He’s coming
From there
She’s staring
From here.
He can see her
Her eyes are piercing his
She is calm
He is frightened
But he would say those words,
Would spill them
Today
As he makes his move…
Stammers first
Incoherent speech second
Deep-furrowed frowns from her
And his Tactical Nervous System
Completely breaks down.
****
She had always eyed him:
Furtive amorous glances
That sought to quench
Her secret craving of him.
And now he comes this hour
Towards her
His intent already known.
But today passion will not rule.
She had long set
Her wits
And the bad tales from passions past
To steer her clear of
Any agent of painful bedroom tears.
Once more,
She puts on her famed mask;
The stark unnerving one,
To conceal her pleasant side
From this handsome advancer.
****
His TNS quickly recovers.
Buoyed by fervent desire
That built up from Time of First Sight,
He churns out fluid amorous lines
That no longer run off the mapped tangent.
He does not know
That his lines have become
Intoxicating music
In the ears of this cute chick.
She does not know
That for many nights
Her avatar invaded his dreams
leaving strong cravings in its wake…..
Music transmutes to strong acid.
Aided by Cute Chick’s latent passion
It eats away the mask
Exposing a chuckle here and a grin there
Until
He sees the full bloom of her charming laughter.
The real chemistry begins.
****
Two gold rings and several diapers later
Two cute kids sit
Hands on chins
Listening excitedly
Once again
To the story of Intimacy’s first baby steps.
This is nice.
Thanks @Seun-Odukoya
Yes,it is nice, but i didnt like some of the language choices eg. TNS? but the end is really lovely. keep writing
Thanks @nicolebassey, for your comments. I guess the style of language is what it is–the poet’s choice of expression. Yes O, I will keep writing. Thanks!
I like. I really like. Espiecially the last stanza and the thought process flowing from both sides. It makes it real. Good work.
Wow, everyone just loves the last stanza enh? Hmmm…maybe another poem should spring up from that stanza.
Thanks @oyodia for your kind words. Much appreciated.
Nice work…simply beautiful…
Thanks @sibbylwhyte. Your words mean mean a lot.
A beautiful poem. The swift way it ended.
Thanks a lot for your kind words @babyada.
Poems that make you go awwwww. Lovely.
Thanks @riowrites!
For me, the first and the last stanza is where the poem was born and matured, in between….!!!
Diction, that’s where you falter. I don’t want to go by the ‘nice’ wagon. Sure, you can write but the diction…has to be much more professional…
dont mind my bluntness.
Thanks @xixay. No, I don’ mind your bluntness. It is much appreciated. I would also not mind you being specific. That is much desired for that is what really makes a writer grow. Thanks again.
I agree with @xikay, and I also felt the title was kinda mechanical..didn’t suit the elegance of the poem.
Honestly @kaycee, looking at the title now, I think I can connect with your perspective. Thanks for your comments.
You did well with the detailing of intimacy’s advancement, i particularly liked -two gold rings and several diapers later, good one!
Honestly @elly, I am also enamoured by those lines. Thanks a lot for your kind comments.
Nice one here…I especially like the simple language used to communicate this.
Thanks a lot @dottaraphels. Simple language is my style and I hope to keep perfecting it.
Beautiful poem. However i ditto Kaycee.
Thanks @igweaj. I guess kaycee’s point is stronger now.
Nice and contemporary
Just what I want it to be. Thanks @jonnysnow.
I really really like this. Very good concept and execution, but still must echo @xikay and @kaycee. The title does feel a bit uninspired, especially cos this is a poem, and poetry must, MUST, show inspiration.
I think this is sort of modern, or contemporary like Jonny Snow said above. It’s the type of poem ppl write these days. It’s very real, not ‘poetic’ in that flowery, graceful sense but I think it still works for me. Good job!
Thanks @guywriterer. You are a critic after my heart.
The lines were kinda jumpy. I didn’t visualize the scenario to the core. Nice one, I must say but don’t you think that more work will make it near perfect?
Thanks @louis. Yes, I do believe there is room for improvement and will consider what you and all others have said.
hmmmmm………. I love this,reminds me of twitter.
@gretel: Hmmm…twitter. Maybe I should be more active on twitter…lol! Thanks for your input. Much appreciated.
GOOD!
@elovepoetry: THANKS!
k
Nice one. I couldn’t help praying this becomes of my story with this ‘chick’ I’ve been eyeing. Could she be masking her affection too? Or could it be she doesn’t even know I exist!!! Either ways, “Baby steps” first.
@technobayo: Awww…we will keep praying for you that it works out in the way of the poem…lol. Thanks for your input. Much appreciated.
This poem has told the story of many of us…
started like a poem one could sing but…
Thanks for your input @adaobiokwy. It is much appreciated.