Moderator: This is the transcript of a dialogue between ‘Me’ and ‘I’. It is not between “Me and I”…as in …not between the “Me”and “I” in Me, but just between a “Me” and an “I”…as in…as in…in-short just read it already.
NB: I also said a few things, so should it still be called a dialogue??
Me: On a very serious note, something should be done about public breastfeeding; a law or something should be made…you know just as they have done with smoking in many places.
I: Come on man, why would you say such a thing?
Me: No, no…don’t get it wrong…I am a total boob’s guy, that’s for sure
Me: And I seriously advocate that guys should wake up and see the light and then we might stop having things like Ass-men or Leg-men. Like ass-men for example, I am pretty sure that it evolved into our very popular guy on guy…
Moderator: Hey! Leave them out of this…they got their rights you know? It’s nobody’s faults that we see…
ME & I: We?
Moderator: What? Sharap two of you…mstchw!
Me: Hmm! nawa o…well sha, back to what I was saying; they should really put up a law or something because the rate at which women are now indecently exposing themselves and thus harassing us is becoming unbearable
I: Haba, is it that serious?
Me: Yes o, it’s not a joke. It’s happening everywhere. When I go to buy things in the market, when I am minding my own business in a bus, when I go for my annual check-up and the one that even gets to me is when it happens in the church.
I: Hehe! Its true sha, that one has happened to me too
Me: You see…that’s why I am saying this law has to be made, so that by the time they start fining them, then all these mama’s would think twice and learn to get a shawl or wrapper to cover themselves as they breastfeed.
I: It’s not only old women nowadays, some young ladies and all those belle-miss-road girls…not that I have anything against them…do it
Me: If it is those ones, it is understandable. At least they would be indecently exposing something decent, hehe! but the one I am talking about is all those fortyish and above women whose stretch marks are like zebra crossings and have sagged badly that it is only fitting to nickname them sagacious…those are the ones I am talking about.
I: Hmm! nawa for you o
Me: No, leave it o. If the government is serious for once, they should put a man in charge of women affairs, so that…
I: Someone like whom?
Me: I am not vying, but if I was there it would be sure that I would do wonders. There would be massive enlightenment on a lot of things, by that time I would have finished my cleavage rule sef.
I: Cleavage rule?
Me: Ehen nah, you mean I haven’t told you about it all these while?
I: No o, which one is that one again?
Me: It’s a set of rules governing ladies, girls and even old women who claim to be young at heart, on how they should act or behave with regards to their cleavage.
I: Like what?
Me: Number one is if a woman has a cleavage she should be proud to show it except, number two which is if the cleavage can be termed as a false package…so you see…cleavage, then show, false package, then don’t.
I: Which one is false package again nah? You would be coming up with all these crazy ideas everyday
Me: False packages are those kinds of breasts that are like attachments and all they do, I mean the women, is package them into confidence bra’s making it look like the real deal, thus creating a cleavage mirage.
Moderator: Yes, it happens…even some guys; I mean girls wear baggy trousers to…
Me& I: Abeg o!
Me: Number three is if it is not presentable, then don’t show it…this would be for ladies who have more hair on their chest that Esau or Jacob or any guy at all
I: Hehehehe! It can be so irritating…I can imagine me trying to…you know…and then spitting out hair…yuck!
Me: Hehehe! That would be bad o. Number four is if you are lactating; don’t show off because you would make men to be baby-hating. It’s bad enough that nursing mothers have their breasts swollen up because of milk, which still puts it in the false package zone, but knowing that the breasts belongs to the child only…as in, off limits, no trespass zone…isn’t something to make any man smile about, sometimes even if the child is his.
I: Even that one won’t stop some men o!
Me: Number five is if you don’t want to show, then don’t wear a clothe that shows…because sometimes I see women putting their hands on their chests to cover up when they want to bend down to pick something or lets say…sweep…they would be hiding it as if the clothes were forced on them, even the ones who are as flat as…I don’t even know sef.
I: This is serious o!
Me: Yes it is. Shebi we are in a democratic dispensation and all the talk one hears is about revamping and all those other yeye catch-phrases that politicians use, sha as for me, I believe I can do it and off-course make the change…With my right hand on my breast, I say: Yes I can…