Coffin On Christmas

Anyone who knew me would instantly conclude that I am not the church type. I can spend a whole year without stepping my foot within a church premises.Going to church was like a waste of time.i felt I was more s[piritual without beimg religious. So when Janet invited me for her church programme on Christmas day,it was easier for me to say no. However janet was my crush so turning down her request was difficult for me. She had been keeping me guessing over my request for a date. Perhaps, if i attend her church programme, my chance would be favored.

The d day came, I arrived at church premiuses by 6;40 am for a service that was supposed to begin by 7;00am.Janet was there . I never knew she was an usher .she was putting on a red suit over a red high heel shoe`-usher uniform for christmas day. She has a long hair ,blue eyes lined with thick lashes. She couldnt hide her happiness in seeing me as she smiled revealing her dimples before spreading her arms wide to engolf me. i could percieve the Passion Perfume she wore. She Pulled herself out and pointed to the front row asking me to go sit there. I nodded my head horizontally in disagrement and proceeded instead to the last seat instead,. I sat there replaying the hug in my mind. T his was the first time i had managed to still a hug from her.

At 7 prompt, service started with singing, the guy leading the praise sang offkey with cacophonous and incoherent voice.. The congtregation didn’t seem to care.they were dancing. All dancing steps were on display ,mskelewu,awiklo,kukere name it . I was busy admiring Janet my crush as she twisted ,wined and twerked her waist.
Finally the songs came to a screeching halt to pave way for sermon.

The whole congregation rose as the man of God walked majestically to the pulpit. He looked robust with chocolate skin oval face and broad nose.he looked more like a popstar than a pastor.His jerry curly hairwas shining . His golden coloured suit worn over same coloured hair made him unique amongs all. He grabed the microphone and wished everyone a happyxmas.He acknowledged the usher for beautiful red attire in preparation for this day.he spent 30mins preaching on the need to prepare for an event. In the middle of he se mon, he stopped .,went down on his knees and muttered some words to himself for about five minutes.then with a loud voice,he shouted

”God is not haPpy;; how many of you have planned for your death? God is not happy that you spend months preparing for your wedding and xmas yet you forgetr to plan for your funeral. Kneel down abnd pray that God doesn’t unleash his anger on you..”

everyone went down their knees miuttering words of prayer. I watched dispassionately for a while. The old man sitting beside me used tissue to clean the tear juting from his eyes as he cried while praying. I could see Janet praying vigorously ,clapping her hand and kicking the wall. I could see her veins all over her face as she prayed forcefully. The once glowing beautiful face washed away.The love I had for her faded instantly. Janet should know that it is not a sin to fail to plan for ones burial.

The cries gradually faded until only silence was left.the pastor lifted up his hands to the heaven and said.

‘God has heard your supplication but true repentance is off deed and not words. He has giving you a chance to show how truly repentant you are. A chance to plan for your death. A chance to choose your own coffin. Do you want it white or golden in colour. Do you want to be buried with the crucifix of jesus Christ?

He gestured with his hands and ushers immediately sprung into action.some men in suit stood up and went outside the church premises. They arrived almost immediately carrying various kinds of coffin into the church premises.ushers went to each member with a magazine displaying pictures of various attractive coffins and their cost labeled beneath. Each member chose the coffin of his taste . those who had the money paid cash while orthers paid some percentage to be redeemed later. Arrangement could be made to deliver each cpoffin to each members house. It wasn’t longbefore Janet came to my row SIGNALLING the oldman beside me TO CHOOSE the coffin of his taste from the magazine.
I had had enough. I excused myself to pee walked out of the church premises vowing never to step my foot here again

5 thoughts on “Coffin On Christmas” by tobechi74 (@tobechi)

  1. Nelson c.j (@Chetty)

    I’m impressed. This is a chilling story, absurd , and highly enjoyable.

    The crafty and engaging plot melted away the typographical errs. Amazing piece if I do say so myself.

    Finally, your loathing for the mismanagement and misconduct in churches was very well passed across.

    Merry xmas bro. More space to your imaginary room.

    1. tobechi74 (@tobechi)

      i am glad you enjoyed it. Thanks

  2. Jon Doe (@just2day)

    This got a chuckle out of me. Won’t step on the mine field that is religion but i have to say i enjoyed your work

    1. tobechi74 (@tobechi)

      joe ,thanks for stopping by

  3. Eze Ifeanyichukwu Peter (@Pete)

    Hilariously absurd…

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