Justice Justus

Justice Justus

Characters:

Judge aka Justice Justus

Clerk

Male counsel

Female counsel

Orderly

Mr. Alimi

Mr. Judas Hiscarrot

 

{Court in session. The Clerk is sitted with files stacked on her table, on her face is a brand of red coloured
spectacles. The Male counsel and Female counsel are sitted dressed in their nightgowns. There is an
orderly, a short stout man who is wearing a funny clothing and very dirty boots. The Judge, Justice Justus
Esquire, marches in. His wig has red colour on one side and white colour on the other. He takes his
position, just above the clerk.}

CLERK: C-O-U-R-T

{All stands except the audience.}

Judge: Why did they not stand? {pointing to the audience}

Female Counsel: My Lord, they are the audience.

Judge: And so what? Is this a cinema? This is my court!

Female Counsel: But my Lord, is it permitted for the audience to participate in a play?

Judge: Is this a play? Anyway, anyway, I will permit such ludicrous behavior, but just today. My wife happened to treat me to a most delicious meal this morning and I will like to extend the good gesture.

Female Counsel: Very well, my lord.

Judge: Sit down counsel. Now my ever dutiful clerk, what do we have today?

Clerk: {giggles with whole body} My Lord, we have some sensational cases today.

Judge: Sensational? On a beautiful day like this! I need exotic cases, not sensational.

Clerk: Not only are they sensational, they are very interesting.

Judge: Well then, let’s have them.

Clerk: The first case is about a man with a missing penis

{Audience chatter}

Judge: Order in my court! {Bangs the gavel on the table}

Clerk: Order!

Judge: Clerk, fire on.

Clerk: My Lord, the innocent man was going on the way when this penis-thief rid him of his most treasured possession.

Judge: Ha ha ha! This case made me remember The beatification of Area Boy written by Wole Soyinka of Blessed Memory.

Male Counsel: But my Lord, The Nobel Laureate is still very much alive.

Judge: Well, it must be his elder brother that is dead, pardon me. In the play, we had a similar case only that Wole Soyinka could not show us the real action. Maybe we get to watch a first-hand reality show today. Orderly! Send them in.

{Orderly runs out and soon enters with two men. He was seriously holding an area around his groin and
his face looked twisted in a way that could erupt into tears while the other was looking so calm}

Judge: What happened to you? Yes, the man holding his groin! Tell us your name and the de-tails…

Alimi: My name sir is…

Judge: Sir! Incorrect! In the Court of Law you address the judge as My Lord.

Alimi: {Bends dutifully} Sorry, my Lord.

Judge: Good, Fire on.

Alimi: My name is Alimi Jaganjagan. I am a good man to both friends and family. That is why I do not understand why this tumultuous burden became mine.

Judge: Hee, hee, Mr. Alimi. We are not here to listen to the story of your life. Tell us why you are here.
Shikenah!

Alimi: Sorry, My Lord. Yesterday, I was going along Sabo market when I bumped into that man. {points at the other man.}

Man: So, I am now the causer of your so called tumultuous burden? Heee heee heee {Laughs}

Alimi: Yes, you stole it.

Judge: Mr. Man, you do not talk until you are licensed to do so. Now, Mr. Alimi Jaganjantis,

Alimi: Jaganjagan My Lord.

Judge: Hmmm, what did this man do to you?

Alimi: {Still holding his groin} He stole it.

Judge: What did he steal?

Man: Hmmm, I wonder o.

Alimi: He stole it. He stole my thing.

Judge: Mr. Alimi. You are not helping this court by not giving us the vivid description of what was
stolen.

Alimi: He stole my man-machine {cries}

Judge: Man-machine?

Alimi: My element

Judge: Element?

Alimi: My lord, he stole my wife’s delight.

Judge: I think I can get a shrewd description of what you intone. Ha ha ha. This is really getting interesting. Okay, you are accusing this man here of stealing your machete?

{Court Roars}

Alimi: {laughs and cries at the same time} Yes, My Lord. Yes.

{Court Roars again.}

Judge: Order in this court o! Thank you. Now Mr. Alimi. Do you have evidence?

Alimi: Evidence ke? What more evidence is wanted? As soon as the man touched me, m-a-c-h-e-t-e disappeared.

{Court roars}

Judge: Disappearing Act of a Machete? This is more than what we think. Clerk, are you writing this?

Clerk: Most delightedly My Lord.

Judge: Can you show this court the former abode of the missing machete?

Alimi: A man that is down needs fear no fall My Lord. In this case, if the whole world wants to see, all
well and good.

{Man begins to untie his belt. At the point of dropping his loose trousers on the floor, crowd erupts.}

Judge: S-T-O-P

Alimi: But the evidence my Lord…

Judge: Well, it just occurred to me that it will be most unholy for the audience, especially as I can see that minors are fully sitted in the court. Now, Male Counsel and Female Counsel, you will have to do this job for us.{Male Counsel and Female Counsel stands up.} Go and check and let us know if this allegation is true.

{They both leave with Mr. Alimi}

Judge: The mister accused you of stealing the machete, what have you to say? What is your name so thatthis court can address you properly?

Judas: I am Judas.

Judge: What a crucificial name…

Clerk: Indeed, my Lord. That name is pleading guilty already.

Judge: Clerk, will you mind your business!

Clerk: Yes, my Lord.

Judge: Judas, what is your surname?

Clerk: My surname is Hiscarrot

{Court roars}

Judge: Order in my court! Good. Mr. Judas Iscariot, do you plead guilty to the allegation before this honourable court?

Judas: My name is Hiscarrot not Iscariot.

Judge: Hiscarrot, Iscariot? Is there a difference?

Judas: Yes my Lord, in its spelling.

Judge: Well then, spell your name to this honourable court.

Judas: H-I-S- C-A-R-R-O-T.

Clerk: My lord, as I am writing down his name, it is so visible that the name of this man corresponds to the allegation leveled against him.

Judge: What do you mean?

Clerk:{Stands and adjusts herself} Thank you my Lord. As we all know Judas betrayed his master for 30 silver coins. Invariably, Judas means thief. And… we know it is a case of theft that is before us today.

Judge: Eh eh eh, Mr. Clerk? Is that all you wasted our time for?

Clerk: That’s not all my Lord. We all know what symbol carrot stands for. Therefore, Judas His Carrot means stealing the man’s carrot.

{Court roars}

Judge: Order! Order in this court!

{Alimi comes in still crying. Male and Female counsel follow, shivering.}

Judge: Yes, what did the evidence prove?

Male Counsel: My Lord, what I have to say may be very disturbing.

Judge: Just say it! What has the ears not heard before?

Male Counsel: The man has been right all along. As soon as I got a very good view of the area you told us to check, I was quite baffled. So I told my Female counsel to checkmate the bismalbismal and she will do the honour of telling this court the report of our most ignoble findings.

Judge: Yes, female counsel?

Female Counsel: My Lord, what we found was a clear case of 1stdegree theft. The thief did not leave anything for us to see. The man’s penis and all its entrails showed evidence of larceny.

Judge: Thank you my counsels. Go to your seats. Now that it is established that it is a pure case of theft due to the convincing evidence, the suspect, Mr. Judas should tell us if he is guilty or not guilty.

Judas: My Lord, I may be guilty.

Judge: That is a neither-here or there affirmation. In all my years of jurisprudence, I can swear I have never heard such a foolish reply. Eh, look here Mr. Judas, this is not a playground.

Judas: I did not say so My Lord

Judge: Are you guilty or not guilty? This honourable court needs to know…

Judas: If I say I am guilty My Lord, I shall not be telling a lie but I may be.

Judge: What is the meaning of all these nonsense? Do you think I want to spend the whole day listening to you? Will you not do us justice by letting us know if this man’s {points to Alimi} machete is in your possession or he has to look for it elsewhere? Anyway, Orderly, take this man to the dungeon until something reasonable comes out of his mouth.

Judas: That will not be fair my Lord. That will not be justice.

Judge: I am a judge. Where else will justice come from? O-R-D-E-R-L-Y!

{Orderly moves towards Judas}

Judas: In my family My Lord, {Orderly takes three steps forward and is about to grab Judas’ hands but
stops to listen to what he has to say} we inherit a particular gift.

Judge: What is the correlation of that statement with what we have now?

Judas: Our bodies have a man of making a man’s penis disappear by mere touch. {Orderly takes three steps backwards} So you see, I do not know this man from Adam and if perchance his predicament was to
be from me, it was not my intention.

{Court roars}

Judge: I see!

Judas: If you do not believe me sir, I can try and touch a man in this court.

Clerk: Who will that possibly be?

Judas: Since this is a first degree theft My lord, I will like to do the honours of touching you so that it will become a first degree evidence and you can see that I have no power over this peculiar gift of nature!

Judge: That will not be necessary but if the court deems it fit, we can start with the male counsel.

{Court Roars}

Male Counsel: My Lord that may not be possible because I am a new groom. My wife is yet to repay in kind her dowry entitlements.

Judge: {Bangs his gavel} No evidence needed. Mr. Judas Iscariot, is your gift bi-faceted? I mean can you undo that which you have done?

Judas: That is the good thing about the gift my Lord. Absolutely. All I need do is to take the man back to the scene where it all happened, close my eyes in deep meditation and then energy transfers from me to him and there it is.

Judge: Just like that!

Judas: {smiles} Yes, My Lord.

Judge: And why did you not do that before coming here?

Judas: I do not do it for free. He must pay me.

Alimi: Pay you for what? Did I pay you to steal it from me?

Judge: How much do you want?

Judas: Thirty naira in 10 places.

Clerk: Judas!

Judge: Now my judgment! {Adjusts his spectacles and coughs} Mr. Alimi, it was established that your machete was stolen and Judas here rightly gave us a clue that such disdain acts of chivalry runs in his family. He knew this and even asked for monetary compensation! I hereby pronounce Mr. Judas guilty of
the theft of Mr. Alimi’s machete and he is to return it with due effect! {Bangs the gavel) O-R-D-E-R-L-Y, throw your handcuffs to Mr. Alimi {Orderly throws his handcuffs to Mr. Alimi} Now chain Mr. Judas and drag him to the point where it happened. When he has given you back what he stole from you, release
the handcuffs and bring it back here.

{Mr. Alimi handcuffs Judas, collects the key to the handcuffs from the orderly and drags Mr. Judas out of the courtroom.}

Judge: Pheeeeeeeew! {Adjusts his wig} Thank God all that is over. {Yawns} Next case Clerk!

Clerk: The next case sir is between Mr. Defiant and Mrs. Defiant. Mr. Defiant wants a divorce because of his wife’s randy behaviours but Mrs. Defiant has claimed that she has signed for better, for worse and till death do part. The male counsel will be supporting Mr. Deviant will the female counsel will support Mrs.
Deviant.

Judge: Well noted but before we plunge into the unclear but tumultuous waters of the Deviants, let this
honourable court take a break of thirty minutes {Bangs the gavel and rises}

Clerk: C-O-U-R-T!

{All stands as Justice Justus goes out of the courtroom.}



12 thoughts on “Justice Justus” by adeniyi ife (@reetaa)

  1. Wow!

    I like the crazy weird humor! Well done!

    ‘His Carrot’ indeed…LOL!!!

    1. thanks, yeah, you can call it crazy

  2. hehehehehe i had a smile all thru nt knowing wat to expect next. gud job

  3. this is okay…

  4. i like the humor. u should write for nollywood.

  5. This is hilarious!!
    Expertly told.
    Don’t go to Nollywood, they will spoil the whole thing for you.

    1. Thanks for the comment.

  6. Adeniyi, this is a hilarious and well written script. I’ll definitely like to see this performed.

  7. Adeniyi, when will this play be performed?I must be there to experience it first hand.Don’t leave me out of the setting o.this is a great work¬Keep it up

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