Announcements at the End of Service

 

We thank the good LORD for the gift of today’s service. It was supernatural; it was explosive; it was spirit-filled.. oh I’m lost for words but I can attest to the fact that I have been blessed. So… ask your neighbor sitting beside you this question ‘were you blessed?’ Don’t leave him or her until he /she gives you a reply. Yes yes, we thank God once again.

Now I will reel out the information the church has for the congregation. They are as follows:

  1. The ushers in the ushering department have lodged a formal complaint that many members of the congregation refuse the seats that the ushers offer them, preferring to usher themselves to places they desire. Haa! In the house of God! Please this attitude must stop immediately. We do not care  whether you a governor, a commissioner or a rich business man; when we all gather in the church, everyone is equal in the sight of God. So humble yourself and obey whatever the ushers tell you to do. You do not know whether you only blessing will come from such obedience .And remember also that pride comes before a fall and it could even happen in service, especially for those of our sisters that wear those shoes with heels that look like ladders. What if you refuse and begin to walk away from the usher to where you stubbornly want to seat and then the heels give way and you fall yakata for ground? Is that not a thing of shame? Please be warned!

 

  1. The ushers again are complaining. This time it has to do with the offering money they count after the service. Haba! Those five, ten and twenty naira notes are very bad and people give them to God? Well for your information, my God is a very, very rich and He does not need these dirty monies. For He owns the cattles upon a thousand hills. Please change this attitude. Do not offer the change you receive from bus conductors or kiosk sellers as offering. Give a worthy offering and see how our God will surprise you.

 

  1. Ehen, on a better note,  we are happy to inform you that from next service, the church will make available a POS machine; that thing you will use your ATM card to sweep and you have paid for something. Just like that abi? Yes oh, just like that, our church is now a tush, 21st century church. So now you can pay your tithes and offerings directly into the church account, even during the week.The church account number is on the notice board! Somebody praise the LORD! Halleluyah. Also a member of the church who is a big banker will help us to install ATM machine just outside the church compound, so that before you enter the church, you can make your withdrawal there and receive clean naira notes. God is good, all the time!

 

  1. Marriage! Marriage! Marriage! We are pleased to announce that Sis Tabi is going to wed Bro. Tahash! Yes oh, T is wedding T. We thank God for their lives. Yes where are they? Yes Sis Tabi, stand up over there, so that the church can see you…..yes a very beautiful sister in the Lord! Where is your husband to be ke? Oh I can see him now.Bro Tahash, please stand for recognition; he is a faithful servant in the house of God. I will say this oh and Bro don’t be ashamed for it is a testimony. This Bro that you are looking at used to sleep right here in the church, yes oh, right here. He did not have a job, no money, two shirts, one trouser. But he remained faithful, serving God in the children’s department. Now he works with Shell, drives that big car outside….. let me stop here but he is a living testimony and he will marry a beautiful woman. God is good oh. Yes, so two Saturdays from now come and rejoice with them in the church and don’t come to chop and clean mouth and go oh! Please bring gifts for them and the good LORD shall do your own for you. Amen!

 

  1. The evil spirit of slumber will not rule over you! Amen. I say this because attendance at our night vigil service is decreasing oh! Why do people love to sleep like this? The sleep they have been sleeping since they were born. Na wa oh! I just pray that the Lord will open your eyes to see the spiritual battles and enemies that we fight. That time you will do vigil every night. So it is well. Do attend our vigil service and leave your bed and pillow for just one night out of the week and God will hear all your prayers as you do so!

 

  1. Finally, this is coming straight from the Pastor’s desk and it concerns our young ladies in our midst. We know that you are beautiful and everything but the way you dress to church is causing problems for the pastor. All those your spaghetti tops ; imagine calling blouse spaghetti, those your low waist trouser, micro mini  skirts etc etc can be used of the devil oh! Be warned. Change today and dress moderately. Nevertheless, Pastor has directed the ushers not to allow you ladies that will still dress in this manner to seat at that the front pews again! Yes oh, because we are instructed to flee from every kind of temptation and Pastor is still flesh and blood oh! So you will not seat in front again until you learn to dress well. A word is enough for the wise. That brings us to the end of the announcements.

 

“The LORD be with you”

 

The congregation replies “And also with you!”



9 thoughts on “Announcements at the End of Service” by Writeman (@writeman)

  1. I found this quite funny but more importantly I got the message loud and clear. The unruly behavior in churches these days is alarming.
    The dressing in particular is a huge concern in churches today.

    Thanks for this piece, Writeman.
    Spotted a few typos.

    Kudos and keep writing.

    1. Hola @ Mimiadebayo,

      Thank you for your thoughts.More power to your elbows.Cheers

  2. I can just picture the middle aged pot bellied assistant pastor with slightly oversized suit and a tribal mark on each cheek. Hehehehe.

    ‘ushers in the ushering department ‘ repetition. Unless of course it was intentional to fit the persona of our assistant pastor.

    Some other poor sentence structure but I’m thinking it might be deliberate, to paint a picture of the announcer.

    I can’t shake that feeling that this was hurriedly written and posted. It could b better written with more humour infused into it.

    And that part about the congregation replying is not necessary. It was meant to be a one sided conversation and all through the story, no responses from the congregation could be seen..

    Nice message

    Well done

    1. @ Topazo,

      Thanks for stopping by. Yes, with the sentence structures, it wwas intentional to fit in with the profile of our assistant pastor(LOL).

      About the piece being better, well i ‘ll give it another shot and see where it goes. your last contribution is noted. Thank you

  3. The message came through. Ditto Topazo’s input.
    I read, imagined and smiled.
    Well done, writeman. $ß.

    1. @ Bubbllinna,

      Ever your bubbly self, thank you for your kind comments.More power to your elbows. Cheers.

  4. Bringing a POS to church lobatan! Funny piece. I bet the ushers will have to chase the ladies in skimpy dresses next sunday.
    Praise the Lord!

    1. @ aadetoyin,

      Thank you for reading and finding the piece funny.All the best. Cheers.

  5. @writeman,

    Your piece captures very well the issues that many pastors have to deal with (perhaps except for the POS equipment part).

    But the story didn’t really feel that funny. Maybe it’s because many of the things in the pastor’s announcements are the kinds of things you would hear in the announcement at the end of any ordinary service.

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