How I wan take talk am? The Cry of a Househelp

Dat morrin as I wan baff na so I dey put ear for dis babe music, Omawunmi, dat song wey she sing say, ‘If you ask me, na who I go ask?’ My madam don comot tey tey and I know say before she go come back e go still tey, so I say before I baff make I carry my body go upstairs for her and oga room. E get one fine white trouser wey she buy and I be one go taste am because I hear say person yansh dey come out well well for white trouser especially if you no wear pant or you wear g-string. Before I go continue my tori make I talk about my madam and oga dem.

My Madam: She no too good, she no too bad. Sometimes when I go market come back late, she no go even send me. She go just talk say, “Ehen, I know you went to see your boyfriend. Thank God you didn’t stay too long. Now hurry into the kitchen, my baby would soon be back.”

And sometimes when I wash clothes and the ting still get small stain, she go talk say, “You are too dirty Mary, sometimes I wonder if your undies are even clean”; and the annoying ting be say na infront of oga she go shout the whole ting so tey my oga come dey look me one kain.

My Oga: He no too good, he no too bad. Na to dey blow grammer up and down like say im be professor, but I hear say im no even finish unifersity say as im papa die, d guy jus use im papa money push im business so tey the business come grow yakata, now my oga na big man. The man no dey eye me o, na jus jeje all of us be for house.

Myself: Eferibodi know say I be cool babe. I no dey like wahala, na only to dey wish say one day I go be like my madam. I go get housemaid full ground. One go dey wash my clothes, another one go dey iron my clothes, another one go dey cook my food and the last one go dey go market, abi wetin man pickin want again for this world?

So make I continue my tori. As I enter dem madam room, I jus go straight to the wardrobe because I no wan waste time. I rush comot my wrapper, come wear the trouser. Omo men, if you see as the ting fine for my body ehn, you go wan tief me! Na as I dey comot the trouser na im I hear person dey come the room side. Omo, see as I dive enter the wardrobe, even Jackie Chan for give me award. The door open and as I hear my oga voice dey talk with im phone, e be like say dem pour cold water for my body, wetin I go talk say I dey do for dia room?

“Yes, it’s fine. I was thinking we could go for that art exhibition taking place at the art gallery.”

I no know wetin the pesin reply am but I hear as im laff.

“No, Tunde. I am married and you know I wouldn’t stray. If you bring that lady over to the exhibition, I may persuade wifey to come with me and that could be quite unpleasant for the lady and yourself. Quit trying to make me fall man, I wouldn’t do anything to hurt my wife. Look I’m going to put you on the speaker because I want to take off my clothes”

Chei, Oga abeg no comot your cloth, abeg! God where you dey? But e be like say even God dey use me play as my oga comot im cloth finish come even mess on top.

“You are crazy men! Why would you fart like that with me on speaker?” The voice from the phone ask my oga.

“Really, that’s a ridiculous question. I can do whatever I want in my house. Moreover I am alone.”

Abeg Oga you no dey alone o, no mess again abeg. Kai! The mess smell no be small. Shey na de food wey I dey cook dey make oga mess smell like this?

“Hey man, I’ve got to go. I want to have my bath and freshen up before wifey comes home. We’ll talk later.”

My oga cut the call come enter bathroom. I manage come outside as I say make I look for my wrapper wey I throw inside wardrobe wen oga dey come, na im one big abarra land for my back.

“So this is what you and my husband do, when I am not around?!”

All my body shock and piss nearly comot as I bin hear madam voice for my back. Una don forget say I no wear pant and my yansh jus chook outside as I bin wan bend down carry my wrapper. As I turn face madam, I jus weak because I know no how I wan take talk am. Make una helep me!



96 thoughts on “How I wan take talk am? The Cry of a Househelp” by enoquin (@enoquin)

  1. Hmm, Enoquin…….

    1. hmm Eletrika…

  2. This was too funny…you had me up in stitches; laughing like i lost my mind…good one!

    1. Tank u jare Chetachi. But wetin be funny matter for you na serious matter for me. Help talk how I wan take talk am abeg.

  3. This Mary go kill me with laughter o, God help her!

    They say yanga dey sleep, shakara go wake am.

    1. Myne, you fit dey laff but na to throw advice na im Mary want. Laff small small o, tank u jare for reading

  4. How she wan take talk am my sis? How Oga sef wan take talk am.
    Good, good one.
    loved it.

    1. Thank you jare osakwe. I no know how pesin wan take talk dis kain ting. Ordinary ting wey no suppose turn to this kain kwanta

  5. lol.nice one. i sort of guessed it wud unfold tht way sha…or maybe the oga will come out and catch her n then who knows…

    1. Madam stelzz guesser. Since you guess how the story take form, abeg tell me wetin go happen next…lol. Thanks for reading

  6. Perfect post-crime scene with all the evidences are in place. Oga’s freshening up after a quick one. Mary’s trying to sort herself out stark NAKED!

    Omo this one na Im-pli-ca-tion!!! lollll!

    1. Gbabe! you understand every. This kain implication na bad ting o. Thank you ore me!

  7. And yelz, I forgot to say, Nice One.

  8. Simply hilarious! I enjoyed reading it.

    About the title, “How I wan take talk am?” would have sufficed. IMO.

    1. Dear Rhema, that was my title, I guess admin added the last part. I’m glad you enjoyed it

  9. Dat madam self she for wait small naw. So u fit comot make her husband no come see u like dat, come d eye u.

    1. Abi o jor-el, I for don comot quick quick if she no take come back. Nobody for know wetin happen

  10. Ewo!
    Laff wan kill me O°˚˚˚!
    This enoquin person seff, I go start to reason your matter.

    1. Kaycee! Na my matter you wan reason abi Mary matter? Pesin dey trouble, you wan come reason my own matter, okay o. Thank you sha as you take gbadun the tori

  11. And English wouldn’t have done this story justice at all. Pidgin said it best!

  12. Lwkmdfh ooooo. Chai. Dis kine tori, i never see o. Pepper don red for the babe. Aw she go take talk am¿¿ Make the man jx call the friend back make d madam hear from am den she fit take the house babe go hospital, make them check wether she do………. Just 2 clarify the doubt she’ll be having..
    Nice one. Im still laughing o

    1. So @gooseberry, na pepper you wan make the babe see. Na solution be that abi na to pour more kerosene inside fire? Na wa o. Dey laff dey go, nothing do you.

  13. Could not stop laughing all thru!! Kaycee is correct, English would not have done this story any justice…
    Good stuff… in the spirit of being an Oliver, part 2 go dey?

    1. Abeg stop the lafta smal help dis babe think of solution. Part 2 fit dey if i hear the kain solution wey you wan give for this matter

  14. Enoquin,
    You do well. The tory sweet o. The whole thing come K-leg. If I be Mary, I go look for window. Make I jump out quick before Madam hand touch me. As I dey think am, the whole thing get smell of home trouble. She go need one Baba to wash her head sharp sharp :)

    1. Yejide na true you talk say you go look for window? So make Mary come break her head abi you don forget say na upstais she dey? And e be like say you know how to dey go baba well well, you fit escort am go?

    2. Yejide na true you talk say you go look for window? So make Mary come break her head abi you don forget say na upstairs she dey? And e be like say you know how to dey go baba well well, you fit escort am go?

      1. Abeg no spoil my good name o. I no sabi any baba. Na mama i know. lol And why I go follow am go? Na me send am go do fashion parade? Next when she see white trouser, she go run. If dey dash am sef, she go return am :)

  15. Enoquin, I just have this to say:

    Hahahahaha!!!

    Hehehehehehe!!!!

    Hihihihihihihi!!!!

    Hohohohohoho!!!!!

    And this:

    20 points to you!

    1. In fact, @Enoquin, I would like to see a series of stories of this housegirl. I tell you, you could be on to a winner here!

    2. Dis your lafta sef, e get as e be. if i say the lafta no give me goosepimples na lie i dey lie. Thank you for your points jare. Make I do series of stories? Make I first consult my ancestors.

  16. Well done Enoquin… You made my day…lol….ha…lol…lol

    1. Petra dis ur lafta dey hiccup abi wetin? Jeje o

    2. Petra dis your lafta get hiccup. Jeje o

  17. this tory badt gan… hehehehehehehehehehehehehe

    1. e bad gan abi? thank u o

  18. You know how sometimes you read just to see how it ends? Well, it wasn’t the case with this story. Got me hooked from the beginning, I’m not a critique and if I were, I wouldn’t change a thing. It wasn’t rushed or overly detailed, the pidgin was a good call, totally on point! I really liked it!

    1. Thank you Derin. Your comment has my small akwaibomite head swelling.

  19. Hahahahahahahah! Enoquin the tori sweet die, you don give me opposite of chloroquine. I been dey think sey na the husband go see am. As for the help, that one pass me oh.

    1. Wetin come be the opposite of chloroquine? Abi you wan use english scatter my brain. Why dat one go take pass you, so na so you go just leave the poor girl hanging? Thank you sha!

  20. Wow, I finally stopped laughing to drop a comment, very hilarious piece, crazy character, guess she was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

    1. Wrong place o. Thank you for reading jare…

      1. You are welcome jor, will be on the lookout for you now, you are one hell of a writer

        1. Omo you don’t need to see me right now, my head has swollen to thrice its normal size. See what your compliment has caused

  21. yeeepa,see kasala abeg. Your own mata no concern me too much,how the poor man wey no even do anything go take explain to madam na? chei…
    Lovely writeup jare, the pidgin gives it a good Naija cum Waffy flavour, thumbs up

    1. My dear, help me see kasala o. So my own no concern you, na only my oga own? Chei!
      Thank you for reading joor.

    2. My dear @abbey316, help me see kasala o. So my own no concern you, na only my oga own? Chei!
      Thank you for reading joor.

      1. Ehen now,na your oga I dey pity bcos the worst your madam go do to you na im she don do-give you abara for back. You know how may weeks that poor man go take dey on sanction from the family bed? Even when he return to the family bed, if he wan touch madam she go do “abeg,abeg,abeg…dey your lane o…”lol

        1. First of all, my madam no sabi speak pidgin so she no fit talk “dey for your lane o”. But wetin concern me with oga, na my own palava still dey my head, if e like self make madam deny am e no concern me, na me need help.

        2. @Abbey316: First of all, my madam no sabi speak pidgin so she no fit talk “dey for your lane o”. But wetin concern me with oga, na my own palava still dey my head, if e like self make madam deny am e no concern me, na me need help.

  22. HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Nsogbu!!!!!!

    1. Dey there dey laff you hear?

  23. @enoquin, all I want to ask is, when is part 2? :)

    1. Myne, would have to consult Mary o. That girl is as slippery as an eel and has to be treated with caution. I told her people are getting interested in her story and she asked for ‘ego’ before telling me more…lol

  24. Oh SHHHHHHHH.

    Oh NOOOOOOO.

    E don happen.

    1. Nothing don happen, no cari your fear put for Mary mind abeg

  25. How come this is drawn more comments that Ada Okwy’s “Abortion…” 53 comments against 48 comments”.

    Lets see who wins the race..for Featured Writer for December..Time will tell

    1. See wahala o. se cool fm and wazobia na the same? Na competition you come open for here abi na to comment? na wa o, make i go read the abortion self.

      1. Hahahaha! Epic comeback!

  26. LOL !…now you’ve put a picture in my head I can hardly remove…lol!

    Nice piece.

    1. Try commot the picsure, help me look for solution abeg. Thank you jare

  27. At last Enoquin’s family broke the records of past Featured Writers..

  28. @Enoquin: Just reading this. You are so crazy! If you wan talk am, start from the fact say you see oga where im pull im cloth. As madam don see ur nakedness, oga don see am be that unto say the two na one flesh. So two of una don see something. make una settle una self…

    1. @Onyeka: you bad o, so instead make you help me find solution na to pour fuel inside fire wey i wan try stamp

  29. I had to read this after reading your interview as ‘Featured Writer for December’, this is actually the first story I am commenting on since my “comeback” and I am pretty impressed with the effort @Enoquin, you connected well with your audience and got everyone to love your work, that is a mark of brilliance and I commend and appreciate it, well done!!!!

    1. @Scopeman: Thank you. You sound like one of those judges on Project Fame or those kind of competitions ” Well done Kenneth, you used the stage quite well and got the audience to totally feel the song without you having to lose control of your song”. Don’t mind me o, I am quite humbled…

      1. haha, typical, but scopeman’s on point.

  30. Wahala!!! Dead end.

    1. @Igwe: Dead end indeed, how can a part two possibly come out of this?

  31. Gbam!!! You don enteram. lol. Welldone.

    E go good make you quick sabi wetin you go talk o. Part 2 please!!!

    1. Thank you ayalla…you do well

  32. LMAO! Poor innocent Oga. How he wan take comot from d wahala dis Mary girl put am now?
    I fit help am do witness for madam to believe him o. I dey dia, na for my korokoro eye e take happen. Na Mary dey guilty. Oga is innocent, dischared and acquitted.

    1. @Lade, you funny o. How you take dey dia abi you be winch? Shuo, e mean say you don follow do bad ting, ur own be say you see two naked people…

  33. lovely one, especially the pidgin flow.

    Well done!!!

    1. Enoquin,You have done really well. Nice one!

  34. YEPA………………. kai, Aunty Enoquin, kai, kai, I don laff tire. I DON LAFF LAFF LAFF TIRE TIRE TIRE!!! This girl, you are something else oh! Not just the story sef, even all ur comments..kai, my stomach is ready to burst from laughing…ahn ahn! I was laughing so much sef, everybody around was lookin at me as if dis one don dey craze ni……chai. Your story is EXCELLENT!
    Na wa for dis kain housegirl sef. See as white trouser cause wahala…abeg Aunty Enoquin, I’m kneeling down, abeg, Part 2 NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. @Gboyega, uncle?! Why you go dey call me aunty na? No come make am be like i too old abeg… I like as you take like the tori. Thank you…na you biko

  35. no be small thing o…..,No be small thing o…This one na laughter galore….where the part two dey.no break my hand o.

    1. na small thing joor, no let my heart dey fear. Part 2 suppose dey?

  36. Shun, d tori deserve the accolades joor. U do well my sister. Featured Writer. Gbam!

    1. Thank you jare my bros

  37. @enoquin, this is the second time I’m reading this story. The first time I read this story my friend sent it to me as a message on my blackberry messenger, I couldn’t help laughing. Truly if she ask me na who I go ask cos dis matter heavy for mouth. And behold, here I am again with how I wan take talk am. My dear, d only tin wey go save u na to pray say cctv camera dey dat house if not…

    Well done my dear, you don talk am finished.

    1. I would be telling a nig lie if i say your comment didn’t make me feel all warm and mushy inside and that’s not an emotion that comes easily to me. Thank you

  38. I would be telling a big lie if i say your comment didn’t make me feel all warm and mushy inside and that’s not an emotion that comes easily to me. Thank you

  39. No talk any thing, bcause madam no go believe.

  40. I never knew pidgin english can be so interesting to read…well done

    I’m not a good speaker though but i’m a good reader of pidgin english..the story was ended when i just started enjoying it.i wish it had been longer

  41. LOL……
    DIS IS SUPER HILARIOUS!!!!!!

  42. I don laf taya!
    Ah… if na me na how I for take talk am?
    Na wa o!

  43. hhhmmmm! excellent. a sweet deviation from the usual. not infidelity, please fire on.

  44. funny and suspenseful story

  45. HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiLARIOUS

  46. @enoquin
    Oh, na how I wan take talk am………
    Nice piece jare…………

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