iSwear

iSwear

Swearing is a sign of a limited vocabulary. Don’t look at me, I didn’t spill that baloney! It was some actor in a movie trailer I saw. Apparently you already know on which side of the fence I am. I’m so $@%#! far on this side of the $@%#! fence that I can’t even see the $@%#! fence anymore. Let’s $@%#! admit it, if we are going to be $@%#! honest, swearing makes communication a lot more intimate if you know what I mean. There are even things you can’t express adequately without swearing. Some of my favourite films feature the most grandiose and exquisite cuss words that it’d be a travesty to see all swearing disappear. I mean, just imagine a typical Guy Ritchie film without swearing. Did you try? Somehow like trying not to think about anything at all, which is impossible because you’d be concentrating on keeping a blank mind… which is impossible.

I’m not saying swearing is holy or anything and should be actively encouraged or injected into our school curricula. Actually that’s exactly what I’m saying. It is a necessary evil and like all evils (albeit necessary), it is so much fun. Like smoking and drinking and doing coke. OK, maybe I’m pushing it with the cocaine bit but you get the idea. Swearing might even be said to be healthy as nothing gets rid of all the pent up anger and aggression than a good staccato of cuss words. Allow me to demonstrate…

Suppose you are a detective and you’ve been on the trail of a serial rapist/killer (whose last victim is someone close to you) for seven years and after a string of lucky breaks, you finally apprehend him. Suppose he doesn’t give you an excuse to accidentally discharge your firearm, execution style, between his eyes and he makes it through trial and gets convicted and sentenced. Suppose you visit him the next day in prison. You’re definitely not gonna say to him: “It gladdens my heart tremendously to finally see you behind bars for all the despicable crimes you have committed, you bad, bad man. I hope you spend the rest of your days thinking about all the terrible things you’ve done to all those poor girls. Sir, it is no less than you deserve, you vile soulless human being.” That is balderdash! Being the psychopath that he is, this nancy pansy speech would have probably made his day. Maybe even his week.

A proper red-blooded human being would stare into his eyes and hold them, then he would say: “Look here you mother$@%#!ing son of a $#*^%! Personally, I think this state consists of a bunch of spineless tree-huggers for not endorsing a death sentence, but in your twisted $@%#!ing case, I am delirious with $@%#!ing joy. I helped put in prison many of the new friends you’re going to make in here. They’re psychos too and ^&%#@s like you, who can’t have a normal sexual appetite, set them into early heat. I hope you get $@%#!ed up your $@%#!ing $%^$^# everyday of your miserable life till you need to wear diapers on account of your collapsed sphincters. I hope you never get $@%#!ing suicidal and endure this for years and $@%#!ing years till one day you die slowly in a pool of your own $@%#!ing vomit and the last thing you see is my face and you remember that I put your mother$@%#!ing $%^$^# in here.”

Someone who understood perfectly everything that I was saying is probably more perverse than I am and seeing as I am on the edge, he’s definitely off it and may need to get psychoanalyzed. A person whose speech would have been more like the first example should be shot through the left temple and if he’s as $@%#!ed up as I think, in spite of rigor mortis, he’ll turn the other cheek.

Swearing is a part of human nature. It is no use fighting it because if you provoke the pope enough, he’d scream at you to $@%#!ing leave him the $@%#! alone. When you’re all riled up, it is the hardest thing not to swear. It’s harder than riding a unicycle with one ear out of commission. If an area boy shouts at you and you say “I warn you my friend, I’m a black belt holder,” he’ll probably give you a black eye before you finish that sentence. But if you had said “I will $@%#!ing $@%#! you up so badly that even your mother won’t $@%#!ing recognize you,” he’ll probably let you finish and may even wait a few more seconds before hitting you and he won’t hit too hard, just in case.

So is swearing a sign of a limited vocabulary? I don’t think so. If you pick up a dictionary and count all the words with the exclamation sign that denotes a vulgarity or taboo, you’d agree that swearing might actually be a sign of a rich vocabulary. Especially when you consider that those are only the words that are in the dictionary.



9 thoughts on “iSwear” by vescucci (@vescucci)

  1. Guy. You obviously are a Nigerian writer who does not write for Nigerians. It’s not a problem – as far as I’m concerned. I’m just saying.

    I love this shit! I love it seriously. I mean, I agree with you die. I mean, imagine telling a girl this:

    “Please, get out of my house.”

    Now, compare that with this:

    “Please, get the fuck out of my house.”

    Which one do you think she’ll most likely listen to?

    I particularly hate censored songs/albums…where they bleep out the curse words. That blunts the effect sometimes.

    I curse; simply because there are some things you cannot express without cursing.

    Nice.

    1. Thanks @seun-odukoya. I #&$( appreciate it.

    2. lol…I can imagine you using curse word before elders in ur family…the shock on their face as they watch you commit vocabulary blasphemy

  2. lol!

    This one na interesting yet controversy evoking topic….

    Imagine you reading this at a church seminar…

  3. I do not see any good in using swear words. Vulgarity reduces people in my sight.
    Swearing is not a part of human nature. If you look around, only very few people swear and they always look guilty and embarrassed when they do. A lot of people use swear words just because they like the sound and because they have no idea what the curse words mean, and because they think its tough.
    Decency is always preferable.

    So this your opinion is nonsense.

  4. Looool. Quaker @kaycee. It’s just jokes. Anything I post under funny is not to be taken seriously at all

  5. Hehehehe…I like them sha, make I no lie. Though I can’t use them.

    Nice

  6. In spite of the writer’s idiosyncracies as exhibited, I like the story-line…

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