How are you doing? Hope you’re not too stressed out from delivering gifts to almost everyone’s doorstep (excluding mine).
I’m sure you’ve gotten a million and one letters requesting for one Christmas gift or the other. No! This isn’t one of those. I’m writing this letter to ask for your hand in marriage. Yes! Your hand in marriage. I’m sure you’re surprised; I am too. But before I go on professing my love for you, I’d like to ask a few questions if you don’t mind (after all, I should have enough information about who I want to marry).
First of all, Nigerians call you ‘Father Christmas’ so what’s your real name, surname and other names? Did you go to any schools and do you have degrees? How many are you in your family and what number are you? What State/Country are you from and where do you currently reside? What are your hobbies, best food, best colour, likes and dislikes? Do you have any friends? If you do, who are they? I really don’t want to know if you’re married or not because I don’t mind being number one or any other number.
People just collect gifts from you without bothering to ask these: where do you get the money to buy all these gifts? Or do you manufacture them yourself? Do you deliver these gifts by road, air, or water? Because you deliver to all parts of the world.
I know it’s weird that I don’t know anything about the person I want to marry. It’s not totally my fault. I searched for you on Google but I didn’t get answers to the above questions. I’ve always heard and am still hearing so many nice things about you (even though I hear them only during Christmas). They say you’re a cheerful giver; we’ll have a symbiotic relationship “givers never lack. They say you’re good with children; our children wouldn’t grow up in a master-servant environment. They also say your laughter sounds like HOHOHOHOHO! That will keep me falling in love with you over and over again.
I know the man is supposed to propose to the woman but hey! Our case is different; you’ll never propose to me because you don’t know me. I really don’t know how to express the way I feel about you because I’ve never done this before. When I was a little child, I used to see you at parties. While other children were scared of you, I wasn’t; I had a crush on you. But now, when I crash a kiddies party (just to see you), I just feel like taking you home to be mine.
Will you marry me?
Oh! Wait a minute! I told you nothing about myself. Well, your response to this will determine if it’s necessary that I tell you about me or not. I’ll stop here for now. I don’t even know how to get this across to you. But I know you’ll get it somehow since people’s wishes get to you. Before I forget, I slipped a ring into this envelope. I know it should have come as a surprise but I don’t want the floor to have a feel of it before you.
Thanks for reading.