The Girl Next Door

The Girl Next Door

By Princess Sarah Christopher

Stacey was her name or at lest that was the name, people told me she answered. She was a girl i got to know a year after i moved into Stantoky Avenue. She was slim, very tall, beautiful with Sapphira eyes and gold hair. Apart from her physical beauty I was also quick to notice that she was absolutely strange and reserved. It was like she was hiding away from something. I doubt if she has friends and relatives because non ever comes around to see her.
At night from my window, i will watch her dancing in the moonlit, she will dance and dance till she slumps on the ground and can’t get up again to dance. I had noticed that a week after i moved into the boys quarter as her neighbour. We are the only tenants occupying the beautiful bungalow in 19 Stantoky Avenue. The first night i had seen her dancing, i had been amazed and enchanted then suddenly i felt that something was wrong because of the way she was dancing as if a kind of spirit had possessed her. Askew  and trilled as i felt i had to rush out of the house to help her after she slumped to the ground; breathless only to find no one there. I had stood there for a while wondering if truly i had seen her dancing.
The next morning i had found myself at her door knocking my knuckles out. The door was shut quiet alright but i could hear sobs and screams from within and yet she didn’t open up. I had to go to work that morning deciding to meet her once i was back form work but i never did since she was never outside. I really had to wonder how she eats and survives since she never come out of the house unless if she did that when i was away. Decimating to fill my curiosity I had to apply for my leave permit so as to stay at home all day and monitor when she would go out then i can accost her to know what her problem was.
I sat outside the house all day except when i peed into the bucket beside me watching and waiting but she never came out. Late in the night I retired inside after waiting like eternity, not long after I began to  hear her footsteps stamping  hard against the interlocked floor, she was twirling and dancing like one possessed. i watched on, marveled and unable to do anything but watch in perplexity.Suddenly like someone enchanted i stumped out to catch her and caught the air, I fainted.
That was a year ago. Ever-since then i have been trying to understand what happened that night but till date i have not been able to comprehend the mystery of that night. Although i had stopped prying but my heart and feelings towards the string girl haven’t stopped. I still felt a kind of connection  and something inside me keeps trying me that the girl next door was calling for me. After I had woken up in the hospital after I fainted a year ago, I had been told by the nurses that a young girl with hair like snow had brought me in. I wanted to believe that it was her but how can I when her hair was golden. For a while I let her be until one night.
It was early April, the beginning of spring. The night was cool and dearly. The sky was void and gray. I was siting at the porch over a glass of wine and noodle when i first heard the ear splitting scream. For a while I paused and strained my ears. Noting, i relaxed. The shrill scream came again almost knocking me ‘wacko’, i jumped out of my seat and gazed towards the direction of the scream. She was screaming, without trying to consider anything I raced towards her apartment. Surprisingly the door was open, I turned the knob and the door sprang open. The scream came again and i went in, the door slammed close sifter me.
The room was unusually dark, because it was built in the same style as mine I was able to find my way. I was quick to notice how empty the room was too. There was nothing there but two cushions and a rug on the ground. The scream was fluttering in now, persistently as well as some inaudible words. Quickly I made my way towards the room abhorring the persistent cries. As i walked through the endless passage, my heart painted hard against my chest. I was tensed and horrified yet i trued on and paused when i got to her door. I listened. The sound emitting from the room was more of a whisper so i strained my ears closer to the door and began to hear the petrifying words.
“No!” She was screaming. “No, I wont, Please No. I want to be free. Haven’t you done enough harm yet? I love him, please let him be”
I froze at the mention of love. It was weird to believe that the strange girl actually loved someone. I listened again.
“Please let Leo be, please i beg of you”
Leo? I thought suddenly remembering that that was my name. no, i shook it off. She can’t be referring of me, she doesn’t even know my name then i heard a whisper and listened again.
“Yes, i accept. Turn me into a lioness and send me into the wild in extinction but let Leo Wilbur be”
I didn’t wait to hear it all as i fought to open the door. She was talking about me. She was sacrificing her life to save me. The door was locked from within. Pulling back a little, I ran in with a force and kicked the door open just when I saw her turn into a Beautiful Lioness. she was covered with the luminescence from the blinding light. She looked my way, gave a loud roar then disappeared into the smoke after she told me her real name, Sheena. As i slumped to the ground in a faint, I wondered who will take me to the hospital this time. Could it be a beautiful maiden with pearly eyes and fire, blazing hair.

 

 

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15 thoughts on “The Girl Next Door” by sarahchristy21 (@sarahchristy21)

  1. Hmmm…I like the mystique in the story. But I feel it can be written better. There’s a nice idea in the story but I don’t think you’ve done justice to it. I say this because it sort of leaves some questions unanswered. Its as if the story is not complete, as if you left out some parts. Then, I felt the suspense could be better handled.

    I’d also suggest you try spacing out the paragraphs, it helps the reader visually. That apart from a few typos, I’ll say you write nicely keep writing!

    1. thanks alot dear for noticing my flaws. it takes intreast do do it and i promise to do better next time. actually i just typed it at the cyber and posted it, didnt give me room to run through it twice. sorry. i do hope you enjoyed it anyway.

  2. Did not really understand the gist, but good writing

  3. This is a strange story. I don’t think you really thought it through. And the writing could be better too.

  4. Hmmm, interesting story, couuld do with tightening, keep at it though. Watch out for typos like non,moonlit,a force…

  5. Mysterious and engaging. Nice write.

  6. Like @Afronuts, I also like the mystery in the story; this strange lady who loves the MC so much that she’s prepared to give up a lot. You don’t have to explain how this came about, but it would definitely be something worth considering if you wanted to rewrite this.

    The many typos have been commented on; for me, it’s the word usage and punctuation that’s an issue. I’ll take the first two paragraphs:

    Stacey was her name or at lest that was the name, people told me she answered. She was a girl i got to know a year after i moved into Stantoky Avenue. She was slim, very tall, beautiful with Sapphira eyes and gold hair. Apart from her physical beauty I was also quick to notice that she was absolutely strange and reserved. It was like she was hiding away from something. I doubt if she has friends and relatives because non ever comes around to see her.

    At night from my window, i will watch her dancing in the moonlit, she will dance and dance till she slumps on the ground and can’t get up again to dance. I had noticed that a week after i moved into the boys quarter as her neighbour. We are the only tenants occupying the beautiful bungalow in 19 Stantoky Avenue. The first night i had seen her dancing, i had been amazed and enchanted then suddenly i felt that something was wrong because of the way she was dancing as if a kind of spirit had possessed her. Askew and trilled as i felt i had to rush out of the house to help her after she slumped to the ground; breathless only to find no one there. I had stood there for a while wondering if truly i had seen her dancing.

    These could be better written as:

    Stacey was her name, or at least that was the name people told me she answered. She was a girl I got to know a year after I moved to Stantoky Avenue. She was slim, very tall, beautiful with sapphire eyes and golden hair. Apart from her physical beauty, I was also quick to notice that she always behaved strangely and was very reserved. It was as if she was hiding away from something. I doubted if she had friends and relatives because no one ever came around to see her.

    At night from my window, i would watch her dancing in the moonlight. She would dance and dance till she slumped on the ground and couldn’t get up. I had noticed this a week after I moved into the boys’ quarters as her neighbour; we were the only tenants living in the compound. The first night I had seen her dancing, I had been amazed and enchanted. Then suddenly I felt that something was wrong because of the way she was dancing; as if a kind of spirit had possessed her. I had rushed out of the house to help her after she slumped to the ground; I arrived breathless only to find no one there. I had stood there for a while wondering if truly I had seen her dancing.

    1. thanks a lot jeez for this handful correction, i won hesitate to include it when next i intend to edit or writ it.

  7. Very mysterious story, and you portrayed the mystery well. Good suspense too. However , the end felt disconnected from the rest of the story : her begging an unknown person to be turned into a lioness , and her name -Stacey- being changed to “Shenna” all of a sudden, felt as if you were writing another story entirely.

    Good Mystery, but watch your typos , capitalize your “I” , and make the premise of your story clearer.

    Please, keep writing @sarahchristy21

    1. i get it, however its part of the mystery. thanks alot.

  8. @Tola thanks for your generosity et al.
    I love this work, just work on the suggestions.
    Great.

  9. adams (@coshincozor)

    wow!
    weird!
    honestly I love this story.
    The suspense is something else. I like this expression: “For a while I paused and strained my ears. Noting, i relaxed.” I just cant say exactly why. Maybe because it looks original and not conventional.
    However I should think this was written in such a hurry that too many typos leaked through:
    “my heart painted hard”,
    “emitting from the door” and so many of them.
    Some people here have touched them anyway but I also want to point out the tense confusions. I guess these should be in the past:
    “I doubt if she has friends and relatives because non ever comes around to see her. At night from my window, i will watch her dancing in the moonlit, she will dance and dance till she slumps on the ground and can’t get up again to dance. I had noticed that a week after i moved into the boys quarter as her neighbour. We are the only tenants occupying the beautiful bungalow in 19 Stantoky Avenue.”
    I
    n this expression, “yet she didn’t open up” I guess the “open up” there is meant to say “she didn’t open the door” but it says a different thing.
    The excessive use of “had” also made the work had to read.
    Someone here had sometime told me that short sentences are better; so try splitting the following sentence into three and see how euphonious it would sound to the ears:

    ” I had to go to work that morning deciding to meet her once i was back form work but i never did since she was never outside”

    OK try re-phrasing these sentences and and make them simple past lets see how literary they would become:

    “I really had to wonder how she eats and survives since she never come out of the house unless if she did that when i was away.”

    “After I had woken up in the hospital after I fainted a year ago, I had been told by the nurses that a young girl with hair like snow had brought me in.”

    just a little touching here and there, this your story will come out unputdownable! every writer is a work in progress. no one is perfect no wonder we commit error even while correcting others. * funny* I love the story!

    1. thanks alot. i really appreciate thenway you kept pointing out the errors, it shows you took time to read it. thanks a lot. like you said, i was in ahurry when i wrote it, i was at the cyber and my time was almost up and the story came so i thought i should just put it down immediately. all the same jeez, thanks.

  10. There is something cute about this piece, but it seems like you posted the first draft….Tighten the nuts in this to make it better.

    P.S- Did the series ‘Sheena’ have anything to do with this?

    1. thanks for your comment, anyway the movie sheena has nothing to do with it.

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