Suitorcide*

Breathe, Emma, breathe! You can do this. Don’t lose your nerve now! She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. Schooling her features into a practised smile, her expression revealed nothing of the raging battle she was engaged in internally, willing her thumping heart to slow down and coaxing her breathing into a seemingly regular rhythm.

“You see, the incongruities of the situation are quite anecdotal.  I said to Donald. You shouldn’t say ‘irregardless’; it’s an Americanism, a pleonasm*. He replied saying I’m prone to being superfluous and pedantic.Did you know the word ‘pedantic’ is derivative of the word ‘pedant’ which itself originates from the Latin…”

She stopped listening and retreated into her mind, into the parallel universe she’d created where grammar simply didn’t exist. Harry continued to drone on about his ‘intellectual discourse’. That’s what he liked to call it; she could think of many other choice words but wouldn’t dare let them see the light of day.

It was the only way she could get through their ‘date night’. What a farce! Anybody looking at them would think they were a regular couple. They were anything but!

She’d noticed Harry first. He came in to Bookers once a week and would browse books for hours. She worked as the floor supervisor and usually dealt with his inquiries about some book or the other. She’d been enamoured by Harry, his extensive vocabulary and love for words. She could listen to the cadence of his voice as he spoke for hours. Well, actually Harry didn’t just speak, he “postulated”; he didn’t just think or speculate but “theorised and hypothesized”; he didn’t just argue, he “elucidated” and on and on.

She wasn’t what you’d call pretty or even attractive. She’d come to terms with the fact that she would never turn heads like some girls did and had resigned herself to being an old maid as she had no hope of any man falling for her. So when he asked her out on a date, she couldn’t believe her good fortune.

He took her to an open mike evening where he read out some of his poetry. She was impressed and felt even more privileged that he’d chosen her instead of any number of girls he could have had. One thing led to another and soon they were living together. She would have much preferred he made an honest woman of her, she was old-fashioned like that but she kept reminding herself that she was a getting a much better deal than she’d ever hoped.

She wasn’t in the habit of expressing her feelings to Harry, at least not anymore. Every time she offered an opinion, he would shoot her down, correct her pronunciation, and tell her she’d used the wrong word or expression. She soon came to learn it was best not to say anything.

But not this time! This was one time too many and she’d had it.

“That’s it; I’ve had enough! I can’t take anymore of this nonsense! I’m leaving.” She yelled as she sprang out her chair back sending it hurtling into the air and landing with a loud bang, grabbed her handbag and started to walk out of the restaurant.

Harry cast a surreptitious glance at the other patrons who were gaping at them, threw some bills on the table and slunk out of the restaurant.

“What do you mean you’re ‘leaving’? He asked, stunned, as he caught up with her outside.

“I mean, I can’t live with you any longer. I can’t take any more of your sesquipedalian* put-downs. I may be malapropistic* and commit logocide* sometimes but your constant employment of tautology* is driving me mad. The constant logomachies* are doing my head in!” She shook her finger in his face, just missing his bulging eyeballs.

“You accuse me of verbicide* yet you yourself are uxoricidal*! Your orthoepy* doesn’t give you the right to constantly belittle me. You denigrate, disparage and deprecate me every chance you get.

“What’s up? Cat got your tongue?” She asked as he stared at her in shock.

She sauntered off, teetering in the high heels she’d worn to please him, not that he’d noticed or acknowledged, smiling in the knowledge that she could boast of something very few, if any, could – getting one up on Harry; and for the first time since she’d known him, he was at a complete loss for words.

~~~~~~

 

*Logomachy – dispute over words

*Malapropism – an act or habit of using words ridiculously;  confusion of words that are similar in sound

*Orthoepy – study of correct pronunciation of words

*Pleonasm – redundant word

*Sesquipedalian – given to using long words

*Logocide/verbicide – destruction of the meaning of words

*Suitorcide – killing of a suitor’s chances with a potential mate

*Uxoricidal – tendency to murder one’s wife

*Tautology – needless repetition of the same sense in different words

 



19 thoughts on “Suitorcide*” by The-Wordsmythe (@The-Wordsmythe)

  1. Yeah, you are a wordsmythe (smythologist?), darling. I like this post. It’s clever, and I learned a few new words. Heavy ebo. I will use one or more of them today o. There are a lot of Harries out there who love to beat you upside the head with what they know and correct you, and correct you…Glad Emma let him have it. You seem to write with more than one voice, Wordsmythe. A previous post of yours that I read here, Unwelcome Guest, had a different rhythm and flow to it. You got skills.

  2. OH
    LORD
    ABOVE
    IN
    HEAVEN.

    ALL
    HONOUR
    GLORY
    TO
    YOUR
    NAME.

    You are a confirmed nut…this wordsmythe of a misnomer…or misnomer of a writer…you’re mad!

    Thank you for the first laugh of the day. Suitorcide indeed!

  3. Hey, you trying to drive me crazy or what….I have to keep my dictionary in my bag eh?…I got a good laugh too, and thanks for that crazy piece…

  4. This was crazily funny…I enjoyed it and good for Emma that she finally stood tall to him and let him have a piece of her mind. Good job girl. I hope I dont bite my tongue with those words…

  5. Second time reading this and still got me laughing. Nice one.

  6. Did I find it funny? no….no! perhaps, intriguing.
    Wordsmythe, you got to be kidding me.

    What’s your area? Linguistics?

    Never mind that I asked.

    Nice all the same.

  7. This was a well written story, Wordsmythe. But although I get the reason you ended the story the way you did (with Emma giving Harry a dose of his medicine), it didn’t quite ring true for me. I think that if Emma was as frustrated and angry as she was, she would have just said what she said using words that she would usually use.

    1. shai (@shaifamily)

      Read Below for my comment…

  8. I tore my dictionary cos of this post! The words were not there.
    @Tola, emma probably caught the bug from Harry, she must have used them unconsciously.

    1. shai (@shaifamily)

      @Kaycee…Cerebral condition. We down here call it brainwashing.

      Shakespeare invented more than 1,000 words into the English vocabulary, so who says our wordsmythe shouldn’t?

      Wordsmythe…that should give u a clue where the MC is coming from.

      1. shai (@shaifamily)

        Wordsmith – Wordsmythe!

  9. Its just like reading revised shakespeare with a lot equally voluminous side notes. But in between the heavy words it was funny. Nice.

  10. I see the birth of a new dictionary, the one that Kaycee would’nt tear up. A good read and it sent the message home. Expecting more words from the Wordsmythe.

  11. Mehn! Wordsmythe… you really smite words… hah! I can’t shout!

  12. Thanks to Encarta Dictionaries and the mystery is solved. Ahn ahn… Sesquipeda…wHAT??
    I enjoyed the humor too. She gave it to the guy as it was in her mind.

  13. I typed these words in Google, and I got ‘ERROR!’ each time.
    Nice one here. Welcome deviation from Ur previous post. But I agree with Tola in a way. I was a bit surprised like Harry on the way she started using words as well…Wasn’t she supposed to be ordinary?

    1. shai (@shaifamily)

      Remember she is a floor attendant at BOOKERS?
      ‘Living’ with all those books and not be a book worm?
      You must love reading to work in such places, plus having Harry is like adding a lit match to a bucketful of petrol – though she did her utmost to quench the impending conflagration!
      Hehehehehe.

  14. i like words and i pride myself that i know how to twist them, especially in my poetry…i must confess here that…I DO NOT KNOW 80% OF THOSE WORDS!

    the write up is coool

  15. Hahahahahahahahah!!! Especially love the part where she showed the “teacher” how good a “pupil” she had been..

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