Father, I am still your dear son

Father, I am still your dear son

I do not know how to do this. I do not know how to begin. I almost feel like I am confessing, but I don’t see where I went wrong or how. Still guilt permeates my heart as I write you this. I feel a little ashamed.

Father, it is not a habit, or a character I picked up as I grew up. It is not a teenage phase. I know some of my friends do not know the Lord, but this has nothing to do with the company I keep. None of them is like me. For what it’s worth, you are my best company; our family has always been close knitted. And if it be true, as you always say, that a man is determined by his company, then father, I hardly know what to think.

But, I think this is who I am. And dear father, do not blame me for whom or what I am. I think I was born this way.

I had never thought about it before I noticed it, I didn’t even know it existed. Father, please, understand that I was scared the first time I noticed my difference. Imagine how heavy and terrible such discovery would have been for a young boy. I so tried to tell you or mother about it. I knew it wasn’t something you would want to hear, I knew, deep down that I should bear the cross alone.

I can’t fight it anymore, I have tried; I have done all a man would do, and I have done what any believer would do. But, Sir, I can’t continue like this. Something has to give, or I die. This is the first time a third ear would hear this. But you deserve to be that third ear.

You must have forgotten Jude, my classmate in Junior secondary; his father used to drive the brown Passat, their house used to be close to the police station, his mum worked in the ministry. They came to the church once or twice before they moved. It was Jude that made me first notice my difference. He brought these magazines of naked women with him to school; forgive me father, I had to look. Everyone else did. If I had known what they were I wouldn’t have looked. The pictures repulsed me. I asked the Lord to forgive me.

Father, there is more. Again I was with Jude, in their home. His sisters were in the shower with two of their friends. We went to the window behind, and we watched them. I was repulsed at the sight of those girls, but Jude had his mouth open and his eyes too, I couldn’t drag my eyes from him. Do not begin to think that I got the way I am because of Jude, no. I only learnt more about myself through him. He is not like me, he doesn’t know my kind. He got married last year.

That day you caught me kissing Deaconess Biodun’s daughter, the tall one in the choir; father, she was the one kissing me. I was as repulsed as you were disappointed. There were more encounters of that nature as I grew older and went through University. But something was wrong. I knew it, but the possibility was inconceivable, so I refused to accept it.

I have wished to be normal like every other man; I have even tried to be. But, father, one can never be more than his nature. I don’t like this nature. To be different is sometimes charming and alluring, but I didn’t want to be this different. To be unique in this…way of mine goes against all you have ever taught me and all that I have ever believed. Why has God refused to change this different nature of mine? I thought he could do all things? I am ashamed to be asking this kind of question, one would think I am a baby in Christ. But father, perhaps, there is nothing to change, and perhaps this is God’s nature too. Or is it that God can only change the nature of sin? Father you know more of these things, you can ask God about it too, he has been silent on my own queries.

You know I love the lord; I had no choice in that matter, you made me know the saviour. But, I prayed about this. I fasted, and I queried the lord. Still I am as I am. I am the creature of God, made in his image and born under the tutelage of a servant of God, if I am twisted or have a nature from the pit of hell, how come? Where did the devil come in, how did he do it, at creation or under your watchful eyes?

I am a child of God; I am as holy as can be. Is it true that anybody born like me is not of God, and is not saved? I feel saved, I even have a relationship with God; the lord is with me, I am sure of that, but sometimes I just wonder if I do not believe in a lie. For a long time I have felt like a fraud, praying and being active in the service of the Most High. But, something has always felt off, ever since I knew my difference. But I could not leave the lord, I cannot still. There was and is no other way. He is all I know. I grew up in the scriptures. But, still, father, whose report should I believe? To believe the report of the Lord is confusion, because if I am in his image and you all are in his image, then why am I thus? Why am I so…darkly different? If I believe the report of the world, I would still be damned; father, that is unthinkable.

Do not blame yourself too, father, you have two other sons, and they are not like me. We grew in the same house, went to the same schools, were tutored at your feet, and had almost all our experiences together. Still, father, I turned out the way I am. It is no fault of yours. All the experiences and training of a man can improve his make, but they can never change his nature. Gold can only be gotten from men of gold. Perhaps, I am a bronze man. A man of bronze will forever be bronze, despite education, despite his training, and in spite of his father’s words. Your two other sons are made with gold.

Whatever a man is is due to his make.

Still, father I do not think it is fair that this should happen to the perfect family you have raised in the way of the Lord. It is not fair at all. Again, I feel terrible that I would be the blight in this perfect circle. I fear that I would be the cause of the clichéd stories of a Preacher’s son gone bad; of a father close to the Lord, and the son gone to the devil. Father, I haven’t gone to the devil.

To be a Preacher’s son is not an easy life, I must tell you too. But we, your children never failed you. You know you are proud of us. I haven’t brought you any shame, until now. I know what this would do to the church, I can only apologise.

I don’t know how mother would take this; please keep her strong, it could kill her. If it be any consolation, tell her I haven’t been intimate with anyone, I am still chaste and pure. But I have met someone, and I must tell you, it doesn’t feel wrong being together. When we are together I am at peace. I almost feel the same ambience I feel when in church, the same joy, same completeness, and there is no guilt. Meeting this someone is part of the reason I write you this.

If things were different I would be introducing you to my partner. But, I don’t see how possible that can be. You taught me to wait for marriage before getting intimate with anyone. Father, I have tried, I have held on this long. But it seems to me there is no other way to live, but in sin. Do not be too shocked.

You will never understand my feelings; I am not writing these for your understanding, I am just pouring my heart to you. It is my own way of coming to terms with myself. If I can tell you this long held secret of mine, then I’m finally in acceptance of it. No one else will understand it, except the few that are like me. But the few people that are like me are wrong for me, they take alcohol and do drugs and fornicate and have piercings everywhere. They look crazy. They are all sinners. I can’t be in their company. I wish there were people like me in the saviour’s flock, perhaps they are in hiding.

I fear it would be a lonely road I must tread, lonely in this life, in both thoughts and preferences, even with my partner. Already you all think I am quiet, but father, think back, was I always these silent and withdrawn? It began when this load of difference was laid on me. Yes it was laid on me, I never sought for it.

I know you still might not know what I have been talking about; I know you wouldn’t skip to the end of this letter to find out. You are a man of principle; everything must be in sequence and in proper order. It’s an admirable quality. When you get to the end of this, I know you will read this over and over again, thinking that your world just ended. It is not your world that has been shaky. Your world is intact. Dear father, forget about your reputation for now, forget about the church, and what people would say, forget about sin and righteousness, about black and white, forget about all, and think of me. Think of me; think of the grey between the black and the white, think of similarities and semblances, think of shadows, think of likelihoods and possibilities.

It is not a tall order, you are a smart man and God is with you; think, father, think.

Above all, Sir, remember me, as your boy, your first proof of manliness, the excellence of your might. Look back and see me grow up, remember your wonder at my birth, see me take those first tottering steps and hear again the sound as I called you daddy that first time. Focus on the innocence and fragile helplessness, remember my tears.

Remember me with love, father, for I am still your dear son.

Even though I am gay.



69 thoughts on “Father, I am still your dear son” by kaycee (@kaycee)

  1. Typical; I guess. Of Kaycee I mean.

    To imagine you write something straightforward is to imagine the devil telling a truth. No lie.

    Nice one. Nice one.

    Interesting lines of thought. And how does the father take it?

    Lol. ‘I am still your son’ sounds like a desperate plea for understanding to me. What’s there to understand – you prefer to lay men?

    How do I get my grandchildren – to carry on my name…?

    LMAO…carry on Musketeer!

    1. Hehehehehehe
      @Seun Odukoya, I am going straight after this post. Before people will conclude about me being twisted.

  2. What! The first expression, then questions me whys, hows. Etc would follow.

    Boss, you did a good one even though it got to a time I already knew what he was heading at.

    1. @bbtagoro, you were supposed to na
      Thanks.

  3. This was too long joor and predictable barely halfway through it.

    Liked the ramblings of an insomniac better.

    1. @teewah, too long?
      I like Sex With MY Father better.

      Thanks for reading.

  4. WoW! The questions raised and the rhetorics are deep. Well done Kaycee, very well done.

    1. @jonnysnow.
      Thanks for reading.

  5. @Seun, lol! I stand with you on that imagination.

    Em! Kaycee are you… Never mind… Well I just got into the mind of a gay and his desperate plea for acceptance. It shows how well it was written, which somehow tells me…but you’re getting married…
    ‘Whatever a man is is due to his make.’ True and need not ask forgiveness for it. So to the gays I feel for you from a distance…
    Well done!

    1. Lol
      I haven’t tried it yet. If I do, I might just prefer it. Who knows

  6. So predictable. Predictably repulsive.

    1. Don’t know what to make of your comment
      @literati

  7. Nice one but i knew what the end was from the middle of the story. Not all fathers can take that, a pastor for that matter.

    1. @lynda, thanks.
      Whats ur blog url?

  8. Too long.
    You tried too much and maybe over do things a bit.
    And the story was dragged a bit.

    Besides that, a nice story. Another way to look at the gay issue. See them as human beings who must have struggled with who they are. This, Kaycee, is refreshing just like your Sex With My Father. I like the latter better though.

    1. Thanks for your comment
      @layrite

  9. Even though it was predictable, I was still waiting for a surprise… Like him growing breasts and a clitoris on his scrotum. You know, hermaphrodite or something.

    All good. Felt a bit draggy but cool. I like the soul in it. Seemed real. Well done.

    1. LoL growing breast nd penis abi?hermaprodite shey?
      LOL!LOL!LOL!

        1. LMAO! gooseberry, u too think abeg.

  10. @oga Kaycee no lele for you jwor!But to talk one sentence na im all those pre-modifiers and modifiers dey for?Meanwhile dis is great writing for me.It is d postmodernist approach to narratives.If it were to be d traditional,d writer would hve told us abt d çharacter’s status nd given us loads of tots dt we ‘may’ enjoy.But this is outstanding if nt for anything @least to sustain interest to d end.WELL DÖNE!

      1. You re most welcome.

  11. Yea…am sure most gays have had this thought at one point in their life…
    @kaycee..I don’t know if u intended it..but the part where Ur persona states that he was ‘born this way’ is the title of Lady Gaga’s song where she speaks up for the gays…perhaps you share a muse with Gaga…hehe..
    Nice write up…

    Would his pastor father accept him?..datx d question.

    1. Lol
      Gaga?
      We dont share anything o
      @sibbylwhyte

  12. @Kaycee,

    I found this well written, and I get what you’re trying to do – show the conflict in the MC’s head as he tries to reconcile his sexuality on the one hand with his faith. But somehow, the feeling did not come across as powerfully as it should have.

    Maybe it would have helped if the MC had started out his communication saying upfront that he was gay, especially because I could see where this was headed earlier on. Or maybe what is missing for me is that critical moment when he finally realised and had accept who he was.

    But a good read, and well done.

    1. Hmmmn.
      @TolaO
      Good points.

    2. If he had started with diclosing to his father that he is guy i think it would have kill the suspense.

      my thought.

      1. True, @Iykewifey, but my view is that there wasn’t really that much suspense to begin with, as I could easily guess where the story was going.

        In fact, the strength of the story is not the suspense element, but the moving way the son describes his inner conflict.

        1. My thoughts exactly, Tola. No offense @iykewifey but there was no suspense here (unless kaycee intended it). it was obvious from the beginning; what was going to ‘make’ it is the young man’s words to his father. well done, kaycee

          1. You guys still here?@nitram27
            Thanks for reading.

  13. I love ds even though it was too long and i knew what it was abt from d beginning…sm serious plea going on there ooo…nice one

    1. @obionyinye
      Thanks for reading and loving

  14. @kaycee, your excellency sir, this is good. I knew how it was gonna end butguy, forget it, you wrote this well. Would have preferred ‘Letter to my father’ as the title but hey, its your call. Abeg, bro, your head is still there jare. Nice one, couldn’t have written it better sef.

  15. . . . Bros ye! Me I like the suspense o! Plus ‘m not sure I knew where this was headed, I actually thought . . . I don’t even know what I was thinking sef!
    Nice write sha! Me I liked it gan! Thumbs up. :D
    Btw, pls what’s MC?

    1. @dr2103
      Where did you see MC?

      1. In Tola Odejayi’s comment, plus you used it on my note too.

  16. Long….

    I heard to finish it because its interested piece

    the guy thing coming at last is good suspense

    well done KC

    1. @iykewifey, PLEASE, cut down your errors. They’re just too much! You definitely don’t expect me to start correcting your expressions.

      1. Thank you @babyada

        i don`t expect you to do it for me but i wouldn`t mind if your kind enough to.

        either ways.

        let me start from doing the correction my self.

        interested piece/ interesting piece
        guy/gay.

        i definately want to get better if not i would not be here.

        sometimes i know what to say but either i`m in a hurry to put the word correctly or
        i`m having difficulty with my tense.

        i promise myself not to keep up untill i attend my goal.

        i`m not promising you my errors will stop over night but i promise myself not to stop pushing foward to perfection which i will whether you agree with me or not it doen`t matter to me.

        your being piesed will not stop me so get a gripe over yourself.

        if you don`t want to see my errors move on to next thing, i will do it myself, or someone who is kind enough will do it.

        1. I saw one error above

          let me correct it before you burry me again hahahaha

          i promise myself not to keep/give up untilll/until attend my goal.

          1. @iykewifey
            Be offended if you like.
            But you need to settle down and start learning spellings of EVERYTHING!
            You have the passion, but you also lack the talent.
            Your only hope is to LEARN.

            Ok, maybe you have the talent sha, because you make some sense when you post, but…

            1. @kaycee

              i appreciate your point of view,
              I`m offended by your comment,, bit sha, but. truth is bitter but it`s better to say it than to lie which might apear sweet.
              so it`s better to say the truth.

              but watch the way you commit murder with your word even if you`re saying the truth!

              1. @iykewifey, truth is the only entity that can and should commit murder.
                You should be offended.
                You writing is really terrible. It is offensive to the senses.
                Just take the point and work on it. You are in the right place.

                1. @kaycee your critic is horrible what are you feeling like? I admit I that I have to work on on my tenses and structuring editing properly before I post that is the truth I meant not that you the whole truth, you said I should learn spellings I felt offended because I know most of my spellings!

                  You did not even say thank to me for commenting on your post

                  Let my point your error above

                  Your writing not you writing
                  Learn how to make co
                  Learn how to make constructive critic were here to learn and improve including icons and Legend there is not limit in acquiring knowledge!

                  1. Sorry about the double typos I was on my iPad one big truth about me is I know I have issues but with typing errors I’m working on it. I believe he who has no sin should cast the first stone know one is above mistakes.
                    I admit that I have to work on my tenses and structuring editing properly before I post that is the truth I meant, not that you know the whole truth.,,,,,hahahaha u see I know my spellings.

                    Let me point my your errors. Have done the correction myself. You might feel offended but i don’t care! Hahahaha!

        2. I’m not pissed at all. I’m just trying to let you see what a lot of people prefer to ignore about you. I know you’re very strong-willed, that’s why I had the courage to tell you. Just pay attention to the details you prefer to run over carelessly, that’s all. At least you’re a writer and if not for anything else, you’re supposed to teach right to a reasonable extent.

          As for your expressions, maybe if you were my husband or child (LOL!) I would have corrected you. But since you’re not, then I let you do that yourself.

          No offense meant at all.

    2. @kaycee, I hope you won’t infuse this strange darkness your piece usually carries into my head.

      Still like the others; strong strange feeling.

      1. @babyada, don’t worry, I won’t. Am writing something totally different, titled redemption. I hope peeps would also assume that I am a christian, since peeps judge me by whatever I write.
        Lol

  17. Not bad.

    Well done!!!

    1. @easylife2.
      Really? Am not so sure anymore.

  18. The moving words and the plea of a son for the unconditional love of a father made for a good read despite its predictability. Imagine writing this from a wife who has discovered her husband actually is struggling – and you have a powerful story. Yet this is good.

  19. I kinda knew where the story was going but i thought being oga @kaycee, it will be different. Also. I feel you kept repeating the same questions and statements by rephrasing them. What I like about this is the fact that you wrote from a gay’s perspective. I’ve always tried to understand that sexual preference and be unbiased about it. With this, I think I can say I understand…..a bit. E no mean say I accept am o.

    Perhaps, I can be daring enough to write about the psychological effects the society’s outright disgust have on them. That should make a good story…I think.

    Still, good job.

  20. in honesty, i knew the end before i got there, right after the episode with the porn mags. so the punch at the end was watered down for me, but then, if that’s the way it came out from ur mind, who am i to fault it? well done bros

  21. Nt too bad.
    Tons of lessons.

  22. No b small tin.

  23. I predicted he was gay but getting down I was beginning to think that he was ‘straight’. I wanted then to skip it and reach the end but that part about his father not skipping the letter stopped me.
    I can’t say my prediction was right, neither cannot call it wrong. You’re a nice storyteller.

    1. Thank you for reading
      @kachi

  24. Trash.It is unprofessional and unwriterly to write your insipid disgusting memoirs and post it as fiction.I don’t blame you.You have a barren and not a fertile imagination. Returning the insult.

    1. @yahayamadu: Guy, this is not cool. NOT cool. Seriously. If he indeed insulted you at some point, don’t take revenge by calling what is clearly not trash, so. Haba mana.

      1. @Chemokopi it seems some people like to criticize without being criticized in return. I know why I made that comment. The creature utters trash that no one else does! I was pissed off. And after all is said and done, I owe you nor anyone else an apology. We are fucken writers. And writers should watch what they say.

  25. Interesting. Emotional. Well written.

    If you had been able to successfully shroud the fact he was gay, to the end, then this would have been a masterpiece.

    Well done.

  26. na wa o. C as dat guy de insult oga @kaycee.
    @chemokopi. U can read my best short SWEET TABOO.

  27. Geez….I could not even finish reading it….too long and full of words of pleading. I got bored to finish it sorry @kaycee but I am guessing he is writing to his father cus he is gay.

    I feel sorry for gay people sometimes for the way ppl churn them without understanding. I dnt understand why they are the way they are so I have refused to judge them. I am sensitive to especially the kinds who dnt throw it in your face cus of fear of retribution and discovering helplessly they different.

    I strongly believe that something went wrong genetically….maybe they have a different number of chromosomes that altered their DNA. Maybe their cells mutated just like cancer cells…yet no one questions cancer.
    I have argued that same way some children were born with cystic fibrosis, down syndrome, ezcema and so many others; these where due to altered cells or DNAs.
    Just like some ppl only develope some illnesses and auto-immune diseases and disorders like MS, type 2 diabetes mellitus, sarcoidosis etc There are also some who led normal lives but started feeling different at a later stage too….cell mutation much?? I know its scary cus we dnt understand it.

    However, I also believe there are ppl who decide to become gay by lifestyle…..because its convenient for them or fit into the way they want to live etc. These types do annoy me lol. My fingers hurt now….stop!

  28. this is making my night

Leave a Reply