God Bless The Day I Met You: 1

“…Swept away on a wave of emotion. Over-caught in the eye of the storm. And whenever you smile. I can hardly believe that you’re mine. Believe that you’re mine. This love is Unbreakable. It’s unmistakable.” She sang at the top of her voice, overshadowing the song emanating from the radio speakers. “O Westlife!” She said with a huge smile on her face. Lara Saura was a fine specimen of a woman; a woman of class and style. At the age of 28, Lara had it going for her. Her father, a big oil tycoon, was a wise man. He had set up his only daughter, Lara, for a fast-tracked career placing her in a field dominated by men, the Information Technology field. This way, he figured, as a beautiful woman with brains, she would gain loads of favour from men. He was right. Lara Saura was the face of Information Technology in the country. Whilst in the university, during her summer breaks, she would work in various companies and take several certification exams. She was still writing her final exams when companies were falling over themselves to have her work for them. Lara Saura is a star. It intrigued the world that a woman, who had looks that could win in the Miss World beauty pageant, would choose to be in a male dominated field such as the Information Technology field. But the more amazing thing was; Lara Saura was a genius at what she did.

Lara parked her new non-compact crossover SUV Toyota Matrix, beside the fuel pump at the petrol station. There were no attendants at the pump. Lara waited for about 2 minutes and began tapping her steering in impatience. “This is why these people hardly ever progress in life. They never take their duties and responsibilities seriously. Later they will flood church and start praying. Rubbish!” she exclaimed in exasperation. With that, Lara came out of her car, slammed the door and walked up to the fuel pump. She punched in the number of litres she wanted, pulled out the fuel dispenser, inserted it into her car and started filling her fuel tank by herself.

“This world is a DIY world!!!” she said as she looked from the fuel pump engine and back to her car. “I agree. It is a DIY world. No apologies there.” came the low husky voice from behind her. “How dare you leave your post” Lara started, as she spun around “Don’t you know you can cost…” Her voice trailed off as she froze on the spot. Lara was staring into the most amazing eyes she had ever seen. They were deep, dark and brown and seemed to suck her in. She took a deep gulp as her eyes scanned his face, looking from his well chiselled, clean shaven jaw to his wet, thin, sensual lips. Lara suddenly felt the urge to jump and kiss him. ”Control yourself, Lara Saura” she commanded herself. But, as it were, she disobeyed. “Here lady, can I please relieve you of this burden so as to allow you to seat your pretty self in your car?” The attendant said as he smiled broadly and walked forward to take the fuel pump from Lara’s hand. In doing that, his hand brushed Laras’.  Lara felt weak in her knees. “O my God…! O my God…! What is this? O my God…I am feeling so hot. Lawd ‘av mercy! What is all this perfection in one package? O baby, how beautiful can you possibly get?” Lara screamed in her mind. She could feel it. The rush of butterflies in her belly. The tingly ringing in her ears. The flush in her cheeks. The skipping of her heartbeats. She stepped back as he took the pump from her. She sniffed the air. He smelt of a combination of fresh woody fragrance with a hint of citrus white musk. “Dammmmnnn!!!” She said in a sexy manner, audibly. He arched his broad shoulder up a bit, and looked at her with a coy smile on his face. Lara blushed instantly and stepped into her car in a huff.

She sat behind the steering wheel panting hard. “What will I do? What should I do? I have to do something. I need to do something. Hmmm…I wonder if he is married.” She leaned to her left a bit, looking into her mirror, she sought to catch a glimpse of a ring on his fingers. Not seeing any ring, she smiled. “Good. He’s not. But…maybe he has a girlfriend. Hmmm…it doesn’t matter. I’ll pray my way to breakthrough.”

Lara was still lost in her thoughts when he bent forward and said “That would be 4200naira lady.” He said in a teasing manner. “Yes, yes, I am aware” she said, annoyed at herself for drooling over a man. “What rubbish. I am Lara Saura. I cause men to hit poles.” She thought to herself. “Well, that’s why you are single.” Lara shook her head. “I am betting he will walk up to me and chat me up and ask for my BB-pin or phone number. Any moment from now.” Lara waited for the attendant to come. Finally he began walking up to her car. “YES!!!” He bent and looked Lara straight in her eyes. She had this stupid smile on her face. And then he said, “Lady, you are holding up customers. Do you need help driving out?”

Lara was shocked!

As she drove off she said in anger, “I swear if I see that guy again, I will deal with him. His head is paining him. How dare he say that to me and treat me that way. Rubbish. If I ever see him again, he will see my red eye.” She turned up her radio volume and began singing aloud.

 

Who knew her chance to show him her red eyes would come sooner than expected? Who knew they paths were intertwined?

DIY – Do It Yourself

To be continued…



29 thoughts on “God Bless The Day I Met You: 1” by Sleeicktales (@sleeickstories)

  1. “She was still writing her final exams when companies were falling over themselves to have her work for them. Lara Saura is a star.”

    Tense error. ‘Lara Saura was a star’ (though I wonder why that line is there – you’ve given her quite the build up already)

    “Her voice trailed off as she froze on the spot. Lara was staring into the most amazing eyes she had ever seen. They were deep, dark and brown and seemed to suck her in. She took a deep gulp as her eyes scanned his face, looking from his well chiselled, clean shaven jaw to his wet, thin, sensual lips. Lara suddenly felt the urge to jump and kiss him. ”Control yourself, Lara Saura” she commanded herself. But, as it were, she disobeyed. “Here lady, can I please relieve you of this burden so as to allow you to seat your pretty self in your car?” ”

    I smiled as I read the above paragraph. Calm down na. I feel like this is a teenage girl writing about the first time she fell in love – which is interesting because to all intents and purposes, you are male (I stand corrected).

    My issue with this story so far is it abounds with cliches. I mean absolutely no offense. Honestly, most romance novels have scenes similar to the one above. To stand out, you must write something no one has ever written before; and because every story has been told, the difference has to be in the writing.

    You can write. By layman standards, this is decent. But here, we aspire to be more. Bless you.

    1. yaaaaaayyyyyyy…*smile*
      @seun-odukoya, yes m male…n m so grateful u took out time2 read it n more so2 comment…
      i actually lol-ed when u said ‘Calm down na’…
      I reallie reallie do v loads to learn in order2 even 1st meet NS standards…n then surpass em.
      Thank u once again, @seun-odukoya

    2. #gbam….enuf said. How I wish I’d get u to do dis to some of my stuff. YKY.

  2. @Seun-Odukoya has said it all…that scene is too cliched, reminds me of my secondary school romance-consuming days. It makes the story soooo unreal.

    Also, why are the speeches in bold type? It’s not necessary.

    1. @shadiat…
      pleasure reading ur comment. i guess i wanted2 cause an effect so badly i had2 go ol’ schoolish.
      unnecssary bold type…noted…thank u @shadiat…

  3. Good feedback from Seun and Shadiat. Watch your tenses and make sure all are consistent, and work in their context too. Also the bold type is so unnecessary, when you use words like exclaimed, we get the message. You can also use description, by pointing out the actions of the person talking, like they grabbed their head, jumped off their chair, or hit the table.

    On the gushing teenager, I think it is OK. Remember @Seun-odukoya that it is not about the writer, but about the character.

    1. Thank u so much @Myne…ill stop the bold type thingy…
      m so grateful…

  4. This was worse than what women would write. Leave these kind of romance to ladies.
    The story didn’t ring true at all. It was fine, i was enjoying it till she got to that fuel pump and blah blah. That was also where i stopped reading. I am not the best when it comes to punctuations, but i can tell when a story feels like a lie.
    Write like a man.
    Welcome to NS, you will improve.

    1. hahahahhahahahhaha @kaycee,
      tis either ur out for me cos of my earlier comment or u jst cnt speak appropriately. hmmmm….a third option…u v a very conceited air about u…
      i daresay v not appreciated ur comment…except the welcome bit. *smile*

      Once again @kaycee, pls, I am here to learn and share and after reading ur works, learning from you would do a lot of good to me. Hey, I concede tht u write better than me. Don’t abuse that. Please.

      1. I checked the meaning of conceited. “It means creatively witty.” It has other meanings sha, but na dis one i like.
        Thank you so much for the compliment.
        Go read my comments on other posts. It is nothing personal. I don’t really give a damn about you personally.
        Some other people will stop commenting on your stories if they feel you don’t appreciate, but me, i will not stop. I don’t care. I will ALWAYS tell you exactly what i think of your work. Honestly. No patronizing.The harsher the better. But i will always be truthful.
        I am explaining only because you are new.
        To get any comment at all is privilege.

        1. Well then…m reallie sorry…i misunderstood…sorry bout that…
          Thank u @kaycee

  5. Cliches. Bold typeface. They’ve mentioned those. But let me add paragraphing to it.

    First paragraph is overwhelmingly long. Sentences are lost in a jumble of words. Remember, structuring makes a story easy on the eyes and interesting on the brain.

    Bro, you try. I hate romance stories but I had to read this to know how well you can write. I have not seen the story in this -yet- and the writing really needs to get better. Cliches colour this piece like a splatter of mud on a white garment. Let me list just 5 for you:
    “a fine specimen of a woman”,
    “well chiselled, clean shaven jaw “,
    “looks that could win in the Miss World beauty pageant”,
    “The rush of butterflies in her belly”,
    “The tingly ringing in her ears”,
    “The flush in her cheeks”.

    You will get better, I know that.

    Nice try man.

    1. *shine-teeth*
      thank you so much @banky,
      Paragraphing
      Structuring
      Proper writing…

      mucho gracias amigos…n yes…i surely will improve. Thanks.

  6. Ta! Do NOT continue this tori. I repeat, DO NOT CONTINUE this tori. The days of surreal romance and M&B nonsense have passed, please leave the ladies to concort stories like this oo.

    Anyways, you started really strongly, iLike the way your story flowed. Please free the ladies to do this, or write a more believable story. Lara Saura will NEVER drool the way you expressed. She may like what she saw and decide to stalk him, but what you described is what a teenage girl would do, not a 28 yr old. See why the women would do better?

    Write other genres, or interview girls well before posting. Shalom.

    1. hahaha…i c i c…
      thank u so much @daireeonline…
      m real grateful

  7. Your sense of description is cool but you know something, a 28yr old(that’s many years) would know how to handle this better even if it were a crush.

    1. Thanks @ifiokobong,
      i’ll work harder2 make my stories more believable.
      thank u.

  8. Ai actually enjoyed the story…

    1. O wow
      thank u @katiee…thank u4 enjoying it *smile

  9. nice :) I just love the your acceptance of criticism. absolutely wonderful :)….. keep doing what you do!

    1. hahahahahaha…*smilin* hehehe…thank u @yeniee
      criticisms r most welcome…

  10. yeah I ‘m also surprised you’re a guy ( literally, no offence intended )

    1. *cover-face* i guess thts a compliment right…@Yeniee
      *push-out-chest* *deep voice* M AS MANLY AS THEY COME…
      *smile*

  11. I still think a female wrote this.

    It has a nice build up for a good romance story.

    One good thing is that you can make the second installment better.

    And I am just talking about the story. I don’t know much about formatting, punctuation et al, but enough has been said.

    You have a very nice way of taking correction. Keep writing.

    1. hahahahahhahaha…@jaywriter, i think i want2 tke tht as a compliment…hehehe
      yh…the 2nd installment shdnt v d same complaints right (thtd mean m retarding…’never’)
      m humbled…thank u @jaywriter

  12. @sleeickstories, I love the way u have been accepting criticisms. Frankly, ur story needs it. The first thing I noticed is a disconnect between your setting and your narrative. In Nigeria, people don’t pump fuel into their cars themselves simply bcos the attendant isn’t there. Your story started ringing untrue from that point.
    Your protagonist is 28yrs old, a looker, successful in her career and you had her crushing on an attendant like a teenager? Not fair to her. Also rings untrue. In reality, she might have crushed, but she would have portrayed some of the confidence her age and success demands.
    This story is a series and as such, the 1st one is important. This isn’t gripping enough to make me look forward or even dwell on what the 2nd installment will reveal. I think u have a good plot so far, but you are not doing it justice. Use your words and drop the cliches. They are strangling ur story. Cliches make you seem like you don’t have the words but this story has potentials. It’s a regular love story so far. Boy meets girl that we have seen in M&B novels. U need 2 take the story and put ur spin on it. Write it ur way and not d M&B way. U are a daring guy to even write this. I don’t think Chick Lit is for female writers alone.

    1. Hahahahahahhahaa…@Omotola, loolll@Frankly, ur story needs it.
      Isnt it amazing aw u think uv written something grand buh when reviewed it bcomes flawed…or rather d MANY flaws r revealed…hehehe

      I truly appreciate it…
      i shd v interviewed more ladies before coming up wiv this.
      Pas du problem…theres always better.

      Funnie buh I never read M&B…buh I guess i know the way now sha

      Thanks again @Omotola

  13. You have a way with words that’s nice…but i wonder if women rly hv ds reactions dt u describe. Maybe…maybe not….
    All dt said dnt stifle ur imagination…even if we knw it is unreal u cn stl mk us read and wnt more wt hw u write it…and if u r a don, u cn mk us begin to wish we hd dt kind of whirlwind romance…der is power in d writer’s pen!

  14. Haba na. Na so e dey do her for body?
    Lara sounds really thirsty men…too thirsty…
    She made me tired.
    Don’t worry, i’m not here to critique anything per say oh. To be honest it’s the comment thread that got me reading your piece in the first place and methinks you’ve gotten ample bluntness. It’s not a bad story at all…Lord knows you could do some amazing stunt with this here plot & have us all dumbstruck in the next episode, y’know? I’d actually like to see how you salvage the situation. #wink
    I sincerely just found the piece highly amusing and as @Omotola pointed out, it does reminds one of M&B (which i’ve weaned myself off of, thank God.)
    The phrase i found most amusing though (for some reason) was: “…fresh woody fragrance with a hint of citrus white musk.” Call me a bush pikin but this sounded so oyinbo though…lol

    It gets better @sleeickstories. Do keep writing biko.

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