A Tale of Flying Roaches

A Tale of Flying Roaches

”I consider he with the ability to kill a flying roach with one hit a legend for he doth show great courage in the face of even greater fear’”. – Anonymous

Let me state it expressly that I hate lizards more than I hate roaches however flying cockroaches are way above lizards, on the same level with… its just the worst ok? See, its one thing to wake up in the middle of the night for a snack, turn on the lights in the kitchen and BAM! There is a cockroach or more scurrying away. It is a totally different thing to be sitting in the living room, watching TV at 11 pm and one or more (shudders) roaches choose to make appearance by flight. That is just rude; besides it being disgusting.

Has a flying cockroach robbed you of sleep? No? Then you haven’t lived. If you happen to love sleep as much as I do then you’d agree with me that no cockroach will make it to heaven. I believe they are straight from the depths of hell and my opinion can not be changed, thank you very much. There was this night a while ago; I had had a long day. It was already past 10 and I didn’t even want to watch TV I just wanted to sleep. I had barely drifted off when a huge cockroach flew and landed straight onto my arm. I jumped off the bed immediately; the alarms in my head screamed:

“What the actual hell?!!!’

I ran and turned on the lights but couldn’t find the cockroach on my bed. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or anxious. I searched around the bed and still didn’t find it. My heart started to slow down to its normal rate and I was thinking ‘please this thing should not come out again, I just want to sleep. Please God. Please God’. I turned off the lights and went back to sleep.

Like 5 minutes later the thing out of nowhere landed on my face!

“Arrrghhhhhhhhhhh”

My dad came rushing into my room.

“Nne! Nne, what is it? What is it?”

I was just holding my face and shaking like I had been poured a bucket of ice water. I didn’t know exactly how to tell my dad that I had screamed because a cockroach had landed on my face. So, I told him that ‘something’ landed on my face while I was sleeping.

“Something? What something this girl? Ha ga’e vofutagi ogbanje. I thought somebody was trying to stab you here, do you want to wake everybody on this street up?”

Ha ga’e vofutagi ogbanje (something about ogbanje being dug out for me; it’s a long story but if you’re Igbo or you’ve read Things Fall Apart, you’d probably understand the meaning of ogbanje)

My dad checked around the room and didn’t find anything, I wasn’t expecting him to; I had checked earlier and didn’t find anything. He left the room murmuring more promises of ogbanje being dug for me. I really couldn’t care, I was only bothered the about fact that I wasn’t going to get any sleep that night until that cockroach was killed. After looking around for a while, I returned to my bed with the lights still on. I’d heard that roaches were nocturnal and so I figured they wouldn’t also like light from an electric bulb. That roach was actually messing with my head that night because like 10 minutes later it flew past my face. At that very point I felt I was in a bad horror movie.

The roach flew past my face again and landed on the wall directly opposite me and for a split second I imagined it saying:

“Catch me if you can”

I knew the roach was ready to do battle. I jumped off the bed and I went for a shoe, in my mind I was like:

“Let’s do this”

I moved close to the wall and struck. Of course I missed. My hand was shaking so much that I wouldn’t have been able to put food into my own mouth successfully. The roach flew higher. I thought ‘today is today; I will kill this thing if it’s the last thing I do’.

I kept up with this charade with the roach for about 15 minutes. By this time my shoes were scattered all over the room; I was trying anything even throwing my shoes at the roach when it flew too high. Sometimes the roach would fly past me with that horrible buzz it makes and I would feel it was teasing me, saying:

“Is that all you got bitch?”

I was done with throwing shoes, so I ran out to get a broom from the kitchen. Brethren, those brooms do more than sweep the house believe me. (Rule number 1: brooms are more effective in killing roaches). I switched to the broom but I still couldn’t hit the roach because I was too nervous to aim properly. (Rule number 2: never encourage fear when you want to kill a flying roach; be confident. Believe that you have wings and you will fly.)

In the midst of frustration, I thought; how can a cockroach be using my head like this? I started to calm my nerves and counted to 20. Advancing slowly towards the wall where the roach was perched, I reached out my hand and struck. Bull’s eye! I hit the roach and it fell straight to the ground.

I achieved something significant that day; well first I was able to get some sleep. Even though I am no exterminator, I feel I can take out any stinking flying cockroach because I realised that in killing one, you have to overcome your fear for it first which is the first step; and then the rest, they say, is history.

 

Happy New Year.



16 thoughts on “A Tale of Flying Roaches” by Salliness (@Salliness)

  1. Funny and well written….I can’t say I knw wt u went thru bt I do share ur passionate distaste for ds despiscable things…

  2. Thumbs up. You’ve got some accolades and a lesson to teach. Interestingly done. I’m thinking, there is a cultural group that feasts on roaches. Still thinking, yet to recollect.

    1. @Carlobasi I saw something like that on TV once. The guy caught roaches, fried and ate them. I am already nauseous thinking about it.

  3. dallas-b (@kjyomme@gmail.com)

    Lessons to learn indeed

  4. dallas-b (@kjyomme@gmail.com)

    Lessons to learn indeed

  5. … a simple nice story…

  6. Omila (@oriaifo-donald)

    i remember this song…”if nobody likes me, i’m going to eat cockroach. cut off the head, suck out the yamma yamma, throw the rest away”…feel your pain though. thanks for the lessons!.

    1. @omila: what secondary school did you go to? That song ehn was used to elicit a pity party

  7. @salliness, I wanted to be brave and read your story, but when I read up to point where the roach flew and landed on your arm, I shuddered and had to abandon the attempt

    Even the mere thought of a cockroach flying towards me is enough to creep me out – eewwwww! Nyama!!!

  8. I hate roaches. I mean, I have a real deep seated revulsion towards cockroaches ever since one crawled up inside my nightie at the age of 7, just as I put it on! I can’t even watch a documentary without feeling my skin crawl. Crawl? Noooo, the sight of a roach is enough to make my flesh march smartly along and knot up in bunches.
    I’ve had the flying roach experience lots of times. You even tried by turning off the light and trying to sleep again. If that was me, I’d hug my can of Raid close and leave the light on for the rest of the night.
    I recently had a run in with a flying roach, and it was not as dramatic as this, but by the time I wrestled the hellacious thing to the floor, I was screaming, “F*$king bastard!”, and smashing it with a broom over and over…and this happened in front of my mother!

    Just writing this is making my scalp itch; that’s how bad I hate roaches!
    SHUDDER!!!

    1. @hotchocolate oh wow! *hug*
      I think UN needs to come up with a plan to eradicate them. If they do more harm than good of course. I’d like to know what good roaches are ever up to.

  9. You know, this account of fly roaches actually reminded me of an experience i had recently so i could totally relate. Very good one. Hilarious too!

  10. I hate cockroaches, but I have never had one touch me. I think I would faint.

    The other day, there was one in my car; discovered it whilst I was driving…almost crashed.

  11. Brilliant write-up and pretty much intresting but cockroaches!oh la la, dnt let us go there o cos i cn smell one a thousand miles away and d worst night i cn ever is something like what just happened buh for it to perch on my face thrice? haba!cos i will be out of dat building after its first attempt.KUDOS to you

Leave a Reply