The Kill

He sighted the podium for the umpteenth time with the starlight scope attached to his rifle. He had been waiting for hours, doing the same thing, sighting: As the decorators completed their work. In an hour, his target would walk onto that platform and he would dispatch his gift.

Ade calmed his already frayed nerves as he raised his head away from the rifle: done right, this job would earn his freedom from the mob. He had worked as a hitman for more than a decade, rising through the ranks until he became the assassin that didn’t miss. At first it was an honour, now, he wanted to be rid of the demons that followed him everywhere.

He took a long swig from his canteen and wiped his lips with the back of his hand. This job, this job, done right would send ripples that would resonate for weeks, maybe months. He paced the floor of the room to clear his head of the encroaching demons, today is the day he thought. It all ends today.

He checked his wristwatch and smiled. Twenty more minutes, he had been pacing the room and doing drills to kill time. He dusted himself and stretched, his joints cackled, muscles became taut, he walked to the rifle and laid down beside it; he was ready.

The event started and people gathered. Soon, the target would arrive and make his way. A sweat broke down his face, he wiped it off immediately. He couldn’t afford any mistakes or distractions. He started hyperventilating as his eyes narrowed into deadly slits.

He watched as the target climbed the podium smiling and waving his hands at the crowd. Ade followed every movement with his rifle letting off imaginary shots ‘pow, pow, pow’ he followed the man until the man stopped at the centre of the podium and appealed for some quiet.

Ade’s movement were automatic, he calibrated the scope and locked in on his target. He became one with his rifle as he studied the man’s every move, nuance and gesture through his magnified scope. Soon, he could anticipate every gesture, determine every move.

His heartbeat was resonating with that of the man, and everything had become a sea of waves, and he had locked on to the man’s wavelength. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a fraction of a second and pulled the trigger.

Like in movies, everything froze for a split second, nothing moved. Then slowly, the flash from the gun’s nozzle suppressed by the powerful suppressor attached jerked everything back into order.

Ade counted to three as he watched through his scope the delivery of his gift to the man. It would be the final one the man ever received.

He watched as the man’s head erupted into a sea of red and his body jerked, falling backwards lifeless. The man’s body did not twitch as it hit the floor. A pool of red spreading from his head onto the thickly carpeted podium.

The crowd scattered as security personnel brandished their guns, ready to shoot at any strange sight. They were like sheep without a shepherd. Clueless.

Ade satisfied, scanned the entire area before dismantling his gear. He had packed his gun into his bag and was about moving out of the room when he had a nagging feeling tugging at him. He removed his scope from the bag and scanned the area one last time. He had wasted enough time already he thought.

He was about walking away when he noticed a disturbing sight. He held up the scope again and focused on a soldier who stood guarding four kids, he froze. Slowly, he scanned the children’s faces, the last one on his knees was his son.

19 thoughts on “The Kill” by Daireen (@daireenonline)

  1. And he has subjected his son to unending nightmares to rid himself of his own. Give a reason for the children to be there, that is they were the garland kids cos kids don’t just stand around.
    Solid descriptions, I like.
    Well done, Daireen. $ß.

  2. Daireen (@daireenonline)

    @sibbylwhyte thanks for stopping.

    Was supposed to write an assassin’s tale, buh I’m being too lazy I guess.

  3. one word – Nice.
    Did good with this. kudos.

  4. Hmm, lemme play Simon Cowell.

    As much as you painstakingly tried to deliver perfect phrases and paragraphs, you somehow failed to arrange them in a way that makes for a more dramatic and suspense filled read.

    His son was there, ok, he s in d mob but so wha? Even mobsters don’t let their kids into their life of crime and grime, unless what the ending implies s the mob took him from his mother. And that would suck cos an assassin of Ade’s pedigree would know well enough to prepare gas masks in advance for when the Shit hits the fan.

    Understand my Greek, buddy?

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @hymar he prepared well, that was why he aced the man. Unfortunately, a snitch had ratted him and some others out…

      It’s a cool action movie that I’m seeing in my head, just too lazy with the documentation. :d

      Thainx for stopping.

  5. ….in as much as this is good….I still have this uncomfortable feeling with the ending…it jes diluted the perfectly built story….

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @omoniyi awww, sorry you see it that way. The ending was supposed to add a twist.

      Thanks for pointing out, would reread till it’s cool

  6. Nice one….I love d narrative flow and vivid descriptions.
    ….the ending though….I kinda expected sumtin mor dramatic. Well done
    P.S: Is there a part 2?

    1. @lordkel thanks for stopping.

      I wrote this as a one off story though on completion, it felt like an intro with loads of possibilities. Pips have also asked that I complete the tori. Thing is, I’m unwilling to start a series. Still thinking on it, we’ll see.

  7. you write in my genre. I like that. I like you for that.

    You have potential, That’s all I can pick out from this post.

    and you talked about being lazy. Oh brother, writing thrillers never come easy. you’ve got to work your socks off.

    enough righteous attitude from me.

    we are all Learning.

    best wishes brother

    1. @maisolomonic thanks for stopping and the kind words. I always write the crime fiction genre, buh sometimes, I digress. Allow the creativity flow…

      Let’s see how the sequels go. If they do come…

  8. I read as fast as I could to get to the end… then I read the last sentence over and over because I didnt understand why his son was there… anyway, you held me spellbound-thumbs up!

  9. Daireen (@daireenonline)

    @amy, the child was kidnapped. Not that the father planned for him to be there…

    Thanks for stopping.

  10. @daireenonline, this story is interesting. A twist isn’t a bad idea too. But then, there should be coherence and cohesion in a story, and that is what is lacking with the last paragraph. We don’t have to know the aftermath of the presence of the man’s son, but even if we have to guess, we should be able to guess something, right or wrong. As it is, I can guess nothing. What is the gist? What’s a soldier doing guarding four children? Why is one of them on his knees? Why would children be in that place?

    Apart from that, take another look at your second sentence. What were you trying to say? There is also the part where you mentioned that his heartbeat resonated with that of the man. Really? I know that you can write from the “eye of God” point of view. But then… There are also some fragmented sentence like “A pool of red spreading from his head onto the thickly carpeted podium”. Which part of the sentence is the subject and which is the predicate? Where is the predicator? There are others that I noticed, but I can’t list them all. Just review this story. You know say I go tell you truth. I have read better stuff from you. The storyline is tight, but your delivery is not on point this time.

  11. Daireen (@daireenonline)

    @febidel thank you for this detailed critique. I have missed this…

    Now I have to go and look at that story again, rewrite and continue it.

    The kids were kidnapped and held as collateral to bargain for the life of the slain man. So I guess I’ve got to continue.

    Thanks for stopping.

  12. Nice work man.

  13. If you have to explain the story this much then you didn’t really communicate much in the narrative. Those details you are adding should be part of your plot and I’m wondering why they weren’t included.

    The writing was fluid but you went overboard with some descriptive terms like @febidel have pointed out…All those things about waves and heartbeats…doesn’t ring true…

    You rushed this one, it is obvious…take time to go through the original idea and write a better plot…stop being lazy! lol

    Well done jor..

    1. @topazo all of una sha dey prompt me to write… okay oo, amma write it. I’ll have to restart I guess.

      As for @febidel, didn’t know how much I missed her until that comment. She took me to the cleaners, now I’m sufficiently clean. Time to hit the streets and form big boy :d. Seriously though, I guess work must be done. Thanks for the tips.

Leave a Reply