I Love You And It Hurts

Letter From An Autistic Child

Dear mother,
I know you’d be surprise to read from me. It might also surprise you to know I could be bold to say everything you’re about to read. I couldn’t hoard it in anymore. I just had to let it out somehow.

I can feel the disdain in your heart each time you see me. Sometimes you cry and ask God why you had to birth such a disaster! Yeah, I know you always see me as one.
You try to imagine who you had offended and why they had to punish you this way; punishment through birthing an autistic child.

You moan within whenever you see me do those awkward things. Believe me, I don’t know why I do them. It just comes naturally and it’s an impulse I can’t help; I can’t keep it under control even if I tried. I never really meant to hurt you. I guess fate made it this way. Your thoughts that I might be possessed are not true. Autism can’t and will never make me a possessed child.

You smile each time you see my brothers and sister dressed up and looking smart. I was never able to make you smile like them. I would have messed my outfit with saliva or playfully dismantled the clothes you had neatly wore for me. You felt like hitting me, but something always held your hand back and you wished I was never born. I’m jealous of your special treatment for them you know? Who wouldn’t want to make his or her mother happy?

One thing though mummy, I wish you could give me same special treatment. I long to be loved like them. I’ve never been to school before and I might never understand what is being thought there, but I wish you could help me understand even at home or even employ a home teacher for me like you did for my little brother sometimes ago.

I saw a show on TV the other day and they talked about some kids with, I think they said something like “Down Syndrome” and some other name I can’t remember. I saw some kids who were like me and I heard them say “autistic children can live a normal life like every other child!”
Mummy you just need to see them! Unlike me, they were very happy and cheerful! Some of them even show cased some hand made stuff they had made on their own. Mummy, their parents loves them. You will feel it even from their actions on the screen. Too bad only daddy treats me like that when he’s eventually home. But somehow, you two always signaled to each other to take me to my room whenever a guest arrives.

Can’t I live a normal life like everyone?
Must I have to live each day hiding forever?
When will I ever feel like you are truly my parents?
Why must my life be unbearable and I’ll always be the odd one?
I guess I’ll never get to understand, probably because I was cursed and unlike those happy kids in the TV, I am from a family and society who looks down on every one with a challenge as a nobody!

Mummy it was never my fault that I had to be this way. I hope you get to understand that fact and love me like your child.
I love you mum! Yes I truly do!
I might never be able to express it to you in a way you’ll understand, but I truly love you too!
I love my sister and I love my brothers too! Especially the youngest one who is growing each day to look more like me. Though they have followed suit with you to treat me like a nobody, but I’ll always see myself in him. He’s always in my prayers and everyone of you too.

I hope daddy gets to read this too. I might not be your favorite child, but you will always be my favorite parents! I don’t have any other parent anyway.
You don’t have to change because I wrote this, but I want to believe you’ll know and understand that “no child is more special” we all came to this world through the same process. My defect shouldn’t make me less important!

I love you so much! So much than you would ever love me and it hurts, but I’ll always love you anyway!

From your autistic child!

8 thoughts on “I Love You And It Hurts” by Fikayo (@@fikayomi)

  1. Vanessa's writings (@Vanessa)

    So sad and yet so true! Dear autistic child, I’m coming for you!
    Nice one, Fikayo!

  2. Adanna Otuechere (@Ada123)

    So sad!!!

  3. Fikayo (@@fikayomi)

    @Vanessa I’m waiting for you, the child screams!

    Thank you!

  4. Fikayo (@@fikayomi)

    @Ada123 really pathetic! 😔

  5. Nelson c.j (@Chetty)


  6. So touching. We do need to spare a though for kids with Special Needs

  7. Fikayo (@@fikayomi)

    Yeah… They are not different from other Kids!

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