police College Ikeja before eight, with 2,000 other people wey sabi one askari person. I come dey wonder if everybody sabi person, if police go give all of us work. we come dey wait under sun make dem call us enter by group of 10 into one office wey the man wey go interview us sidon. As e reach my turn, me and 9 other people come enter the office.
For the office, dem line chairs for wall wey dey face the askari man. Photo of Askari I.G and Baba Jona hang for wall. And true true, we need fresh air cos the KDK standing fan wey dey the office dey contribute to the heat instead of to cool am. The Askari come share one paper with questions give us, come comot enter one inner office for him side. After 20 mins, the Askari come back. As efiko wey I be, I finish sharply come dey wait. I just dey watch the man, as him begin dey scatter drawer, raise file, open locker dey find something. Next thing the man come announce verdict like pilot wey dey shout ‘mayday! Mayday!’ If him plane wan crash.
“Who thief my phone!!”
Yeepa!. Who go wan thief Askari phone for inside Police college for dat matta wey all the whole Police dey? Everyone keep quiet.
The man shout am again as if we be deaf and dumb. As nobody gree talk, him go call 2 other askari for outside,come lock door. Him come dial the number with one of the askari phone. Na so the phone come dey ring for person socks. One of the askari wey enter just rush the guy give am two beta slaps. E get one thing wey police and agbero get in common apart from the money wey dem dey collect for road. Na slapping skill. E be like anybody wey wan join police or agbero must to sabi how to give better slap. Those kain slap wey him be say if dem load you, you go hear that noise wey television dey make when NTA channel 2 never open by 4 o’clock
Anyway, as dem dey mend the guy na so the oga come say stop. Say why dem dey beat am.
“Na this kain people we dey find for police”
“Oga, haba, person wey dey steal?”
“Yes, na. For this guy to enter here come steal my phone for my office wey I know even decode mean say him go be better police officer, mean say him go perform well.”
Everybody just dey look the man like mumu. Which kain thing be dis na? Abi na thief una don dey recruit? You for tell me on time make I no come dis yeye interview na. Na so the man come drop the bomb
“Becos if you wan catch thief, you must think like a thief. Constable collect the man details. Dis one don pass