CRUX OF THE CROSS
Darkness ravaged the land
Stealing away in cloaked garb…
Spoils and coffers of wordly sins
In the deadness of mortal wits…
Purloined, the world is bereft
of the temple’s veil and the altar’s banquet
Dignity-raped, he stumbled
On shackled feet he fumbled
Befuddled by the bloody tears
Whipped astride justice mare
What miscarriage in Pontius’ court !
Angels howled in taunting mount
Bloodbath at Calvary close
Redemption at Christ’s woes
Surging brook from the saviour’s pore
Ardent passion for the world’s cause
Not my will but yours be done
On ladened shoulder, the brunt he bore…
Finding Wole-Fash
Not sure about this as a whole. Some lines really shined, while others are so-so.
Please edit and add the missing articles, as well make the tenses consistent.
Thanks @Myne: I dug this from the archive of “gone-by” days and decided to leave it the way it was. I understand the so-so lines, the missing articles is what I don’t get. I’d be happy if you’ll expantiate on this.
Stealing away in {a} cloaked garb…
Whipped astride justice{‘s} mare
Angels howled in {a} taunting mount
______
Above are some examples. When you use singular, like garb or mount, it is better to add an article like a or the before it to give the sentence a better structure.
Thanks @myne: I get the drift better now. i think the articles got lost in transit somewhere along the way. Thanks again.
ditto Myne’s response
Err…kind of like it stumbled it’s way to the end…
@ Seun-Odukoya: you think?
this piece suffers from the allergy of the ‘tad-pole’ syndrome…..
what’s the allergy of the “tad-pole” syndrome @yhemie
Would like to know.
My only issue with this is the tense in the 1st stanza..besides that I like the poem, because U tried to put Christ’s sufferings in lines and tell us the reason for the season…Spirit of easter huh?..Well done.
P.S..wouldn’t it be better if you put the lines according to the way they went…he got flogged and all b4 d curtain tore..2nd stanza wld come b4 d 1st that way…*just thinking*
@Bubbllinna: I guess the brevity of it kinda left out some elements and it doesn’t help either that it was written on the spur of the moment. i understand the chronological arrangement you recommended. that’s a brilliant idea!
This is about Christ shey? But my guy, e get as e be o. Why the ellipsis at the end of some of those lines?
Finding wole- fash?
That’s part of the poem abi?
@kaycee: that was a gaffe on my part. Not part of the poem, more like a sign-off.:)
I like the poem. It is cool to me.
thanks @gooseberry. it was a thrill writing this.
make sense. i njoy d poem
i’m glad u enjoy it @clemency
I enjoyed the sense it made, about the structuring and other flaws, take note of preceding comments.
I’ll be sure to take notes. I’m glad u got the gist
The first stanza need restructuring,,
nice title.
Nice title.