FART STORY= COMPETITION OF MESS
because i fart alot and wanted to go into relationship i stop eating beans and egg because of this lady i like so much, she aggreed to be friends with me so i started giving her everything whithin my capacity anytime she ask hoping that maybe oneday she will agree to date me..
i later discovered she was just playing me to make a fool of me.. well man no die such is life nobody wins them all.. man decided to move on..
one night she showed up at my door very late sweating profusely asking and begging to pass the night at my place which i objected but the way she was begging and has started alerting the neighbors i decided to let her in. my refusal in the first place was not out of malice but because it was friday and i have eaten my friday special gassy food combination..
what happen to her was that.. she.lied about going to night vigil then crisscross to night club with a guy, then police shows up started grabbing everybody, she barely luckily escaped after her guy has been grabbed..
well me i accept but that night i had eaten my favorite friday combination of MOI MOI, BEANS BREAD EGGS AND BANANAS, I ALSO DRANK MILK AND AGBO JEDI ONI ISO(FART PORTION).
.I let her in and ask if she can manage the couch but she said she will share the bed with me but quickly warn me against having any funny ideas of thinking something will happen between us.. i told her i wont think such a thing and the reason i wanted her to take the couch was that i will fart alot because of the food i eat that evening,
she said its no problem she will not mind since its just to sleep and wake up, it will not bother her, i started farting immediately and didnt hold back the mess
bbbbbrrrrruuuaaaapppaappaapaa, fffrruuuuu,, bbbrrraatrt,, gggbbbbbbrrrrruuuuummmb..
the farting continued nonstop until she couldnt bear it anymore and start to complain and told me to stop,
she said she cant sleep with all the loud mess, if i could mess the mess silently she can manage to endour the smell.. i told her i have warn her before and she can leave the bed and take the couch if she feel disturbed so much, because i was not expecting visitor that night so i eat my farting food..
i continue farting until she open her bag and brought one satchet of pills and took 4 tablet..then the farting battle war began..
ppaaa ppoooo pppaaa ppoooopooo ppaa pppaaa bbbrrruuu bbrrrraa pppaaaa bbbtrrruuurt
she started farting like it was a battle ground.. her fart sounded like nockouts and gunshot they smell so very bad that at a point we have to exit the room before we can go back in to start over again,
my place was teaming with mosquitoes noises in the evening before we started our fart battle by the time we reenter the room the mosquitoes were all gone..
till daybreak we farted at each other pollutting every where..
SHE WOKE A LITTLE LATE AND WANTED TO EASE HERSELF IN THE BATHROOM WHEN SHE RELEASED MONSTEROUS THUNDERING LOUD FARTS
SHE DIDN’T NOTICED LADIES ALREADY AT THE BACKYARD, IN THE BATHROOM NEXT TO HER AND IN THE TOILET..
AS IF ALL WERE CHORUSING AT THESAME TIME THEY SHOUTED
“AAAHHH OLORIBURUKU WO NI YEN, TI O FE FI ISO WO ILE MO WA LORI LAARO KUTUKUTU ..AAH EJOO O, HABA ENGINEER SE ENYIN NI YEN, AAH ISO ELEYI POJU OOH …
aaahh who is that unfortunate person that want to destroy the whole building with a giant mysterious fart..engineer ‘i.e me’ are you the one one in the bathroom that mess is too loud ooh. this is too much ooh haba )
I QUICKLY REPLY THEM
“AHH I AM NOT THE ONE OOH I AM INSIDE MY ROOM OOH”
“so who is inside the bathroom? who ever is inside there hope you are not pooping inside there ooh because that mess is too loud and very long to be just ordinary”
all the women yeld..
“oya come ouside now now who ever you are”
after much yelling she muster the courage to come out, that was when the noise that woke up the whole house started.. you know how women yell when they see something unexpected especially from another female.
. they were like
“AAAHH AUNTY NA YOU DEY MESS LIKE MAN.. YOUR MESS BE LIKE ATOMIC BOMB”
my next door neighbor push her in the head
“where do you come from and who did come to visit?”,
she shyly answer
when the women would not allow her to escape, they were gathered around her.. they yelled my name
“ENGINEER COME OUT OOH SHE SAY NA YOU GIVE AM PERMISSION MAKE SHE COME BOOMB OUR HOUSE WITH BIG BIG MESS”..
i quickly defend myself
“nooo she pleaded to spent the night because it was late and she couldnt get transportation to her house yesternight so i let her pass the night ooh”
“is she not your girlfriend or you want to deny her after you have used and enjoyed her last night, you men are wicked ooh”
one lady accused me i quickly answer
“ask her now, i am not saying i dont know her but i know her from my shop abi did i touch you yesterday night”
directing my question to her and she shook her head no.
then the insults started raining again. i told them to let her be so they gave a little way but my neighbor pushed her on the back saying
“NA YOU NO LET ME AND MY HUSBAND ENJOY OUR SELVES AND SLEEP YESTERDAY NIGHT, WEY BE SAY NA BIG BIG LOUD MESS YOU DEY MESS BBBRUUU BBRRAAARARAR PRAPRAPRAPA DEY MESS THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT TILL DAYBREAK YEYE GIRL.. FINE GIRL LIKE YOU NO GET CONTROL FOR THIS YOUR BIG NYASH”
she accidentally trip on a small sit and a series of loud farts erupted from her nyash
BBBRAARTPPPAAPAAP BBRRRUUUAA BBRRRUUUAA PPRAAPPAPPAAPPT BBBOOOOO erupted from her buttocks again..
all the women shouted
“hhhheeehhhheee na wa ooh engineer na where you see this one carry no wonder yesterday we just dey hear different type of bomb and gunshot mess nobody fit sleep so na the girl wey you carry come na she wan kill everybody for this house with mess hehehehe.” they started laughing until the smell hit them.
“hhhhhhhmmmmm hhhuuuummmmmhh tchueee uuummmhhhfff, yyeeeehhh
see her mess dey smell like sey pikin die for her belle
aahhh, kkkaaaiii this girl belle don rotten chai this babe na deadbody ooh”…
they all dispersed spitting everywhere and covering their nose and mouth..
this gave a chance for her to escape and left her bag a things at my place.. after the smell dissipated they started looking for her thinking she entered my room. i told them she has left..
it was the topic of discussion throughout that morning till midday.. she called later that morning that i should help her bring her belongings to the shop.. i told i dont intend to go out but she can come and meet me at the junction of my street..
when we met later she blame for everything and for not defending her when the women were picking on her.. i said i was sorry turn around and farted
bbbrrrruuuuupppt BBBRAARTPPPAAPAAP pppooo
on her face she hit with the bag and left…
THE NEXT MONDAY AFTERNOON AT THE SHOP WHEN I WAS GOING ABOUT MY BUSINESS AND I HAVE ALREADY FORGOTTEN THE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED OVER THE WEEKEND ..
THEN SHE SHOW UP IN MY SHOP SAYING SHE WANT TO DOWNLOAD SOME VIDEOS INTO HER PHONE, BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T SHOW ANY CONCERN ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST FRIDAY NIGHT/SATURDAY MORNING I BELIEVED ALL WAS BYGONE, SO I DIDN’T SUSPECT ANYTHING AND TOLD HER TO SIT NEAR ME SO I CAN SHOW HER ALL THE SELECTION I HAVE ON MY LAPTOP FOR HER TO CHOOSE WHICH ONES SHE NEED..
SHE STARTED POINTING TO SOME THEN SUDDENLY.. SHE SHIFT HER WEIGHT ON ONE SIDE RAISE HER LEFT BUTTOCKS AND
BBBBRRRAARRAARRAARRRAARRRAARAARRAARRAARRRAABBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU PPRRRAAARRAAPPAPPAPPPAPPA FFFRAAAPPT FFFRAAAPPT FFFRRAAAPT .. PPPPOOOOOOOO PPOOOOOOUUU PPPOOOOUUU..
THE MESS JUST KEEP COMING FROM HER BOMBOM WITHOUT END.. I QUICKLY PUSH THE DESK TO RUN AND DASH AWAY FROM HER TO ESCAPE BEFORE I SUFFOCATE FROM THE DEADLY FART SMELL.. THE FARTING WITCH WANTED TO REALLY KILL ME OOH SHE GRABBED MY WAIST AND BELT BEFORE I CAN GET TO THE SLIDE GLASS AND PULL ME BACK..
PPRAARRAAARARR FFFUUUUU FFRRRUUU BBBOOO PPRAARRAAARARR FFFUUUUU FFRRRUUU BBBOOOOOOO BBBRRRAAAA PPRAARRARRARR GBBUUU BBOOO..
THE MESS JUST KEEP COMING OUT.. AS IF SHE WAS POSSESSED WITH FART DEMON. I JACKED PUNCHED EVEN KICK AT A POINT JUST GET FREE BUT IT SEEMS HER HAND WAS SUPER GLUED TO MY PANTS..
I WAS ALREADY FEELING LIGHTHEADEDNESS FROM INHALING TOO MUCH FART GASS YET THE FARTING HAS NOT STOPPED, SO I TWISTED HER ARMS SHE SCREAM AND RELEASED HER GRIPP.
I RAN OUT ALMOST BREAKING MY SHOW GLASS..
MY STOMACH ERUPTED AND I PUKED ON THE FLOOR CLOSE TO MY SHOP.. PEOPLE WHO WERE LOOKING AT BOTH OF US THROUGH THE SLIDE GLASS THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE FIGHTING DRAMA and STRUGGLE THOUGHT WE WERE PLAYING ROMANTIC GAME..
YEYE NIGERIAN PPL IF TO SAY E BE DEATH NA SO DEM GO LEF PERSON TO DIE..
AFTER I COMPOSED MYSELF AND SEE PEOPLE GATHERED ARROUND ME SAYING
“SORRY OOH ENGINEER WETIN HAPPEN ABI NA FOOD WEY YOU CHOP NA IM CAUSE YOUR SICKNESS”..
THEY LOOK UP AND THE LADY OPEN THE SLIDE GLASS ALL THE SMELL GUSHING OUT HIT THE SYMPATHIZERS ..
“HHHHUUUUUUMMM HHHHMMMMFFF TCHUEE TTCHUEE HHHUUUMMM SSHHIIT SSHHIT
WETIN DEY SMELL LIKE THIS.. ENGINEER YOU CARRY DEAD BODY FOR INSIDE YOUR SHOP CHAI THIS NA DIE”
EVERYONE RAN AWAY LEAVING ME TO MY PREDICAMENT. THE WIND SPREAD THE FART SMELL ACROSS SOME AREAS IN THE MARKET COMPLEXES AND IT WAS PANDEMIC, PEOPLE COUGHING AND GAGING SOME VOMITING.. AND WHEN THEY ASK WHERE THE SMELL IS COMING FROM THEY ALL POINTED AND SHOUTED
“NA FROM ENGINEER SHOP OOH NOBODY KNOW WETIN HE KILL FOR INSIDE THERE”..
I WAS SUMMON BY MARKET MANAGEMENT TO EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY SHOP I TOLD THEM THAT IT WAS “”BOLANLE”” THAT COME INSIDE MY SHOP AND START FARTING AND POLLUTTING CONTINUOUSLY, THAT IS WHY MY SHOP SMELL SO BAD..
ABEG THEY DID NOT BELIVE AND CLOSED MY SHOP UNTIL I PAID A FINE OF FIVE THOUSAND NAIRA FOR DISRUPTION OF SOME AREA IN THE MARKET.. I NEVER ALLOWED HER INTO MY SHOP AGAIN ANYTIME SHE WANT TO DO OR BUY ANYTHING FROM MY SHOP.. BUT I PAID THE PRICE FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME IN THE MARKET..
LIFE GOES ON BUT SHE ALWAYS HAVE THIS WICKED SMIRK AND LAUGH ANYTIME WE COME ACROSS EACH OTHER IN THE MARKET.. TO BE SINCERE I AM AFRAID OF HER TIL DATE