Malt, Barley and Hops

Just concluded two episodes of a drama series – The Forensics, so guzzling down few bottles of my favorite beer to smother the heat sifting from my smoldering mind seemed a perfect idea (not that I need any reason to drink, but this seemed justified) this calm evening, so I gladly obliged.
But it aint a celebration if you doing it all alone, so I decided to ring up an old buddy, light skinned Kenneth, great guy, early thirties, humble and shit. It’s been a while since we saw, so getting together is going to be fun.
Reminiscing about our terrific past will last 30mins max…of which we should be draining the dregs of the second bottle by then. The beginning of the third bottle opens up the very much awaited delicious discussion of our escapades with different girls, which we are allowed to exaggerate as much as we like, that’s the delicious part.
In this highlighted fashion the evening proceeded, by the fourth bottle I already excused myself twice to obey the first side effect of Lager consumption. A notification by my ever faithful bladder signifies I might be up for a third trip to the gutter across the road in the next…uh, 10mins?, as the girl-talk gradually got stale and boring (this happens when someone over-exaggerates, can‘t say who, but I’m sure one of us did).
Then the serious tipsy talk commenced as we opened the fifth bottle, eyes glazing in their sockets. Now the beer was going terribly slow, I tried a large gulp but ended up taking a sip, he wasn’t doing too good himself. We grazed over our past experiences with life and her ordeals, encouraging and advising each other the best way our drunk blunt minds can.
Suddenly, we found ourselves, side by side, battling with our zippers across the road. After a brief struggle, the juice splatters in the gutter, then l started giggling hard…he joined in. We were wondering how and when we got here, it was so hilarious that I spilled some on my jeans.
‘Ze last two dwops alwez end up in we boxaz anywez, no madda ‘ow mush you shake ze one-eyed shnake… ’ I slurred with a grin.
A slight trace of confusion passed briefly across his face but he just kept on giggling.
He didn’t understand, I frowned. I wanted to repeat it but, what did I say again?.
In a moment, we were back in our chairs, nursing the beer that refused to go down. I got a sweet mouth, but its pure sugar when aided with almost five bottles and when I got a drunk ear listening, so I did most of the talking. We were both enjoying our roles, but it got so sweet that I ended up giving him an itchy pile (he was on the receiving end).
‘…zon’t walk wif fvenzs you can nevva gain fwom…zose who call you to beer parlorrrs-’
His cup halts inches from his lips as the weight of my slurred words slides home.
This awkward moment continues as my fuzzy brain struggles to register the shit that just shot out of my pie hole.
His cup returns to the table, then he nods.
‘Okeyy…buh if you zon’t wan be fvenzs wif me again, shay show, and shtop beating around ze bukket!’’ He gets to his feet and storms off, knocking over his half-filled cup.
Which show do they beat buckets?!
He obviously doesn’t like the show, I thought as I raise my cup in salute to his receding frame.

14 thoughts on “Malt, Barley and Hops” by yhemie (@eimehy)

  1. Em…this is slightly confusing. Maybe that’s because the lead character was drunk; or because you were drunk writing this. NO OFFENSE.

    It needs some editing. The sentences are sometimes…

  2. Offense?…naahhhh, far from it. it is supposed to be confusing….maybe both were drunk..

  3. **zhis one eyed snake of ours always leaves zom zrops in our boxers, no mazzer how well we shake it. Can’t laugh enough.

    **i like how u try to capture the tipsiness in your character’s speech. I love the piece, its brief and on point. It don’t think it is confussing in anyway.** @ least not to us that are not

    gewd work.

  4. It was meant to come out this way, the two dudes are drunk…
    Since it’s under narrative non-fiction, i have to ask…what message were you trying to pass across?..
    The title stands for the ingredients for beer, are you tryna tell pipz not to get drunk? If that was the intent, you shoulda caused the spilling of a secret or something. Ze zon’t walk wif fwends you can nevva gain fwom, doesn’t cut it for me…nywaiz nice job drinking 5bottles…Welldone$ß.

    P.S: ur mates zey finis 1 crate and zia eyes wil be clear.

  5. …hey bubbles….you be shayo mistress nah….

  6. hahahaha @All comments and commentators.
    Even @yhemie Hahahahahahahahahahaha

  7. I can’t point out flaws here because they’re part of the piece since it was written in when the writer was high.

    1. @babyada….just say it’s confusing, homegurl…

  8. nahhhh@babyada…..i swear to high, i wasn’t God!

    i’m glad the write up made the impact it was structured to…anyone who has ever had a drunken conversation would see beyond the intoxication

  9. Will all the drunkards please say Aye?

  10. lol….nice one. Light banter and the beer talk? so spot on.
    well done. Bar tending gave me the 411.

    1. @dottaraphels….hey mighty glad you related to the piece… later?

  11. @louis…now you got me confused…

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