The Need to Faint

The Need to Faint

I need to faint. The movies make it look so easy. Someone hears a bad news and the next thing you knew, they were on the floor. But here I am, trying to faint, yet, only succeeding at staying conscious. I have only fifteen minutes till the deadline, fifteen minutes till the grating, shrill sound of the intercom rings. I hate the intercom.

I really need to faint. I wonder why I ever believed pressure was enough to cause a loss of consciousness. Ah, yes. The movies. And why would I believe something I watched on the glowing screen. They had also made love seem like something magical, something that just hit you out of nowhere, something your heart just felt. You did not even have to go looking for it. The universe brought it to you. Pow. That analogy almost got me into trouble. Foolish me, spent a long time waiting, pining for it. Ignoring every man that came my way, because they did not make my heart sing, or stir.

One day, the real universe had struck me with common sense and I decided to try to like, not love, one of my numerous suitors. I chose him because we enjoyed a lot of the same things. We hung out a lot, called each other and soon my heart began to sing, then soar and then, I knew I was in love. Finally, it sunk in, that love was a choice. A conscious commitment. Not just some “listen to your heart thing.” Even your heart needed your head to keep it going, sometimes. I smile as Tunde’s face comes to mind. I should call him. Wait! What am I doing? Thinking, thinking about Tunde, with a deadline snapping its jaw, growling, at me.

I peek, then glance, fully, at the laptop’s clock, etched at the right part of the blue band that runs across the bottom part of the screen. My heart shrinks, dies a little. Yet, still continues beating, still pumps life through my veins. Seven minutes more, the document stares back at me. Half complete, or incomplete. I prepare to be drenched in my boss’s spittle and fury.

How did I get here? I am a scientist, not some business analyst for crying out loud. This excites me in no way, it wounds me, kills me. Argh. Perhaps I would faint now. No, still conscious. I curse the country that forced me to do what I was averse to. Here, you either had to go with the business world, or suffer. Science was something only developed countries could afford. A luxury. I mean, what was the sense in carrying out a money gulping research, that could turn out unsuccessful at the end of the day, right? Wrong. Stupid. And that’s why we had to depend on developed countries to find a cure for our own diseases.

I look at the time again. Three minutes more. Time, that traitor, it runs when you need it to crawl; crawls when you need it to fly. Last week, I had had to wait an hour to get my pizza at the pizzeria. Sure, the watch had said ten minutes, but it was really an hour.

My eyes fall on the clock, again and I hold myself back from screaming. The intercom rings, and everywhere turns dark.

I wake up to white sheets, white curtains and green overalls. A machine beeps, and I look around, pensive. I relax when it all sinks in, smile, and lean back into the bed. The movies were right, for once. Ah!
__________
Nb: still not certain that work related stress can cause a person a loss of consciousness. But I do wonder sometimes… This is purely for entertainment.



30 thoughts on “The Need to Faint” by Olan (@Olan)

  1. This little tale delights me, not sure why. I’ve actually fainted twice in my life, in camp during my NYSC. Good times!

    1. Lol, really. I’ve always wondered what it would be like, from times when assemblies took longer than normal in secondary school to missed deadlines. Lol. Thanks for reading!

    2. @hotchocolate Lol, really. I’ve always wondered what it would be like, from times when assemblies took longer than normal in secondary school to missed deadlines. Lol. Thanks for reading!

  2. This was a great read! Got me laughing.
    I’ve never fainted too..I’ve always wondered what it’s like. maybe someday…

    1. @Mimiadebayo. I’ve always wondered too… I’m glad you found it funny. Thanks for dropping by.

  3. Love this; it totally relates. Some situations make you want to run away (physically or mentally) even if its the cowardly thing to do. Great writ; a tense mix-up in the first paragraph, but then, that might just be me.

    1. @shadiat Your comment is mighty encouraging. Thank you for stopping by.

  4. Jo (@josephoguche)

    Nice nice … :)

  5. nice story…there were tense mix ups somewhere in the narrative.
    well done

  6. D luv part got me,bcos our movies make it look lik mr love will break all tower to find you.lik ur piece.

  7. There is always that need to dissociate from the worries, fainting is just a way of escaping. But beware lest it slips into death. Editng would be good for this. Well done. $ß.

  8. Nice one, feel like need for speed (the game)

  9. Lol,really liked this piece n i haven’t fainted but i keep wondering wen it will happen n how,cant help but laugh.Well done

  10. Nicely done.

  11. Really cool, caught my attention

  12. This is really nice. And I like what you used commas to accomplish: the many commas made it pacey and poetic, which is why I guess @elovepoetry likened it to Need For Speed (a game I love so much :) )

    On the subject of fainting: yeah, there are those times you just want to slide into oblivion to relieve yourself of the heavy weight on your consciousness. But then, there are those times that fainting causes you so much embarrassment. I once fainted in my 200 levels in Uni while receiving a lecture in a theater filled with some 200 students. When I regained consciousness, I saw I was being carried by some six people amidst much commotion. And there were chicks around. Can’t forget that day.

    Well done @Olan.

  13. @Olan, this is really good writing. Kept me at the edge of my seat especially since I’m one person who has always wondered why I never fainted. Makes me remember the day I pretended to faint in boarding school because The seniors were sending me too many messages. I knew I was a born actor, there and then!
    I also love writing were I can hear the mind of the writer,this one does a lot of justice to that. Lovely!

  14. lol @chemokopi; i can only imagine. i pretended to faint once during a family prayer cum deliverance session…more like, fall under d annointing than fainting. u should have seen how the pastor pounced on me pouring water and spittle. As if NEPA was in on my plan, they seized power soon after i ‘fell’; my poor mother was convinced then that i must have attained the rank of grandmaster in whatever occultic cabal i belonged to.lol.smh. Kai, i act that day ehn…y’all should try it.
    beautiful story by d way, @Olan you made me laugh AND remember!

  15. Ebuka (@murney_okosisi)

    D suspense sha…well done @Olan

  16. You killed it @Olan. I particularly like the point you made in the third paragraph, about love being a conscious decision. Your story made me remember my own longing to experience that act which had eluded me, fainting. And when I eventually did, it felt like nothing I had experienced; yes, nothing. Imagine a computer working without a UPS going off on power outage, and coming back to life about 45 seconds later when power was restored. Thanks for making me remember. I should write about it someday.

  17. Lol….This is a great piece. U sure it’s just fiction?

  18. @ Olan Lol….This is a great piece. U sure it’s just fiction?

  19. very nice and different. Got me thinking too. I’ve never fainted before, but I’ve blacked out for like 5seconds and found myself on the floor of our home. Don’t know if that counts, but worry, anxiety and tension causes more of stomach upsets for me.

    great article

  20. I Need To faint Too.
    One Word: CAPTIVATING.

  21. @Olan, enjoyed it, loved the pace too, and the musing style. I fainted once before, when I had 8 distinctions and a pass in my core subject. It wasn’t too serious, because I revived myself almost immediately but it was the only thing I could do realizing my cheese had finally been taken.

  22. first i am happy at your inability to faint. do not mind the stuff that plays at nollywood- film tricks they say. fainting is not pleasant. however your piece is funny. well done

  23. I enjoyed reading.

  24. lol….the movies make it seem so easy.

  25. Trust Nollywood at the peril of your life lol. I want to faint tooooooo.

    one thing is certain ,Love I s a choice and not a function of feelings alone. good one

Leave a Reply