Randy Me #4

Randy Me #4

How do you break a heart? Yes, I just asked that question in case you were wondering if you heard right. How do you break a heart? See, I was in a quandary of sorts and I needed a quick fix. I knew what to do, my problem was, I did not have the heart to tell Tina that our little affair had come to an end. There was no way I was going to carry on with her after what transpired in the club. So yes, I needed to develop a steely heart fast.

On my way home, mildly drunk and with my brain shutting down, I placed a call to Tolu – he is the Casanova of the lot.

‘Tolu I need a favour,’ I said when he answered the phone. ‘I need to break it off with a girl and I don’t really want to hurt her.’

His response normally would have put me off. I mean, I would have switched off the phone and continued driving; thing was I needed to be armed by the time I spoke to Tina the next day. So I waited.

Tolu laughed for a while, then said sagely, ‘It’s that girl from Tunde’s party isn’t it? Yeah, I was wondering when I would hear the gist about her…’

‘Dude, can you help me?’ I was somewhat desperate. I needed my plate cleared before the next Friday when Trisha and I had a date. So she had to go and Tolu had the panache. The problem was he was a voyeur who enjoyed living vicariously through his friends. His convoluted mind craved the stories of conquests in graphic detail. So when he said gist, he was asking for a load down on her.

‘You know I can bro, you are just being stingy. I mean you enjoy all the action, all I’m asking for is…’

‘I’ll tell you everything on Saturday. Remember Remi has that thing…’

He thought for a while, ‘okay, I’ll help you, but if you hold out on me…’ he didn’t have to complete the threat. ‘I’ll ping you later tonight, I’m kinda busy here right now.’ The line went dead.

I dropped the phone on the passenger seat angry at Tolu for almost ruining a perfect night. Almost because as soon as I dropped the phone, I could see that wonderful smile of hers again, her ample bosom and the fact that we had a private session in one of the dark recesses where all we spoke about remained in that dark recess – if you follow my drift – there was just no way I was going back.

My problem then was, I couldn’t just call up Tina and tell her I was tired of screwing with her. I have a conscience people, I have never dumped a lady before, so where I excelled in picking up ladies, I failed miserably in ending things effectively with them. I just couldn’t be that callous, hence my call to Tolu.

I went straight to bed when I got home and slept like a child. Thank goodness I had an alarm clock that was always an irritant every morning. I got dressed for work and got to work early. It was Monday, I was way too early and though I was feeling spunky, somewhere in my mind, I was saddened at what I was going to do that day. I read Tolu’s ping that he sent around 3a.m. tell her your girlfriend is back in town and that you are sorry but you cannot continue with her. That was all it said.

At a quarter to eight, Tina sent me a chat; she was irritated that I hadn’t been chatty since dropping her off. It was a perfect time to implement Tolu’s panacea and I wasted no time. I picked my phone and dialed. She answered the call after five rings.

‘Yes?’ I could hear her annoyance.

‘I’m sorry,’ I began…

‘You are always sorry,’ she countered. ‘Please sell your sorry tale to someone who cares.’

‘My girlfriend is back in town. She arrived yesterday morning and called me in the afternoon to tell me she had cut her trip short…’

There was a long silence on the other end. I hoped she would flare up, call me names or something, instead, she took it stride and acted matured.

‘So I was just a temporal girl right? Someone to keep you warm right? It’s okay, I hope she knows just how two-faced you are.’ The line went dead. I stood there in the office, stupefied that the breakup had gone queerly without a hitch. Whatever happened to girls throwing tantrums and fighting to stay in a dead relationship? I guessed those only happened in movies right?

Throughout the day I avoided my phone like a plague and missed some important calls in the process. I couldn’t care less; I was mourning Tina, literally. I wondered if Imole had had same withdrawal pangs after dumping me. Finally I picked up my phone when I was about leaving the office, then my phone rang, it was Trisha.

‘Hello sweetie,’ she said jovial.

‘Hey you, I am just leaving the office,’ I answered.

‘Thought you should have closed too.’ She commented, ‘anyways, I just wanted to give a heads up, prepare your proposal and bring it to the office on Thursday.’ She paused a while, ‘Friday still looking good?’

That was the catch 22, what could I say? ‘Of course yes. Friday is going to be a great day.’ I knew with those words I had effectively nailed myself in. As I walked to my car, I wondered what manner of man I was evolving into. I got home late thanks to Lagos traffic, and as I parked my car and was about to switch of the headlamps, I saw her.

Tina had obviously been waiting for me; I was about stepping out when she launched the large stone in her hand. It landed perfectly on my windshield and crushed it in. I got out of the car indignant as she walked toward me and the car.

‘Now we’re even.’ She didn’t even look back.

I just stood there, too dazed to move. I realized then that it wasn’t only in movies that girls acted up. Then I remembered; hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…



40 thoughts on “Randy Me #4” by Daireen (@daireenonline)

  1. Hahaha serves u right..thank goodness itbwas just ur windshield

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @schatzilien guy, wetin na! nor dey winch me fa! =))

      Thanks for stopping by, appreciate.

  2. hehehehehe…. i thought it would be his head.

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @olan ere pari niyen, that would be the end fa. Break the protagonist’s head in the beginning and it’s over…

      Thanks for stopping.

  3. very very goood. though she should have thrown in two for better measure

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @ville sigh, u be woman? Cos, I’ll understand where you’re coming from…
      that said, don’t shoot me oo! I’m just a messenger.

      Thanks for reading.

  4. @daireenonline
    Good write. Keep it coming.

    @schatzilein
    @olan
    @ville
    Breaking up a relationship is not the worst crime on earth. It’s even better than carrying on with the two girls at the same time. Imole broke up with him too, I mean, it happens. I think Tina over-reacted. If she is a high value woman, she will get someone better no need to get even.

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @estee tell them oo! See what I’ve been saying lati joyi yi (all these while…)

      Thank you for stopping ma’m

  5. Na wa for men sha.Tina should hav respected herself in the first place.

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @nira-slyves by ‘respect herself’ you mean she should not follow her heart ba? We all make mistakes and our ‘dear’ protagonist is on an odyssey to self discovery. Our prayer for him should be that he finds himself before self destructing…

      Thank you for reading and commenting.

  6. Does that Jazmine Sullivan’s song (I broke the windows out ya carrrr!) come to mind?? Lol. Anyway, never mistake silence as lack of reaction.

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @zikora, don’t know the song but I guess it will be apt for you to remember…

      Thanks for stopping to read and the comment. :)

      1. Lol @daireenonline…..saying it will be apt for me to remember. It was a hit song abt smatching bf car so……

  7. @Estee…..u hit the nail on the head! I was suprised with the stone throwing at the end actually. Thought she got the msg and handled it well till she did a ‘Jazmine Sullivan’ lol.

    Was going to say to @Daireen not all women go crazy when affairs go awry, some actually handle it gracefully but @Daireen was determined to make Tina vindictive so he can tag all women crazy! #tongueout.

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @zikora, it happened that way ni oo. I didn’t even see that coming till I got to the end and Tina’s character DEMANDED to have a final word. I couldn’t but oblige :)

      I hope Zikora is a guy’s name… x_x

      1. Why do u hope Zikora is a guy?? @daireenonline…..she is not unfortunately.

        1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

          @zikora, just wanted to know the sex of the person so I can understand the rationale a tad more. I guess you rooted for Tina there, then thought of the implications and claimed I was the unfair one… :d

          It’s a game we all play, reactions differ, I know this no matter how violent is small compared with others. I don’t pray to meet anyone that violent though. :d

          Thanks for the clarification, and the next episode’s out, please read and comment.

          1. Bless your heart….u misunderstood darling. I was suprised at Tina’s reaction at the car park even tho it reminded me of a song, and I found the irony of that funny; then u said u dnt even know the song.

            Anyway personally I preferred her earlier reaction but its all fun still. Now I’m going to look for the next episode!

            1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

              @zikora *singing* go ziki, go ziki…

              1. @daireenonline….Lol. Check out my poem ‘The Parasite’ and this months writing prompt!
                Thank u as u do so….

  8. Good work
    I couldn’t help but stifle a chuckle.

    I guess I will keep a tab on you

    Fantastic narration

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @chudiebere please do, and read up the sequels in the series…

      Thanks for commenting.

  9. Small price to pay…..btw nice story

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @jodeci, abi? Thank God she didn’t organise ‘awon boys’ to deal with him…

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting… please read the next episode, it’s out.

  10. Serves him ryt and yes I am female.

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @shammy sigh, what have I done…

      I just hope ladies won’t gang up and beat me up as I walk the streets of Oturkpo ;)

      Thanks for stopping and commenting.

  11. Hottie (@MissAjiboye)

    I think that was fair enough na. Was she supposed to hug you ?

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @missajiboye sigh, It was a mutually rewarding relationship na. At least up to some point…
      And a hug wouldn’t have been so bad ;)

      Thanks for stopping and commenting.

  12. Hehehehehe.
    Serves him right.
    She should have aimed for his head.

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @itsabum sigh, now I believe thee a lady. Have a heart and let’s play a lil na. Leave our dear boy alone, he’s sowing his ‘wild oats’ ;)

      Be patient with him.

  13. @daireenonline, you should let your boy see strong thing. The stone should have touched his head, then he’ll know how to zip up. I’m not rooting for Tina, but does Akin know that AIDS is real?

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @febidel sigh, strong thing again… We can’t kill the protagonist 5 minutes into the story na, won’t be a story again. Case in point, Spartacus survived :d As per the aids thinghy, he wears a rubber, but I do not dwell, see I don’t follow him into that dimension, I need my sanity intact, so I’ll take the allusions but not the detailed information.

      I hope you get, I’m not trying to promote ‘randiness’ just chronicling a guy’s odyssey to love. These are all wild oats and the adventure he endured…

      Thanks for caring enough, you rock!

  14. Tank ur stars she wasnt wit a gun

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @koollove only military carry guns in Naija. The others are illegal.

      Thanks for stopping by.

  15. Ha ha ha ha ha . You mean she broke your windscreem for your breaking her heart. She is a toughee. I guess she will now in home and cry. Muchedy.

  16. Lil price to pay for a break up if u ask me

    1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

      @uzywhyte thanks for stopping by. :)

  17. Omg!

    She did?

  18. Good ! Good! Let the breaking begin.

  19. hahahahahaha tank ur stars she is not my sister omo head for role
    Dis is so thrilling

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