The aroma is beautiful, so strong and persistent, it can make a man walk on air. “Ooooh!” I grumble, “God abeg no spoil this thing for me” I pray to myself. Kim Kardashian is seated on my laps, we are in a bar, bouncers are all around us, the girl just dey smooch me anyhow, this is the life any right thinking guy will pray for. And now the smell of frying meat wants to spoil it for me, I weigh my options, should I go for Kim K or for fried meat. I make the choice any ajepako would make.
“Oooooh!” I grumble once more before flinging the blanket off of me. “My dream don spoil now” I say to myself as I stare down the magnanimous bulge in my boxers. I use thirty seconds to curse Testosterone. As I put on an extra trouser in a bid to hide the bulge, I try to think holy. Holy thoughts control my testosterone.
With the embarrassing bulge taken care of, I slowly open my room door. I look into the passageway, nobody in sight. I listen for sounds, nothing there either. As swiftly as a ninja I tiptoe into the kitchen, I put my nose into the air. Yes! It is still here.
I look in the pots, I look in the oven, I look in the cupboards, I am as stealthy as the cat bugler I am. I never expected it to be easy, but I never expected it to be this difficult. Then I catch a whiff of steam coming from atop the shelves, with my 6 foot plus height I reach up and pull out plastic bowl. As I open the bowl, I see it and my heart rejoices.
I rush to grab a knife, it is too risky taking a whole piece, she must have counted it. With the dexterity borne out of years of practice, I proceed to mutilate the first piece of meat. I am in the process of mutilating the second piece when she calls out
“Ayomide! I know you are there ooo!!, I have counted that meat ooo!”.
F*ck! My cover is blown. I quickly finish with the second piece and run out of the kitchen, back to my room. On getting to my room I shout back
“Mummy, are you calling me?”
“Ayomide, who was in the kitchen just now?”
“I’m just waking up naa! What is my business with the kitchen” I lie, Ouch! Ouch!! I ignore my mother’s rebukes to face my leg where something appears to be cooking. F*ck! In my bid to escape from the kitchen I had dropped my loot in my trouser pocket, now the hot oil from the meat has fried my leg. I stare at the cursed pieces of meat with anger and hate ” First, you ruin my date with Kim, now you destroy my leg “I say to myself, walahi if I hear say I no chop this meat. I bite down as I hard as I can as I eat the loot, “they must suffer for what they did to me” I think to myself.
After choppin the meat, I rush to my bathroom and rinse my mouth very well. When I was still a novice, the aroma from my mouth usually gave me away, my mother and her sharp nose, but not anymore.
“What will I do today now?” I think to myself, and at that moment, that very moment, my phone rings TANANANNAM! I rush to pick it, I rarely get calls, so the few I get I treasure them badly. WTF!! I draw back in horror as I see the caller’s name.
“Kardashian!!” ,I say to myself. What the hell is happening? Which kain prank be dis? I look left. I look right. I look at the windows. I look at the ceiling. I had to make sure that no mumu was recording this apparent prank. I breathe into my cupped hands, my breath isn’t that bad. It only smells like spoilt egg. And then I pick the call.
“Hello! Who is speaking?”, I say while forming bigman voice
“Na who dey talk?, Na Ayomide be dis”
I am stunned for but a moment. Stupid me, I had actually believed it was Kim Kardashian.
I quickly regain myself “Err! Yes! Who is speaking?”
“Ehen! My name na Minion. Almighty Hades talk say make I bring you come”
Right now I am seriously confused .Minion! Hades! Bring me come! They are even speaking pidgin! This must be the dumbest prank ever. Well, I might as well play along, it seems the caller has too much credit.
“Haa! Minion na u be dis abi! So na how you wan carry me come? I don dey wait your call since”
“I think say u don cut call na! Oya press H A D E S for your phone” the joker replies
Huh! “This guy must be on some really heavy sh*t” I think to myself. Well, there just might be something there for me. So I proceed to remove the phone from my ear and press the keys, it was really difficult typing the words on my wretched blackberry struggle. Almost all the keys don loss finish.
“I don type am finish oo!” , I reply
“Oya press enter!”
“This fu*ker is just doing me like mumu” , I think. I proceed to call the names of all the fu*ckers I know.
“James na you abi, abi na Quadri, or na ……….” I call about twenty more names. Yes! I know a lot of fu*kers.
No reply?! I look at my screen, the call is still reading. And then suddenly
“U don call all ur girlfriends name finish ?! When you ready just press enter”
This is probably someone I know. All my peeps never forget revenge. And so I did it, I pressed enter.
At first all was quiet, I was staring at the phone. “So….. what now?!” I think