Thousands are the words,
Which I long to say to you,
Yet they still remain unsaid,
Hovering in the deeper parts of me,
Desiring to be released and freed,
To describe how I really feel,
For many years have flown by,
And I am still thinking…how?
How will I free myself of this burning desire?
How will I say these words to you?
Mother-daughter we are,
Yet more like familiar strangers we seem,
Dwelling under the same roof since the womb years,
Where we got it wrong, I can only wonder.
Fond memories remain distant and few,
But the sting of your words I can still feel,
And the memory of the pain always real.
Many a time I desired a mother’s love,
Cold shoulders were served instead,
An action which birthed a hardened heart.
Identical we are on the exterior,
But as night and day we very much are.
While you sought control and submission,
Independence and freedom I desired.
A prison you created for your offspring,
The black sheep wanted to break loose.
Your way or the high way it had to be,
No negotiations allowed,
With a very high cost to pay,
Because the high way I chose to take.
I look at you and wonder,
Why these two hearts couldn’t merge,
And dwell in peace and one accord.
Though the years and distance long,
A disconnect there still is,
As a mighty wall so strongly divides us,
One which the bonds of nature cannot seem to break.
I tried to reach out, I tried to mediate,
An exercise in futility all efforts turned out,
Because your heart I never could penetrate.
I write to release the words buried so deep,
To free myself of this guilt and regret I feel.
Love and understanding I oft prayed for,
Somehow the opposite I always received.
All the bad and ugly you chose to see,
That unleashed the burning anger in you,
Stemmed from good intentions derailed.
To conform and please you I often tried,
But a constant battle there was within,
That is, to gain your love or lose myself?
Bestfriends we can never be, that much I can see,
Because guarded are you and so am I.
But my love for you is deep nonetheless,
As should be for the one that birthed me.
I just plead for you to see,
To see the good that lies within,
To see the child reaching out to her mother,
Calling for understanding and acceptance;
That we may tell a different story,
Of how love, once misplaced, is now found,
Beween this girl and the one that birthed her.