A Touch of Spite (1)

A Touch of Spite (1)

 

True loves are the ones you reminisce about. The kinds you remember with a pang and an ache. They are always in past tense, because you never really know love till you are out of it. You also never forget the worst romantic involvements of your life. It is a well known fact; love and hate are siblings, very identical.

The other day I saw an ad for a writing competition with the theme, A Touch of Spice. They wanted a steamy love story. These writer people and their captions. They believe all experiences are to be chronicled. If I were to write a story about each of my relationships, the caption would be a touch of spite, or better, a handful of spite.

I ran my mind over some of my relationships, ticking them off one after the other till I got to a particular one that refused to be ticked off. That relationship was terrible. You see, they give you no warning in the beginning, these terrible ones. They always start up like the best thing to ever happen to a man. You keep feeling lucky and blessed until the ultimate shock. It is not anybody’s fault; spice and spite are so similar that if, while in the middle of the act, Spice goes to the bathroom and returns as Spite, you won’t know the difference till the next morning, or the morning after.

And the girls in such relationships are always exquisite. The one in this particular relationship of mine is not like the others you’ve read about, or even thought about. You have heard people claim that someone is perfect and you have lied to your lovers that they were perfect. But I assure you, this one is no lie; she is perfect. I can repeat if you don’t believe. It isn’t a beauty one can capture on canvas or on any lens. God is the only artist that can draw her, and if He tries He might not even get her as He drew her in the beginning.

She is fair. Not screaming fair, but the creamy kind that is a blend of all light colours. Of course you know all beautiful girls are tall and slim, like mermaids and Sicklers. Her eyes cannot be described in words. If they fill with tears yours too will. This kind of girl you do not resist; this kind of girl you do not disagree with.

But I can really not convince you. I have only described her here like a work of art. You need to see her as she is.
I met her at a junction, the bus stop near my house. A taxi had just dropped her off. I tried very hard not to stare. She was all light and bright things, and she was walking towards me. I have never seen a gazelle walk, and I do not know why people like to compare themselves with animals; I don’t know who started the comparisons, but I do know that as she walked towards me, a gazelle was the word that pulsated from my mind.

“Excuse me,” she said, “Good evening.”

I delayed a few seconds before I turned her way. Then I arranged my face in an uninterested, unimpressed look, as if I see her type every day. This is the best style, mind you. Obvious beauties expect you to be awed and impressed by their look. If you are not, or pretend not to be, you will get their attention.

I didn’t bother to reply her greeting; I just nodded at her, big boy fashion.

“I am looking for no 3, Abudu Street. I don’t know if you know any Lola?”

I turned, flippantly, and pointed her down the street. “The Green gate, first floor.”

“Ok, that one? …Thank you,” she said, and turned to follow my directions. My eyes turned to follow her.

Lola’s elder brother was not exactly a friend of mine, we’ve argued sports once or twice in the evenings with other guys in the area, and I had been to their place only once. But I suddenly saw no harm in trying to become friendlier, even if for just an hour. So in twenty minutes I was knocking at the green gate too.

Lola, providentially, didn’t retreat with her visitor to any inner chamber when I arrived. Rather, she introduced us, and her brother and I joined the conversation. Things happened well. By the end of the evening I had the beautiful guest’s name, number and few other friendly details.

With the details, the Player in me took pre-eminence, thanks to the Art of Seduction. (May no woman read it).
So I arranged for accidents to happen all over her and around me. I accidentally started driving past her office just when she was leaving for home; I accidentally started attending the same church service… a lot of small-small accidents like that ensured her senses were never free of me.

And thus our romance began the usual way trouble starts; like play. Do not concern yourself with the particulars of the romance; you know a writer is lying when he remembers every detail of his life. But I think I recall the first time she came to my place, which was also the first time I achieved the ultimate goal with her.

The first time she was in my house, for the first few minutes, we concerned ourselves with the reasons for her wonderfulness and how she was so beautiful… on the inside. If you must tell a very beautiful lady about her beauty and be unique about it, then you must talk of her beauty within. She knows how she looks on the outside.

But I didn’t fail to chip in my inner qualities too. From our conversation it seemed her insides were more wonderful than mine, but, of course, a gentleman would always let the lady win and outshine at the initial transactions. The talk had begun with me sitting opposite her, but we soon found ourselves together on the sofa. Everything went exactly the way it always did. At some point we were holding hands and I was, as expected, telling her about her fingers and how they looked so dainty, and then in the normal way the talking lessened and we grew quieter and everything got to that stage they always get especially in the movies when the couples eyes would be fixed on each other’s lips, before the dive.

Dive we did, speaking only in tongues and lips now. I am not a forgetful body, especially in these matters, but, I cannot remember how we got to the room. Believe it; a man speaks mostly the truth when he is talking about sex. You also do not expect a man to remember at what stage and in what manner the clothes came off. Only gay people dwell on that. But I do remember what gave me a slight pause. Ok, well, it gave me pause and shock only later, when I was reliving the exercise in bliss, but at that moment, that day, when she said it, I didn’t even blink. I just obeyed her and discarded the condom. I have never again heard of anyone allergic to latex.

That day, I remember that some foolish discouraging thoughts tried to intrude and discourage the whole enterprise; thoughts of the STD’s of medicine and the STDs of Christendom.

While the STD of medicine is caused by unprotected sex, the Christian STD is caused by any kind of sex without the protection of marriage and the license of Heaven. These two latter requirements are very hard to come by. The Christian STD is an eternal thing, very terminal. One never recovers from a Spiritual Termination of Destiny. Pregnancy is also a disease, but it isn’t as terrible as medical STD’s or the Christian STD.

I thought of all these in the thrice my chairman was poised before the place, her place.
But I am a man, and men have no sense, and I was even manlier at that moment. STD of whatever strain and variant has stopped no man. It wasn’t about to stop me. Whatever happened next is none of your business. I don’t kiss and tell, and my chairman’s motion in there is classified info. But suffice it to say that we did the do. And the chairman was well sated.

From there, our romance blossomed and picked up and flew very high and left the earth. We were very much in love. I wish I could tell you all about it, but I forget some, and others I have wisely left out, because the acts of a man in love are filled with foolishness and stupidity, something an external audience shouldn’t observe. But I will tell you of how she turned from a touch of spice to a touch of spite. Brace yourselves.

 

 

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67 thoughts on “A Touch of Spite (1)” by kaycee (@kaycee)

  1. Nicely told. You really have a way of engaging your reader.
    Impatiently waiting for the next installment.

    1. Thanks @shadiat.
      Well, i hope to come up with something for the next installment, but am not sure.

      1. Not sure? Dont keep us hanging o.

  2. Wow! You write great. Beautiful flow in your stream of consciousness. Can’t wait for the next episode.

    1. Thank you very much.
      @ohmston. Your last post was incredibly good. I missed stories like that.

  3. There’s nothing in your blog. What are we waiting for?

      1. Where’s the rest naaw? And you’re sending us to your blog where there’s nothing.

        1. @babyada, there might be no continuation o.
          Ran out of steam.

          1. locomotive!!! Hahahaha…you dragged me here abi @kaycee.
            If I call Amadioha for ya head….

  4. This guy has come again. Must I always laugh when reading your posts? Hoping to get sad over how your heart was broken in the next installment. But s/th tells me otherwise…

    Kaycee-like as always…

    1. @francis
      Thanks for reading o
      I really did not plan on writing another installment.

  5. I hope you contracted HIV… jus kidding. Seriously that’s a huge gamble oo. Nicely done, I always love tatafoo! ;)

    1. Lol
      HIV is no longer a big deal. What worries me is the Spiritual Termination of Destiny. Beware of that one o
      @daireenonline.

  6. Spiritual Termination of Destiny, lol…

    I liked that a lot, some brothers need to hear this, Well done, I totally liked the flow, it carried me along. effortless read.

  7. An endless tale of Adam.
    Well woven-like the diamond dat adorns my neck.

  8. @afronuts, @banky,@shaifamily,@ Seun-Odukoya,@raymond.
    @jaywriter in particular, beware of the Christian STD

    @chemokopi and @TolaO, i had some ish with punctuations, any corrections?

    1. Why my name dey here???? Why????
      Pulls out S&W
      >>=====>>> @kaycee beha start running.

      1. I had to drag you out of those you poetic fumes.
        @shaifamily.
        I felt you needed to sniff some prose.

        1. hmmmm….Show off!!!

    2. loooooooooooool. Nice piece you got here. I just wonder if your stories are made up sometimes, looool.

      And by the way, doesn’t ‘thinking’ give people Christian STD? And with #boobsthursday trending on twitter, you just wonder how many people who got the Christian STD.

      Nice one man.

  9. This is a good write, Kaycee. I like the flow, the tenses are very good and the punctuations are perfect. The pacing is very ok and appropriate for this kind of piece. This is overall a good one bro.

    As for the Christian STD, na make Baba God help us o. heheheheheheheehe.

    Kayceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Craze no go leave you anytime soon! Amen somebody?

    1. AMEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!
      By d way, he threw a spanner ib d spokes den forgot he did #Sundaytinz @banky

      1. The Lord pays no heed to the prayers of sinners.
        @banky @shai.
        Keep praying till you get the attention of satan. na that time una go Know!

        1. @shaifamily, @banky, no one told me that the date was sunday now. You could have pinged or called. I actually was looking forward to it.

          1. Please, please….no bring dt one come here. You didn’t know?

            1. seriously shaifamily, i didnt know.

              1. @kaycee, we don hear you. *yimu* There’ll be another time.

        2. Who b sinner? Hehehe…

          1. I bet if @kaycee see sinner dey stand on top of him yeye frame, no go fit recognise am!

        1. won’t pay him no mind o!

  10. Hilarious and engaging as usual. Felt like I was listening to you.
    Humour is always a win- win tool in communication
    Well done

    1. Thank you.
      @osakwe
      Your comment just told me something i didn’t know about my writing.

  11. [They are always in past tense, because you never really…] I am not too sure of this but something tells me it should be “They are always in THE past tense” to be more eloquent.

    [It is a well known fact; love and hate are siblings, very identical.] There are two problems here. The first one is that the semicolon is supposed to be a colon because you are introducing information that explains/gives reason for/completes/summarizes the preceding clause. The colon helps us focus our attention on what is to come. Semicolons join sentences that are closely related, Independent and that can stand alone as full sentences.
    Secondly, the comma before ‘very identical’ is an insufficient connector and has thus led to a sort of comma splice (a situation where you join two independent clauses with a comma). Any of these should do the trick:

    “It is a well known fact: love and hate are siblings. Very identical siblings.”

    “It is a well known fact: love and hate are siblings. Very identical ones.

    “It is a well known fact: love and hate are very identical siblings.”

    “It is a well known fact: love and hate are siblings–very identical.”

    “It is a well known fact: love and hate are siblings, and very identical.”

    [the caption would be a touch of spite, or better, a handful of spite.] Since you are referring to possible captions, they should be treated as such:

    “…the caption would be a Touch of Spite, or better, a Handful of Spite”

    [It is not anybody’s fault; spice and spite are so similar that if, while in the middle of the act, Spice goes to the bathroom and returns as Spite, you won’t know the difference till the next morning, or the morning after.] First, the semicolon should be a colon for the reason I mentioned earlier. Also ‘spice and spite are so…’ should be ‘Spice and Spite are so…’.Then you don’t need a comma before ‘or the morning after’.

    [And the girls in such relationships are always exquisite. The one in this particular relationship of mine is not like the others you’ve read about, or even thought about.] This is correct but it would have been better if had you removed the comma before ‘or even thought…’. I think if your intention was to emphasize ‘or even thought…’, a full stop or dash would have worked better.

    [But I assure you, this one is no lie; she is perfect.] Again colon in place of the semicolon.
    [God is the only artist that can draw her, and if He tries He might not even get her as He drew her in the beginning.] *digression* This sentence is somehow: like the work of an amateur writer.

    [Of course you know all beautiful girls are tall and slim, like mermaids and Sicklers.] You don’t need the comma. For emphasis, use a semicolon (but it’s good to use semicolons, colons and dashes sparingly in a story)

    [I met her at a junction, the bus stop near my house.] Comma splice. You should replace the comma with a preposition such as by/around, or a colon, depending on whether you mean the junction is the bus stop (use colon), or that it is close by (use preposition)

    [Lola’s elder brother was not exactly a friend of mine, we’ve argued sports once…] The comma should be replaced with a semicolon.

    [And thus our romance began the usual way trouble starts; like play]. The semicolon is inappropriate. A semicolon can only join two FULL/COMPLETE sentences. ‘Like play’ is not a complete sentence. Use a dash instead or full stop.

    [The first time she was in my house, for the first few minutes, we concerned ourselves with the reasons for her wonderfulness and how she was so beautiful… on the inside.] This would read better this way:

    [The first time she was in my house, we concerned ourselves, for the first few minutes, with the reasons for her wonderfulness and how she was so beautiful… on the inside.]

    [At some point we were holding hands and I was, as expected, telling her about her fingers and how they looked so dainty, and then in the normal way the talking lessened and we grew quieter and everything got to that stage they always get especially in the movies when the couples eyes would be fixed on each other’s lips, before the dive.] Consider a comma before ‘…the talking lessened…’

    [Believe it; a man speaks mostly the truth when he is talking about sex.] Remember what I said about colons introducing and emphasizing? You need it here, and not the semicolon, to introduce and lay emphasis on what comes after ‘Believe it’.

    1. Thank you very very much. You are right in most.
      @chemokopi.

  12. Hehehe…I was just laughing all through. That flew away from earth yan is crazy.
    Nice one man. Nice.

    Keep improving your art.

    1. Thanks man.
      Gimme the links to them punctuation sites and even books on them.

  13. @Kaycee This is not fiction. This is memoir writing. A chronicle of a horny man’s reflections about relationships. You are also fond of cliches and dead expressions like; ‘the player in me’. No creative narrative form or engaging theme. The rule of thumb is ‘show don’t tell’.

      1. @kaycee, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. This your craze na something else!

        @yahayamadu, no mind the boy jare. na so e be.

        1. @banky, because my mumu marriage didnt work out this year doesn’t mean you should endanger your existence by referring to me as “boy”.
          By the way, go read Touch of Spite (2), this one is stale.

  14. Interesting start to the story, @kaycee, although it feels very much like your non-fiction musings.

    I would enjoy it more if it was less digressionary, but it’s well-written.

    I’ll be on the lookout for the next part.

    1. Thank you for your take
      @TolaO

  15. a good story, kept me on the edge… waiting for the sequel

    1. Thanks
      @elovepoetry.
      Waiting for your next kenyan tale

  16. Ahahahahaha!

    @kaycee you knucklehead! You don’t kiss and tell abi? Wetin you just do now? With talk about your “chairman” and “her place”…

    I like the STD classification…very true and factual.

    “But I am a man, and men have no sense” – Very true! Especially when they have a hard-on or a naked woman is b4 them…shit…I’m a man…I forgot…

    1. Looool
      @afronuts.
      I can deny the true identity of the chairman na.
      Thanks for reading.

  17. @Kaycee: This rambling is just as funny as expected. I’m begining to think ramblers don’t get any crazier than this :)
    And that bit about gays remembering the details of their hurried undressing in the heat of the moment… that’s funny.
    “I thought of all these in the thrice my chairman was poised before the place, her place.”
    This kinda read awkwardly for me- something with the “thrice”.

    And oh, I didn’t think you’d fret so much about the Christian STD or the spiritual termination of destiny – that for me, is one big dent on your cynical armor. I would have thought you were made up of some sterner stuffs :-).

    Anyways quit the teasing and post the next part sharp sharp!

    1. Thank you sir.
      This story is totally fiction though.

  18. I am patiently waiting to hear more @kaycee.I know a lot of persons have dotten their thoughts, but I think you did extremely wonderful as usual.I am under you tutelage sir.You provide a superb model for unique short story writings.Thank you for sharing.

    1. @sambrightomo, thanks so much.
      You dont post so much anymore. whats up?

      1. You will see something from me soon.

  19. interesting piece, and more interesting comments.

  20. I am a fan of love stories
    the romantic in me just loves love stories…

    very interesting!

    1. @tessadoghor
      Thanks for ur response.
      Welcome to NS

  21. can’t wait for part 2.

    1. Part two was out since.
      Thanks for reading.
      @laavidaalocaa

  22. Splendid simple writing without any annoying largesse. Just how I aspire to write

    I was reluctant to start cuz I thought it was a love infested story. It turns out to be a love infested story but I liked it mucha

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