Wedding Crash

Hey people… In the ‘March featured writer’ article, I promised to let y’all read a story from me. Well, it’s been written, and though I have been mighty scared of putting it up – till now, I’ve come to realize it’s time to share it with you lovely people. Feel free to constructively criticise the post. As it is my first short story ever, that would be highly appreciated.

__________

I wake slowly to the strains of ’Marry You’ by Bruno Mars set off by the alarm. As I search for the offending machine, a clear thought penetrates my sleep-fogged mind; Wedding! Just then my hand connects with the phone. I hit the stop button and break out in a wide grin.

Today is March 16th 2016 and it is my wedding day. I am going to be married to my sweetheart, Lionel. The thought of him makes me blush, ahh; the things we did in dreamland not so long ago. There is a throbbing at the apex of my thighs and I feel heat spread through me; this usually happens when I think of the things I want to do to and with him.

”Patience, girl. You’ll have him for the rest of your life to do with as you please starting tonight.” I tell myself. That is enough to reassure me.

Smiling, I lean over to turn on the bedside lamp at the far end of the bed and my hand touches a wet patch. Quickly, I turn on the light and a puzzled look steals across my face. There on the undisturbed part of the bed is a wet patch which looks as though one sat on it with wet shorts. I throw a glance at the door; the bolt is still drawn across. My hand goes to my butt which feels really dry.

”Come to think of it, this room is cold and the windows aren’t even open.”I mumble to myself as I pad across the room to check on the air-conditioner. It is switched off.
This isn’t the time or day to concern myself with demystifying ’lesser’ matters; I reason, picking my ringing phone off the bed. I look at the screen; disconnect the call, and move towards the door.

”Good morning Suze.” I say to her as I open it wide and move back to let her in. ‘She’ is Susan; my best friend and soon-to-be chief bridesmaid.

”Good morning dearie. How was your last night as Miss Deborah Evans?” she asks with a glint in her eyes as she goes to sit on the bed.

”Wait! Don’t sit there.” I blurt out.

”Why not?” Suze asks, going ahead to sit on the wet patch.

”It is wet…The side you are sitting on,” I tell her.

”Ooooh…why didn’t you tell me before?” she queries, her hand going immediately to her backside.
I look at the spot which she has just gotten up from, but to my astonishment there is nothing there. Suze is quite quick to point this out.

”Well, I mistakenly poured water on the bed and didn’t know it had dried off.”
The lie rolls easily off my tongue. It is a lie because I didn’t pour water and I know what I had felt and seen; but the dry bed is playing mind games with me.

”Are you cold?” I ask Suze, drawing my purple sleeping robe tightly over my body to ward off the chills, as goosebumps erupt on my forearms.

”No.” Suze says, giving me the once over.
”I know what is wrong with you Deb.” she continues as she goes to throw the curtains open, letting daylight filter into the room.

”What is wrong then?” I ask as I sit back on the bed. She comes to stand in front of me, arms akimbo.

”Pre-wedding jitters.” she says, nodding her head like a Chinese sage before dragging me off the bed and pulling me towards the door.

”It’s your wedding day. No dulling.” she says, going out into the corridor. Just as I am about to step out of the room, I feel some drops of water on my face and I wipe them off.

”It’s your wedding, you should hurry up. It’s crazy out there and the beauticians are coming in real soon.” Suze says, as she turns to look at me.

”I know joor.” I tell her, playfully smacking the side of her head.
My phone rings and I dive on the bed to get it; it’s Lionel, my sweetheart.

”Hey baby.” I say into the phone. Suze throws me a look of mock horror before closing the door behind her.

”We are not supposed to make contact before the wedding, doesn’t it include ‘auditory contact’?”

”I would have no idea, it’s you females that create these crazy rules. You know we men can’t be bothered.”

”Tscheew!” I hiss into the phone and lie back on the bed, fiddling with the tassels on my nightgown.

”Hey Love. I called because I had this weird dream, but for the life of me I can’t remember it now that I have heard your voice.” Lionel says.

“That’s too bad. Well…I had a dream and I recall vividly what we did. It had lots of ’spooning and forking’ and now I fear the thought of it is bad for my panties.” I say, ending in a stage whisper while holding back the laughter.

Lionel lets out a whoop of joy; ”I am getting married to this kwazie ass woman in some hours and I am going to give her…” He starts belting out lyrics of the chorus to Marvin Gaye’s ’Sexual healing’.

“I love you Nel, but I need to get into the bathroom now or forever stay in bed.” I tell him smiling at my corruption of the words that would soon be repeated on our behalf.

”No way miss; get your cute self into the bathroom now!”
I end the call with a smile on my face.

”Oh boy! Did this room get colder or what?” I wonder aloud as I rub my arms vigorously to dispel the cold and swing my feet off the bed; to the ground, slipping off my robe and nightgown.

”Today is your special day Deb, better get your ass moving.” I mumble to myself as I step into the bathroom.

* * * * *

4 hours later…
The church is packed with friends, relatives and well-wishers of ours. Sitting next to me is my beau, looking more handsome than ever. His dark skin just seems to glow brightly today, and as he smiles and winks at me, I almost forget that we are in church as ’unholy’ thoughts creep into my mind. I wink back at him and turn to face the pastor reverently, urging him wordlessly to finish the boring sermon, and hurry to the exchange of vows. It works; my chakra, I mean because the pastor wraps up the sermon and beckons on us to come forward.

As I get up, I feel this inexplicable sense of dread, and it is accompanied by a draft of cold air that seems to penetrate the layers of lace, organza and tulle on my body which causes me to shiver convulsively. I make it to the pulpit without betraying any sign of unease.
Suddenly I hear a patter of feet echoing in the quiet of the church. It is from a little girl who runs up the aisle, hot on her young heels is a woman that I think is her mother. To my surprise, the little girl runs up to me and hugs my leg.

”Aunty don’t marry this man, the other man is crying too much,” she whispers pointing at a space beside me. I look but do not see anyone, I am confused. The church is quiet now.

”What in hell’s bells is this girl saying?” I ask myself as I try to pry my dress from her clenched fist, her hand is very cold. Whispers float about now. A commotion breaks out as the mother gets to the pulpit, an embarrassing tinge staining her face as she apologizes profusely for her daughter, whom she says is receiving treatment for acute malaria. I nod and tell her that no offence was taken, as we wait for the din to quiet down. The girl’s whispered words haunt me. I don’t know of any man that would cry over me. Lionel is my first and only love. I had a boyfriend 3 years ago when I was in my 2nd year, but after a weekend spent in his lodge, he started avoiding me and when I broke it off with him, I felt his relief. He definitely wasn’t crying over me now.

”Are you okay Darling?” Lionel asks me quietly and I nod in affirmation. I turn just in time to see mother and daughter leave through the church doors, and just before the doors close behind them, the girl turns back and throws me an anxious look mouthing the word ”Please.”
As the doors clang shut, I feel the hairs on the nape of my neck rise, goosebumps on my forearms and I get this weird feeling that I am being watched; the latter filling me with fear. I shrug the feeling off and fix a smile on my face to repeat the words that tie me forever to my love.

* * * * *

After signing the registry, we step out of the church, my hand held lightly in the crook of Nel’s elbow as we get showered with confetti.

”You look absolutely breathtaking babe.” Nel says as he bends a bit to nuzzle my neck.

”Thanks darling, you aren’t so bad yourself.” I reply giggling. I know we look lovely; my ivory gown sits well on my fair skin and standing next to tall, dark and handsome Lionel, I know we complement each other physically and make quite the ’perfect picture’.

The MC announces that it’s time to throw the bouquet, eliciting cheers and giggles from the single ladies in the crowd as shouts of “Throw! Throw!” fill the air.
Turning my back to the crowd, I fling the pink, red and white bouquet of roses into the crowd. Again I get the weird feeling that I am being watched. It’s not just the eyes in the crowd that looks on approvingly, the grateful eyes of a distant cousin who emerges clutching the bouquet or the loving looks in Nel’s eyes, it is something more sinister and it fills me with dread.

”Hey honey, are you okay?” Nel asks. I flinch as I feel water droplets on my face.

”I’m okay darling…just a bit tired.” I reply smiling up at him. Nel, always in sync with my feelings.

”Well then let me kiss this frown off your face.” he says, a mischievous glint in his eyes as he bends down and take my lips in his. The act receives a lusty cheer from the crowd and the photographers are maniacal as the flashes go off continuously. He breaks off the kiss and carries me in his arms to the car waiting to convey us to the reception venue – Ixora gardens, it has this exotic ambience that I love. I shiver a little and then hang tightly onto his neck. He drops me in the car and slides in next to me.

”This goddamned tie almost snuffed the life out of me.” he says as he tugs the bow tie loose.

”Hey! Mind your language Nel.” I say, as I loosen the pins holding my hair in place. “These fucking things hurt!” I wonder how I didn’t notice till now.

”Like you are one to complain, Mrs Deborah Eze.” Nel says as he pulls me close to him. He winks at his cousin behind the wheel who smiles and then keeps his eyes on the road; off the mirror.
Nel gently teases my lips apart, catches my lower lip in between his and sucks ever so lightly on it. I sigh softly as the throbbing starts building, sending warmth through my body.

”Good thing that we would be done with the formalities in some hours so we can…mmm…indulge. If we don’t put a lid on it, someone would need to put off some serious fires.” I say glancing at his cousin as I gently pull away from his embrace. I brush my hand over the bulge in his trousers and give him a wink.

”Spoilsport! We would have had a quickie you know?” Nel says; pretending to sulk.

”C’mon darl, we’re headed to the reception.” I say brushing the lapel of his suit before giving him a quick kiss. He draws me to his side and holds me in his arms – I am home. This is home, here in Lionel’s arms I feel safe and loved. He whispers, ‘Mrs Deborah Eze’. I like the sound of the name, I smile and settle comfortably.

* * * * *

The intersection at the Sakeni fly-over is usually quite busy, teeming with motorists as they zoom past on their wheels. It is therefore surprising to find that traffic is light at almost 1 o’clock on a Saturday afternoon.
Just as David, our driver tries to cross the intersection; I feel a jolt as the car is hit from the side sending it skidding off the road. I am shouting and pleading the blood of Jesus; at the same time I am aware of the fact that Nel covers my body with his. Even after the car comes to a stop, I can’t stop screaming even when I feel hands pulling at me. They pull me away from the car and carry me to an open place, and as my legs hit the ground, I experience a dizzying spell and crumple.

I ‘come to’ gradually and I am cold, very cold. I can’t stop trembling and running my hands over my skin doesn’t do much to ward off the cold as it seeps into my bones. As I look around, the scene fills me with horror and unease; people running helter-skelter as they try to push a black Toyota jeep back on its wheels. The car is leaning on its side; its bodywork badly mangled but there is something oddly familiar about the car. It’s only when I see the little ribbons and burst balloons that I realize why it is familiar. The mangled car was a wedding gift from Uncle Vitalis to Nel and I. I feel a cold draft of air blow over me and some drops of water on my arm. I rub my arm to dispel the cold and wipe the water off.

”Where is Nel?” I ask the lady nearest to me.

”Who be Nail?” she glances at me and then her eyes widens as realization dawns on her.

“Oh! Na you be de Madam wey dey inside the motor?” she asks in Warri accented pidgin and I nod.

“Nel is my husband.” I answer as the shivering intensifies. Just then I see Uncle Vita hurrying towards me.

“I neva sabi about the Oga for the jeep but dem talk say dem no see the lorry driver.” the lady adds.

”Thank you.” I tell the lady as I start to get up, I find it’s not easy in my present state. Not only do I feel woozy and hurt everywhere, my wedding dress now weighs a ton. Sitting back, I begin to unhook the train of my dress so I can go find Lionel who is foremost on my mind.

”Debo.” Uncle Vita who has always been my father figure for as long as I could remember comes to sit beside me.

”Uncle Vita, where is my husband?” I ask him. His expression is bland.

”Debo it’s okay, You’ll be fine.” he says, his voice slightly trembling. This statement of his sends warning bells off in my head, and in a split second I am off the bench, running towards the mangled heap. The weight of my dress a forgotten issue in the face of looming doom.
Uncle Vita tries to hold me back but I am in flight, beyond his reach.

As I reach the car, the sight of Lionel; my husband of a few hours lying bloodied and bruised on the tarred road sends a different chill down my spine, and the band around my chest gets tighter still. Blindly I reach for his left hand in my grief, trying to put my fingers between his where they used to fit perfectly and it feels incomplete. I open my eyes to look down at our entwined hands and notice that the finger which held the ring we exchanged is missing. I let out a blood-curdling scream that brings the people who had shifted to give me space rushing back to us.

A cold breeze swirls by and it’s almost as if I hear it chuckle and then the raindrops fall on my face as I fall onto Lionel’s bloodied body. As the world goes blank, only one line graces my thoughts:
”Little girl and crying man; bring back my husband to me.”



93 thoughts on “Wedding Crash” by Bubbllinna (@sibbylwhyte)

  1. Thanks @admin, I appreciate…I would never turn off my comments on purpose, I would love it if that option is permanently turned on..

  2. *Sniff, sniff* I really like this. Very well written and gripping too.

  3. Awww…Bless your soul dear..and thanks a lot for reading, liking and commenting….here, have my hankie, wipe em’ tears away..hehe…$ß

  4. Halleluyah. You tried with this.

    You seemed enamoured with full stops even when you needed a comma:
    …(“)Thank you(,)” I tell the lady as…
    …you aren’t so bad yourself(,)” I reply giggling…
    …(“)Well then let me kiss this frown off your face(,)” he says, a mischievous…

    And some word usage:
    After signing the registry, we step out of the church… (How does one ‘sign the registry’?)
    As I reach the car, the sight of Lionel… (‘Reach’ feels off kinda)

    The story doesn’t land well. What was the cause of all the water on the bed? The hallucinating girl? The missing wedding ring? I suppose you want your reader to believe she had some ‘spirit’ husband, shey? You need to let that dawn on us in a clearer manner without losing the ‘oomph’ in the story. Or you are thinking of a second part?

    @sibbylwhyte, me sef don try jare! hehehehehehe.

    Good debut. Welcome to the world of Short Stories.

  5. About the comma nd periods…typed and edited with my phone..Dey follow each other on d keypad, so i wld put one mistakingly, assuming it to be the other…I tried to edit when I saw it on the pending queue but I couldn’t…
    I guess I shoulda used fill the registry ba?..By d way, shey na signature dem dey put?..O npeke!..hehe..

    You be thief o..4 ur mind u be bad guy, shey na cos of say I open ur eyes to d ‘mysteries’ behind ba?..Lol..

    I would definitely add some ‘oomph’ to this by the time Naijastorians are done with the corrections…and I ll post it somewhere..maybe my blog…Thanks Banky, shey U know I appreciate every every?..$ß.

    1. Silly girl, i be bad guy na, my grandma told me so before she travelled to the beyond, great or not. hehehehehehe. That’s the point: You need to let the reader into your mind through your story, not with post-story explanations.
      Appreciate every every? *frowns. I don’t know what you are talking about jare!

      1. @banky..how U wan take know?..shey na german I type for dere…

        With your help, i am quite sure next time, dat the mind of my story wld be naked for d readers to see…hehe..

  6. @banky, perhaps i ll write yet another, where the denouement or whatever is clear and final and then it would be a new story..for now I want to know just how this would fare…Thanks for critiquing the ‘crap’ outta this…lol…$ß

  7. This is really the stuff that makes it to the big screen… If you kaizen of course!

    1. Oh elove..You set my heart fluttering with this…for reals?..it could make it to a big screen if i kaizen?…Show me where kaizen is in the market, so I can buy plenty of it….hehehe…Thanks a lot @elovepoetry…$ß

  8. Bubblli gal your heart is dark! deliciously dark.

    Tall,dark and handsome; you had to go kill him off? Reads great Bubb, you definitely got the writing juice.
    I am no good at commas,etc…thank goodness for editors;lol;

    Listen to colleagues in the know as they have spoken,and I’m sure you’ll get it…you had me at “the thought of him makes me blush”

  9. @dottaraphaels…Forgive my dark side dis once..I had to do that…

    I knew you would love that part…U have a penchant for liking those things that make one blush…Naughty Dotty…hehehe…
    Thanks Dearie…I am glad that you liked it…$ß

  10. Nice idea Bubbillina, however the story didn’t flow nicely, but I get it’s your first, so you’re forgiven. I know mine didn’t measure up to this.
    One of the issues I have with this piece is that you didn’t pay attention to details, especially the scene of the accident. How come the MC didn’t sustain any injury when the person she was sitting with died. Why did she go into coma? Did she had contact with s/th? What happened to the driver? When and how did uncle Vita arrive at the scene?…
    And also some sentence construction errors, eg the paragraph with ‘come to’… I’m assessing this from the mobile site, so I’m kinda limited.
    The story also left us hanging, in some places.
    But then I commend the effort. I think justice would be done to this piece by writing a second part. I hope you have the zeal to?

    1. @francis..First off I am going to say THANK YOU …I’ve been waiting 4 sm1 lyk U..hehe…

      No..she didnt go into a coma, she just fainted and then it’s very possible to have one person die and another live…abi no be so?..I ve beeen in an accident b4 and I was d only who didnt have any injury whereas more dan 4 pple died and d rest got injured…
      I am thinking of writing a new part..I only hope dat it gets 2ru..

      About Uncle Vita, remember they are just coming from d church?..Though some people have gone 2 d reception venue…Uncle Vita’s car just happens to be next to pass through that intersection and he sees d accident…
      I am writing thru Deb’s POV, so I can’t possibly know some of the things she doesn’t know…You ll 4give me 4 not thinking of David..It’s Nel b4 anybody else…hehe..

      About the ‘come to’ paragraph, pray do tell what is wrong with it?..To come to is to slowly gain consciousness, i am sure u know that..

      Yea, I made some crazy punctuation errors…blame it on the phone i used 2 write and edit and then blame it on me…hehe..

      All in all, thanks 4 helping make dis better…I appreciate…a lot..$ß.

  11. Wetin con remain?@sibbylwhyte I now see clearly why Eugene Neil says that poets are d in a vantage position to write plays and prose.I see that some of your description are expressions of d innate poet.
    Commas or not(minor corrections in my view) u nail d story well.It is ur idea and u COMMUNICATED effectively with diction & aesthetics.WELCOME!

    1. Ah!…Sammy dearest, Thank you very much jare…And yes poets are usually good with stories cos dey add poetic tings to them..datx the reason i like @chemokopi ‘s works…
      Will do d minor corrections and when my blog starts functioning lyk a normal one, i ll post it there and let you know K?..Thanks..$ß

      1. sambright (@sambrightomo)

        Alright dear…I will be waiting for ur invite…

  12. Omg Bubblina, why evils? This is so heart breaking! I swear, I so feel like crying! It’s mysterious, and leaves me somewhat dissatisfied! I want more Bubblina, gimme mur! :)
    This is a nice write, thumbs up!

    1. @dr2103

      I am sorry dearie that you feel like crying and ur heart is a’ breaking…Will mend the pieces in Part 2, i ll post it just 4 U K?..

      I think I did a good job wt leavn U dissatisfied..See?..Now U want MORE!..Lol…Will give it soon…

      Thanks for reading, liking, crying and commenting…$ß

    2. @kaycee..

      She is crazy in a good way ba?..That date was when the story was written…only some 4 years earlier…
      And i ll try not to get married on dat day..lol…

      There’s still more to be done with that other story…itx in itx purifying stage…
      Thanks for coming here to my post…$ß

  13. Bubbly you have done great!

    Your story is well crafted and the delivery is great. I understood your story clearly.

    I also understand that the man the little girl saw crying in her vision, was the spirit of the husband.

    I love your story. Keep writing.

  14. this girl is just crazy.
    Beware of that date o

    Post that other one too

  15. @aturmercy.. thanks!! na U understand am corekt…U know dat dx ur comment is anoda way to look at it..and you ve given me a story idea…. mmuaah!!…Thanks…$ß

  16. I am waiting for your comments..@TolaO, @Myne, @Seun-Odukoya, @afronuts, @sueddie, @raymond, @guywriterer, @aghoghosam…sam u were looking forward to a story..it z here now. @gooseberry, @babyada, @teewah, @petunia007….In short, @EVERYBODY jare…

  17. Gripping end. A contemporary story- infusing present day speech patterns and all. You did well.

  18. @elly…Thanks a lot…

  19. @sibbllywhyte, I’ve written you an epistle twice, and twice network refused to send it. I won’t do that again!
    However, the story was interesting, although it was a bit complex with the unexplained mystery in it.

    Then concerning your descriptions, it wasn’t bad. But for mysery you need more than physical description to convey your message well The wetness and chill was not enough. The confusion going on inside her should also have been felt.
    Then check this;
    ‘The (apex) of her thigh.’
    ‘You don’t look (so) bad yourself.’ Did he look bad at all?

    Then my best part was the part where your hand brushed against the bulge on his trousers. Pervert shey?

    You have some good imaginations and I’m sure you’ll do well with them.

    Give me more jare.

  20. Bubbly don write tori finally…. I think the story is cool although, the message is not exactly clear. Without engineer’s comment, I wouldn’t have known it was spirit husband exactly…. There are so many things that bring evil signs other than ‘papi water’.. I wasn’t checking the punctuation and all that, guess ife watson and sueddie can add their bit there.

    You have done well with this anyway… Really good. You could write a novel you know….
    *high five*.

  21. @babyada…It got sent finally o..don’t mind dat crazy ass bit**…

    Ah!..thank God say ah call you…I am quite glad that I overcame the fear and put this up..See? Una don make d thing better…Thanks dear…all those crazy mistakes i made, that have been pointed out, i ll correct…

    You are not a pervert jor, abi me wey write am don turn pervert?…Thanks a lot.

  22. @gooseberry…*high five*..

    Ah don write am finally o…Truth is I didn’t even want it to be seen as a ‘spirit husband’ thingy…d water and all was supposd 2 be a foreboding abi na premonition of danger…but this one don go, I will become better with each new story dat I write…Thanks Goosie..4 coming here…

  23. Gave me the chills! i like.

  24. @Sibbylwhyte, this was very well written indeed. Well done.

    Somehow, the ‘crying man’ aspect of the story didn’t work for me. I don’t know whether I was supposed to think that the man was using supernatural powers to claim the MC, but for such a key part of the story, it wasn’t very well explained. What were his motives? And I would have thought that he would be angry or vengeful, not ‘crying’.

    But that aside, the story flowed like a serene river; you did fantastic work in showing the playfulness and affection between the MC and her groom, and the atmosphere at the wedding.

  25. I like your descriptions, but I still didn’t get the gist of the wet bed…I have an idea though but its not really clear.

    In all I enjoyed it and you have a knack for the story writing thingy..so hoping to read more from you.

  26. Hmmm…. aunty @sibbylwhyte, I don’t know. Something about this story felt a bit, um, fake. To me sha. Starting with the name. Deborah Evans?? Is she Yoruba, Hausa, Igbo, Edo, Delta? Who bears Evans in Nigeria?
    Then the dialogue with her and the guy… it was nice. But it also felt a bit contrived. Maybe it’s just me anyway.
    But those are just minor quibbles. My main issue is the story. What caused the wet patch on the bed? At one point I thought maybe it was bed-wetting… and at the end, I still didn’t know what happened. Plus, who was that small girl at the church? Real or a spirit? What did she see beside the MC? Who is the crying man?
    The plot just doesn’t hold. And at the end, I didn’t know what to think. And not in a suspense-ful way.

    I think, for a premier effort, this was ok. The writing at least. Though it could be better with punctuation and all, as ppl have pointed out. But in the end, I didn’t like this so much. The whole thing isn’t clear and I don’t think the story is compelling enough.
    All in all, pass mark. But barely. You can do much better I think.

  27. @shewhoisloved….For reals?..Then you must be a scaredycat, perhaps even worse than I am…hehe…Thanks for reading n commenting.

  28. @teewah

    I really love your avatars…all of em..
    2 d main gist..
    Didn’t even think I could string any kind of tale at all in prose..well I knew, but I wasn’t convinced cos i didn’t try b4 now..
    This is the 1st, I am hoping to do a sequel to this..because of all em’ comments i have gotten here…got d story in my head but I haven’t had d time to write it..
    I hope wt a 2nd part dat evrytn bcoms clear as day..

    Thanks girl 4 liking…’I appr8’….hehehe…

    1. Lmao…and to fink you got me to start writing aprc8. hm

  29. @TolaO…thanks for checking this out…

    Funny enough at one point, I did use ‘angry man’, just changed it back on a whim….wrong whim..lol.

    A funny but sometimes frustruating thing about stories are that they don’t come out the way they were concieved. In my head, it wasn’t even written from Deb’s POV, she could see him, they had had encounters and several other things. It came out this way (mistakes n all) and i am actually glad, cos It gives me a rope with which I could spin another tale…See? all things worketh for my good…hehehe…

    Like a serene river, you say…Whoa!..that means quite a lot, coming from you. Thanks a lot…$ß

  30. @guywriterer..

    First of all, Thanks 4 reading and taking the time to spot the weak spots.

    Ehen, about the ‘fakeness’ of the name. Is Mercy Johnson’s name fake?..Rivers people bear such names…Evans, briggs, pepple, whyte, clark are Surnames you would get there…

    And the conversation feels contrived? Hehehe…and most people seem to like it, guess it’s just You…Does it feel contrived because they talk about spooning and forking? Or because there are very few ‘pidgin’ words in it?..Well, you can safely assume that this couple are totally ‘ajeborized’ but in a good way…Think, ‘I went to the best schools in nigeria’ kind of ajebotas…lol.

    About the wet patch, you would notice in the descriptions, that the word ‘undisturbed’ is used to describe the place where she sees the wet patch..It would mean that even in her sleep, she didn’t roll to that part to give it the ‘slept on’ look. I admit though that this key part seems unclear. I hope 2 clarify things with a sequel when I have the time.

    You were confused about the little girl because even Nel didn’t interfere btw her and the girl ba?..Well he knew she could handle it..What was one small girl huh?…I must ask you though, Why didn’t you accept the mum’s explanation that she was recieving treatment for acute malaria..Maybe you didn’t know but acute malaria does come with hallucinations in some pple..That wasn’t clear too ba?..

    And the bad plot, …I just wanted to write a ‘Happily NEVER after’ story..hehehe…
    The punctuation errors i tried to edit when i saw it but smhw i couldn’t. Plus writing and editing a story on a phone isn’t easy and there is bound to be a mix -up especially btw commas and periods..That doesn’t excuse me though..

    It isn’t compelling?..well, Different folks, different strokes…I liked writing it though, so sorry it wasn’t good enough for you.

    Glad that U at least think that for a premiere, it barely passed..You have little idea what your half mark means to me…

    And Yes, I know I can do much better…that is a given isn’t it?….Thanks Gboyega…I appreciate the time you took to point out the flaws….God bless.

    1. Nice way to take criticism. Keep this up.

    2. Nice explanations. Ok, so Evans can be a Rivers name. I didn’t consider that. That kind of detail should be in the story. We know her husband is Igbo (Lionel Eze), so why not let us know where she is from?

      As for the wet patch, still not feeling it. And as for the little girl, are you saying what she saw was a hallucination and there was really no crying man there?

      In summary, all I’m saying is your story is muddled. And that is not good. The core is ok, but the telling of it needs reworking.

  31. Ha! Thank God you weren’t taken away from us oh…
    The thing is that the category you chose to start with, is a very difficult one to pull off cuz it’s where the mother of fiction resides. The writer would have to make it somehow believable to the readers. And to do that the MC would have to be probed well in every aspect (psychologically, physically, emotionally etc), and the scenes will have to be crafted meticulously to give the reader a false reality, hence my call for paying attention to details. Eg you should have stated in the story through the MC that she didn’t know how uncle vita got to the scene or if he’d been moving with them you leave an indication that he was etc, s/th like that, with that the reader is carried along.
    Your dialogue was ok. If not for anything it’s the kind of things you would say, so it’s kinda genuine…
    Visit here for useful info on how to write fiction. It helped me.

  32. Me like it,me really love it. I like the twist at the end of the story….one mement they are happy and gay and ready to start their new life and the next ,it all vanished. great story.

  33. Bubbllinna this is good. Especially the parts away from the bedroom. I like some the way you wove those naughty actions into the story…and the fact that they were getting married did temper them. So much has been said already but I will still go ahead and shoot some technical critique.

    “The thought of him makes me blush, ahh; the things we did in dreamland not so long ago…” I think you should replace the comma before ‘ahh’ with a full stop and the semi-colon after, with a comma or an ellipsis so it reads this way: “The thought of him makes me blush. Ahh…the things we did in dreamland not so long ago…”

    “…and I feel heat spread through me; this usually happens when I think of the things I want to do to and with him.” For me this sentence is not eloquent enough. ‘I feel heat spread through me’, kinda comes across as informal speech. In the context of this sentence also, “this usually happens…” is also not so eloquent. Why not: “I feel some heat spread through me” or “I feel some pleasant heat spread through me” or “and I feel the pleasing heat that spreads through me whenever I think of the things I want to do with him–and to him.”

    ”Patience, girl. You’ll have him for the rest of your life to do with as you please starting tonight.” I think you need a comma after ‘please’

    “There on the undisturbed part of the bed is a wet patch which looks as though one sat on it with wet shorts”. This also doesn’t seem eloquent enough. Also using ‘one’ is not very appropriate since you are not part of the sample of people who might have sat on the wet spot. Why not: “There, on the undisturbed part of the bed, is a wet patch which looks as though someone sat on that spot with wet shorts”. The punctuation and choice of words used here makes it clearer.

    “This isn’t the time or day to concern myself with demystifying ’lesser’ matters; I reason, picking my ringing phone off the bed. I look at the screen; disconnect the call, and move towards the door.” The two semi-colons here are not necessary. Both sentences can be written thus: “This isn’t the time or day to concern myself with demystifying ’lesser’ matters”, I reason, picking my ringing phone off the bed. I look at the screen, disconnect the call, and move towards the door.”

    “…as I rub my arms vigorously to dispel the cold and swing my feet off the bed; to the ground, slipping off my robe and nightgown.” I also think the semi-colon here should be replaced with a comma.

    “It works; my chakra, I mean because the pastor wraps up the sermon and beckons on us to come forward.” Consider rewriting this way: “It works–my chakra I mean–because the pastor wraps up the sermon and beckons on us to come forward.”

    “It is from a little girl who runs up the aisle, hot on her young heels is a woman that I think is her mother.” the comma after aisle should be replaced by a fullstop.

    “…the eyes in the crowd that looks on approvingly,”. I think ‘eyes’ should go with ‘look’ not ‘looks’

    “It’s not just the eyes in the crowd that looks on approvingly, the grateful eyes of a distant cousin who emerges clutching the bouquet or the loving looks in Nel’s eyes, it is something more sinister and it fills me with dread.” Why not rephrase this as: “It’s not just the eyes in the crowd that look on approvingly–the grateful eyes of a distant cousin who emerges clutching the bouquet or the loving looks in Nel’s eyes–it is something more sinister and it fills me with dread.” I have used the dash here because what it bounds would confuse the reader if it is only separated by commas.

    “Nel, always in sync with my feelings.” I think the comma should be replaced with an ellipsis.

    “…he bends down and take my lips in his”. ‘bends’ should go with ‘takes’

    “…and then her eyes widens as realization”. ‘eyes’ should go with ‘widens’

    Nice one girl. There is no end to learning. Lets keep doing poetry and prose…and well so!

  34. In a presentation, speech and or stuff like this,
    it’s unwell to preempt ones bad. Just give it out
    and see what the audience gives in.

    You are good, and come to think of it
    the best is in you!

  35. @ablyguy…I really do appreciate all the things U pointed out to make things better in dis piece…I am glad that I put this up….now it gets better. . . lol yeah, I would say some things like the bride does..
    Where am I to visit for d info?..Naijastories? Abi na anoda place..tell me o cos I want to get better…Thanks.

  36. @hafsah18….thanks dearie..You get what I tried to show…how happiness can be lost in a twinkling..

    But wait o, reread the story. Did i ever say that Nel died?..hmmm…Thanks 4 reading dear. $ß

  37. @chemokopi…I knew that Naijastorians would scrutinize the crap out of this piece and make it better, that’s why I put it up…See? Y’all didn’t dissappoint…and am happy 4 dat…

    In reply to all the technical errors you spotted, I am saying Thanks den I’m gon send that request…Then you would teach me, about punctuations and all…God bless U jare…$ß

    1. You are very welcome! My humble advice is available anytime. Best of luck in your prosaic growth.

  38. @ostar…I couldn’t agree more with you…And with an audience lyk naijastories…We are sure that they ll give their best…ain’t we?..

    Thanks Ostar 4 ur kind words…It’s for me to bring out the best in me, and I intend to do just that….$ß

  39. Deep story , you portrayed the tragedy well , and your description made the scenes easy to imagine. On the other hand, I don’t really see the relationship between the “crying little girl or man” and the unfortunate incident/accident at the end. You didn’t really bring closure to that aspect , so even though I expected something unfortunate to happen at the end, because of the bad omen , I did not feel a sense of closure as I could not see how the “crying little girl or man” was responsible for the accident. If you’re going to write a sequel , I suggest you address this “crying man” topic first. I feel the “early morning chills” and “uneasiness” within her would have been enough signs that something dreadful was going to happen (again pointing out the issue with the “crying girl omen”)

    Also , the last section. You described the driver of the vehicle as “Nel’s cousin” in the second-to-the-last section , then in the last section, you stated his name David. I found it a little bit confusing, I had to read it twice to get a hang of it. When you’re writing a critical section like your last section, make sure all the main characters involved are properly introduced, so that the reader has to focus mainly on the event that is about to happen, and not worry about who is who — it can be distracting.

    You really portrayed an excited couple very anxious about their honeymoon. And although you did not state it explicitly , it is so obvious that it was going to be their “first time”, should the accident not have happened :( ..eya.

    Aside from that, I think your story is great. Permit my long analysis , only a good story can get that. I am also working on a romantic tragedy, and honestly, I learned from your write-up.

    Great work @sibbylwhyte , keep them coming.

    I just want to know , why did you choose March 16th 2016 ?? ….lol

    1. As an African, I suppose the relationship between the “little girl and the crying man” is purely juju. There is a relationship we are not pribileged to see.

  40. This is a great story. The suspense was strong enough to hurry me along to the end. Its conclusion has a myth that helps strengthens the reader’s immagination.

  41. @sibbylwhyte

    Bubbllinna!!

    Bubbllinna!!

    Bubbllinna!!

    How many times did I call you?

    I must confess
    by your prose I’m impressed
    the subject you addressed
    of a bride in gory distress
    so sad the matrimony came to rest
    on the bloody street she’s rendered groom-less

    Seriously Bubblymama…You didnt do bad at all for a first attempt at prose. Apart from all the little technicalities here and there that need to be addressed, you caught your audience nicely with the engaging description of the events as they progressed to the wedding.

    However, I felt the accident scenario where the car was hit could have been more powerfully described. You made it sound like it was a minor brush of two vehicles.

    What can I say? Keep writing prose! You’ve got something there and I know you’ll definitely get better at it. I don’t think so, I know so!

    well done girl.

  42. @aghoghosam….Thanks, I appreciate your long analysis. I am going to write that sequel and I just have to adress that issue…with evry comment, i learn a new thing…Now I know it’s best that there is an intro of some sorts that tells a character’s name so i dnt confuse d readers..

    You learnt from this?…Whoa! Now that’s really cool and I am grinning lyk a birthday girl….Thanks jare..

    Oh d date…I wrote dis story on March 16th, just fast-forwarded d years, so it wld rhyme wt d day….I appreciate you taking your time…God bless.

  43. @sontel…Oh sontel, you made me smile…I like how you took d story at face value…enjoyed it and even found a co-relation btw the crying girl and man, as the african man you are…God bless you for that…Thanks for liking..

    1. Thank you. I suppose you should be working on the second part now, because I do not immagine you leaving that beautiful and audacious lady in the middle of the road. Having brought her that far, you have a responsibility to take her home. You could may be find the “crying man” for her now that the finger with the wedding ring is lost.

  44. @afronuts
    Oh Nutty!..You couldn’t help the poetry huh?

    …Yea, i felt too that I didn’t do so well with that part…But I didn’t render any body groomless o…I never said he died, he was just bloodied na…

    Thanks Nutty…for the vote of confidence..You have no idea what it means to me..$ß.

  45. @sontel…I ain’t so heartless, i’ll take her home…Maybe i ll just find the finger with the ring so she can keep as a momento…hehehe…Thanks.

    1. This lady looks quite interesting. If I were a character in your story, I’d like to be the next man on the line. Thank you.

      1. prof Nigeria how are you today?

  46. Hmmm..@sontel..well, well, well… you should send your ‘statistics’ so I can model the next dude after you…hehehe.

    1. Don’t bother yourself. Thank you.

      1. @sontel..Oh well *shrugs* I looked forward to using you.

        1. Whatever you do, be sure my wedding does not end on the flyover bridge, like her first one did.

  47. Wow Bubbly baby…you totally bubbled on this one. When i saw the title, i thought someone crashed a wedding (as in gate-crashing) but you just blew me away with the story. Captivating i must say…kudos

    1. @lynda..Oh sister dearest, glad that you liked the story…Thanks a lot…

  48. Interesting piece the story held my gaze. Welldone missy B. Sounds very mature far 4rm an amateur

    1. @victoria..Thanks a lot Toria, i appreciate the kind words..Glad that you liked the story. Bless you…$ß

  49. pretty…..can’t wait for the sequel….pls, dont hold back….

    1. @eimehy…thanks for reading and commenting…we will see about the not holding back…$ß.

  50. this is so totally on point.gosh!!!!!!.gosh BUBBLINNNA.well done.lets have more please.

  51. Did you have to kill him? Wonderful first try.

  52. @jonnysnow…Well…*shrugs*…I dunno…hehehe…Thanks for checking this out…Appreciate…$ß.

  53. @empresewande…thanks a lot for reading n commenting..Will put up more soon..Thanks…$ß.

  54. sweet heart never start a story by telling people they are free to criticize because whether you do or not they will surely react. NS is a forum for learning, you do your bit others do their bit and a great story comes out. if you are scared of the public then it were better you did not bother writing but i know you are bold finally good thinking- good product to borrow a bit from the Japs.

  55. @mikeefa…Thanks for the ‘advice’…Ummm…I had a reason for putting that bit up there…And yes, I do know well enough how NS works, but then again, not everyone reads and comments thereafter…thanks for dropping by.

  56. Thanks Magic.

  57. You have a power for telling a gripping story. I was held spellbound till the very last line…my heart pounding.
    I think the ending is perfect…leave the rest to the reader’s imagination…and leave him mulling over the story long after he has read it.
    Keep writing prose..u gud at it

  58. @topazo…Thanks a lot bro..will try my bestest, so help me God…$ß

    1. Aiiish! How did I miss this? Forgive the late reply @janeiwenofu.
      I am glad you liked it, really glad.
      I will keep writing. So help me God and muses.

  59. Hello Bubblina, you did an awesome job with this story. I love romantic stories and you told a great love story here. It is so captivating. I couldnt stop reading till the end. Never stop writing cause you have a gift.

    Jane

  60. One more thing. I love the mystery surrounding the story…the jitters and something that just didnt feel right at the beginning are all a prelude to what happens at the end of the story. The other mystery is surrounding the girl who warned her not to get married because the other man is crying. Perhaps she had a jealous ex partner that wanted to ruin the wedding. Who knows? All in all an interesting story indeed

    1. Mmmuah! @janeiwenofu. I like that you really liked this story. I may consider writing another love story, cos of you… The girl was like a seer.

  61. Gripping story. For a first time this is good! Maybe I start listening to my muse. Pick up my pen and write. I totally enjoyed it.

    1. @titilola. Please pick up your pen and write! I am glad you liked it enough for your muse to awaken. Thanks for dropping by.

  62. The tale of this story comes to mind again… Nice one.
    Well done Sibbyl. Well done on all. It still echoes.

    1. @sueddie. Thanks dear. I reread it now and couldn’t help smiling too.

  63. Aah! Long time o…Gboyega, got it. Some descriptions are not needed…my opinion of course.
    Thank God, muddled or not, it was gotten by some. Anyway, this is from a long time ago… I doubt you still prowl the walls of NS. Lol.

  64. @sibbylwhyte; The air of premonition about the story keeps me reading to the end. Nice job SB. Have a little problem with the tittle though. Its like a spoiler. Kinda pre-emptive.

  65. True @peverx. Now I think of it, the title I wanted was Wedding Crasher like gatecrasher.
    Anyway, glad you read on.
    Thanks a lot.

  66. why am I just seeing this. This is coming from a master word-carver……….

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