FART STORY FAMILY DINNER MESS
years ago i have to stay with one of my uncle for a period of time because my mom was very sick and has to be taken to the village for proper care.. i was familiar with the uncle behaviour he like to eat egg and beans all the time for dinner and he doesn’t show any mercy to his wife on anybody around when he wants to fart and release the mess at anytime especially when it was feeding time, tv time, during discussion or prayer time,
sometimes when nepa seized the light and everyone come to the backyard to escape the night heat indoor, he will blow and release a huge fart that will be so loud and long it can give a weak heart a heart attack, everyone will shout
“HAAA OKO IYAWO, ETUN TI DE PELU ISO APAARA.. IYAWO YIN KUU SUURU” (haa mr. so you have started with this ur giant fart again kudos to your patient wife)..
his wife is the opposite very quiet, humble doesn’t say much and will speak respectfully to everyone as if she is younger than even the teenager’s. the neighbors love her the landlord praises her all the time and all the elderly men and women i the compound always pray for her for God to give her the fruit of the womb..
they have been married for five years wih no child, so some time when uncle SEGUN drops another series of fart in the backyard when everyone is trying to enjoy the cool breeze of the night.. the women will accuse him for preventing his wife getting pregnant,
“OKO IYAWO YOU ARE THE ONE DELAYING AND DENYING AUNTY ESTHER PREGNANCY BY WASTING ALL THE CHILDREN THROUGH YOUR UNCONTROLLABLE MESS ALL THE TIME,
dont you know that if a woman farts and pollutes all the time she cannot get pregnant, thesame goes for the husband if he fart too much, he will not be able to impregnate a woman”
the men will quickly disagree and it will turn into a heated arguments in the backyard. some will say its a lie others will say its true sharing different type of scenarios in favor or against the farting habits in the compound..
when the arguments is becoming loud and very noisy that is when MAMA FUNMI A MOTHER OF FOUR WILL WALK INTO THEIR MIST WITH HER GIGANTIC OVERSIZED BOOTY AND FART AT ALL OF THEM..
PRAA PRAAA PRRAA.. PRAAA PPRRAAA.. PRRAARAARAARAA. BBBBOOOUUUUUUUMMPPT..
everyone will be quiet at thesame time before they start shouting at her with all sort of insults and curses, the wise among them will quickly ascond from the area before the smell hit and spread, the remaining nagging ones will perceive the odor and,
“hhhhhuuuuumm hhhuuumm hhhuuummmmfff this mad woman has poisoned us again God will punish her and that her useless big overload NYASH”.
despite this, none can go near her because she has a record of haven beaten 3 men i.e husbands and 5 women in the compound even the landlord doesn’t dare her. she humiliated those she has fought with by sitting on their faces and continuously farting non stop till her husband intervene, if not she can suffocate her victims with her fart.
she is a notorious messing and farting maching, she fart in the kitchen, in bathroom, passage backyard corridor and when she see the women gathered and gossiping she walk towards them, raise one leg up like an athlete shove up one of her huge butt cheek facing them and fart GGGGBBBBBUUUUUUAAAAAARRARRARRARRA.. PPPIIIIIIINNNN.. PPPPUUUUUUNNNNPP..
“aaaahh iso yen de be” (that fart hit the spot).. she will exhale as sign of relief. by this time the gathering would have been scattered..
i learnt all this in my first weeks of staying in that house.
i didn’t have to deal with my uncle bomb at night because i slept in the parlour which was very big and spacious though its just a two room apartment, the only time i have to cope with his fart is when dinner is serve and we have to eat together but it was just few times during the two week i have stayed with them.
all was going on as usual until my uncle’s wife senior sister mama JUMOKE just show up with her daughter JUMMY one sunday evening then whahala started for me.
. first i will have to share the parlour with them then i will have to sleep on the floor with a mat or take the couch because Mama jummy and her daughter will have to sleep on the foam i was using but to my surprise jummy refused to sleep with her mom for no good reason and claimed the mat before i can make a choice, later i discovered the reason in a terrible torture night..
after the pleasantries it was dinner time and since it was a sunday uncle segun was around that makes us five seated at the table,
as usual IYAWO sat across the table as she always does to escape some of the fire power of uncle segun super farts, so mama jummy and jummy were both sitted on both the left and the right closed to uncle..
iyawo gave the prayer but when the prayer was becoming too long we heard a loud fart
PPRAARRARRRARRARRRARAARRAARRARRAAR PPOOUUU from uncle sit,
iyawo quickly said “in jesus name” and we all said amen..
i was surprised that the fart did not even bother our new guest at the table, mama jummy and jummy just act as if nothing happened
abi na only me hear that kin loud mess, well no wahala.
. we were eating bread and beans and as usual uncle has six boiled egg to his plate mama jummy has two egg, jummy one, iyawo and i has none.
at the first bite of the food uncle raises his left buttocks facing mama jummy and
then raises the right buttocks facing jummy and
PPRRA PPRAA PPRAA PPARARARRARARARR PPUUU
. there was silence for few seconds then jummy who was 18yrs bust into loud laughter,
hhahahhahhahhahhahh wwuuuuu i don die ooh..
“shut up whats so funny”
her mother scolded her immediately.
“just imagine no respect at all, oh ya say thank you sir God bless you very well and more power to release more, say it, o ya say it now now before i break your head with this plate cover”
the woman was serious oh, jummy gladly said the words with joy and mama jummy turn to me
“ehn ehn you nko”
i quickly rehearse it as fast as possible. then she turn to iyawo
“iwo nko agbaya, your husband showed that he enjoys the food you cooked for him by blowing a wonderful farts and you cannot appreciate him by saying thank you, yeye wife”
like joke iyawo rehearse with us oh..
i was thinking that was the end of the scolding, i was wrong ooh she now order uncle segun..
“oya baale wa our husband stand up turn face all the food with your bombom and bless all the food with a majestic mess, make it long ooh”
as if under a spell uncle stood up backed the dinning table with all the food ontop, raises one leg and farted some few loud short farts
bbraa bbrrruu pprraa ppraa ppraappt,
“haba you disappoint me let me show you”
mama jummy stood up back the table with her enormous battle ship bottocks then stretched them wide open with her two sturdy hands then start offloading ppprrruuuurrurururururuurururururururururururururururururururururururu.. GBUUAA GBUUAA GBUUAA.. FFFIIIIIINNNNIIIIIIIINNNN.. BBBRRRUUUUUAAAAAA BBBBUUUAAAAA… PPPPPOOOOUUUUUUUUPPUPUPUPPUPUU FFRAPT..
the first fart lasted at least thirty seconds.. she exhaled “aahhh God bless my glorous nyash.. now our food has been bountifuly bless”..
even uncle segun was flabbergasted with his mouth widely open speechless and cofused. we heard from outside the room hailing
“HHUUM UNCLE SEGE WELL DONE OH I DEY GBADUN YOU FOR THIS COMPOUND RIDE ON, NO SLOW DOWN GOD DEY WITH YOU AND YOUR POWERFUL NYASH”
it was mama funmi the notorious farting maching she was in the kitchen. our rooms is located at the backyard, the parlour widows very close to the kitchen.
the rest of the meal was eat in silence, uncle wasn’t able to make another fart at all unlike before that he would have farted more than ten times before the end of the meal, the only person talking and boasting was mama jummy,
she was bragging about her farting escapades at home at work in the bank and even in some public transportation and every now and then between her speech she will raise up her buttocks and let out a couple of fart
ppraapt prrapt pproouu fiiinn fffuuuuuuu fararararraatatpapapappapa..
i rushed my food and wanted to leave the dinning she order me back that it was rude to exit the dinning table before the elders.
“come back here sit down till all the adults has finished..
no manners at all..
ehn ehn iyawo do you still have some eggs i want more”
her daughter shouted
“mummy..more eeggs, ahn ahn, me i will not sleep in thesame room with you oh eh ehn.. i will sleep with aunty and uncle”
“shut up useless girl you want to disturb husband and wife,,
turning to iyawo as she serves her three more eggs and more beans.
“God bless you my sister, thank you sir our baale God bless you, how much are they selling create of egg in this your area i will like to buy my own two create because i will not want to burden you with my own consumption for the two weeks i am going to stay here,
, i used to eat it alot even if i dont eat any othe food i am okay”..
uncle who has not said a word since mama jummys thundering mess compilation decided to be modest..
“ah aunty why should you do that, you are our guest and we must feed you well, it doesn’t speak well of me if you start buying what you eat in my house what kind of inlaw will i be.”
“fiile i insist i know you and your financial status (she let out a couple of fart again before continuing) so dont try to be modest, tomorrow i will chatter egg full this house then bean and plenty milk, na wetin bird chop the bird go carry fly, so dont worry
(she stood up and made very loud and long burp
aah its time to go outside and take some fresh breeze.
eyin omo oya carry plate,
iyawo help with a mat outside i want to stretch my leg and lie down,
ehn oga do you have beer at least stout in your fridge, abeg give one let me use it to dilute this food”
she hawl her massive body with her giant booty outside with the bottle of stout in her hand leaving behind a trail of long loud fart
bbbbrrruurruurruurruuruurruu brra bra brararaaapt
BBBRAARTPPPAAPAAP BBRRRUUUAA BBBRAARTPPPAAPAAP
, it was dark and there was no light. we can hear her exchanging greetings with the neighbors that were trying to relax at backyard as usual. TBC
FART STORY FAMILY DINNER MESS