The last time you did it you weren’t caught. You had half expected her to report you to the authorities but she didn’t. You know she didn’t because you watched her every move before and after the occasion. She hadn’t told anyone either. You were disappointed because you had wanted to get caught. You knew what you did was wrong but you couldn’t stop yourself. You needed someone to help you but you couldn’t meet anyone. You couldn’t tell them what you did because what you did was very bad. You couldn’t report yourself to the authorities either, you lacked the nerve to do that. So every night before you sleep you pray to wake up to the noise of policemen banging on your door. You pray you would wake up one day and find an angry mob gathered with stones at your door step. You pray that you sleep and wake no more.
You are desperate to atone for your sin. That is why you do not wear a mask while you do it, neither do you threaten your victims so they do not report. You want to be caught, you want to be stopped but they lack the courage to report you. They lack the strength to narrate their shame to a third party. You understand that very well. You do because you too cannot tell another about the shameful activity you carry out. You understand fully how painful and awful it is to be in their shoes because you were once there. When you were sixteen Brother Efe, your brothers best friend had overpowered you and did it to you. You had been terrified and broken. That was not how you had imagined your first would be. Not a with a guy. No. You had wanted it to be with Chi, your pretty classmate. You had imagined it would be under the watchful eyes of the moon and the very very beautiful stars. You had wanted to fill the room with sweet smells and cover the sheets with very red roses. You had wanted Chi to be excited and willing.
Eventually, you had your chance with Chi but not like you had dreamt it would be. She was not in the least willing neither were you excited. You were sad you had to do it but you did it. There was no bed covered with roses but a hard ground covered with stones. The moon and the stars were absent, the sun graced the event with every vein of harshness it owned. It was not the bliss you had imagined, it called for a hiss. That was the last time you saw her but you lived everyday with the memory of the dry tears she shed that day. You had forced her.
You are twenty now and you still do it. After Chi there was Arewa, your neighbor’s eight year old daughter. You had threatened to take her life if she said a word to anyone or anything including the wall. That had silenced her completely. She hadn’t reported you to anyone but you wish she had. You see her in your dreams most nights, clothed in blood and pointing a finger at you.
You carried the habit over to the university and for a brief moment you thought you were enjoying it. It had become a part of you. You had literally survived on it, it was like oxygen to you. An addiction you could not stop and no one had caught you. In your third year it began to weigh you down. Your conscience returned suddenly and you wept. You wept bitterly after every occurrence but you could not stop. It was like you wear driving a sports car with no break. You wanted to stop, needed to stop. You hoped one of your victims would walk up to the police one day, you hoped they would confront you or something. Instead you watched as they coiled into their shells and never came out. You saw their eyes die and their skin pale. They weren’t going to tell the tale of their slaughter to another; they did rather die with it. It makes you feel worse than a killer; you had taken their souls away.
None was going to stop you; none that you violated was going to speak out. So you searched for your next target. A tall light skinned beauty. You liked them tall and fair. You followed her to her hostel that evening. You hung around looking for clues on how best to capture her. When you saw her come out of her room and head for the bathroom, you knew what was to be done, how it was to be done and where it was to be done. You followed her. Not through the bathroom door but through the window. You were lucky it was dark and the environment was a little deserted. You could watch her without getting caught and so you did but no for too long. She saw you. For the very brief moment in which your eyes locked you saw her change from fair to red. You saw her body scream and heard her shout ‘Jesus’. You saw her eyes too, they reminded you so much of Chi. The fright they shone got to you and you absorbed it. You were frightened to. That was when you decided to stop. That brief moment that felt like eternity put a stop to your craze.
As you sit in the counsellor’s office you wonder what the hell you are doing there. You want to walk out but those eyes, the ones belonging to the bathroom girl, the ones that remind you so much of Chi, keep you pinned to the seat. You look at the counsellor, a middle aged woman, she’s asking you some questions but you can’t focus. Your thoughts are in a riot but you know one thing for sure: This is the dawn of a new day.