It is no longer news that a tsunami of change recently swept through Nigeria with the country witnessing for the first time democratic change of power from a ruling political party to the opposition party putting to shame and disappointment those who had predicted that the Country will break up by 2015. This mantra of change still hovers in the air even though the recent ministerial list sent by President Buhari to the senate has left some people doubting if the much needed change is really coming. I just want to use this medium to share some of my thoughts on how we can effect change in Nigeria.
The first thing we have to do is to change the name of the country. The name “Nigeria” was given to us by our British colonial masters or as some historians say by Lord Lugards wife, I think we ought to have been given the right to choose what to call ourselves. Other countries like Gold Coast (now Ghana), Burma (now Myanmar), Siam (now Thailand) have done it so why not Nigeria. Having gone through a lot of options I eventually decided to settle on “Corruptia” since Nigeria is known for corruption (I don’t agree with amnesty international recent list of the most corrupt countries in the world I believe Nigeria ought to be number one or at least among the five most corrupt countries on that list). There is no doubt that we love corruption, what better proof is there to show this than when we organize rallies and demonstrations to show our support for our corrupt leaders who alledgely falsified their assets, when those who steal from the public treasury are role models and praised and even have the audacity to ask us to pray for them for quick recovery from ailments like cancer forgetting the cancer of corruption they have brought upon us, when our president who promised us change sends a ministerial list to the legislature with names of people with questionable characters or to be blunt corrupt people. Its like we are born with corruption running through our veins, we are born in corruption and in corruption we shall die or to borrow and twist the biblical quote ” those who live by corruption shall die by corruption “. I can just picture one of us at the immigration counter of a foreign country been told ” oh so you are from Corruptia or oh so you are a Corruptian” or our own immigration officials welcoming foreigners with this words ” Welcome to Corruptia where everything goes”. We will have a new flag with our motto as ” unfaithfulness and lies, theft and fraud ” and a national pledge that will go thus ” I pledge to Corruptia my country, to be unfaithful disloyal and dishonest……. (you can fill in the blanks that is if you can still recite our national pledge).
The second thing we need to do is to change our religion. Everyone knows we love our religion, we steal in the name of our religion, we kill each other all in the name of religion. We are so passionate about religion that some say we are the most religious people in the world I’m still baffled at how there is so much evil in a country as religious as Nigeria. Both Islam and Christianity are foreign religions so we may as well do away with them and create our new and official religion which will be called “Kurruptianism” with a God we will call “Kurrupt” (not the american rapper kurrupt). We will tear down our mosques, our churches and shrines and build temples dedicated to worshipping Kurrupt. We will send our missionaries to other countries just like the Muslims and Christians did to us. Our missionaries will preach and teach others how to do corrupt acts with full confidence and without the fear of getting arrested or caught and if caught how to wriggle out by bribing the police, judges e.t.c. If our missionaries get arrested for spreading corruption our government will turn it into a diplomatic row, recall our ambassador to the country or even expell there ambassador. If its really bad we will even go to war with that country (although I fear our army which has been unable to tackle boko haram can win a war against even a country like Niger). We will protest to the United Nations that our fundamental right to freedom of religion is been trampled upon.
Since most religions have holy pilgrimages like the Muslim hajj to Mecca, the Kumbh Mela Hindu festival we will have our own (which will be without the type of loss of lives recently witnessed in Saudi Arabia). During this pilgrimage foreigners and non believers will be allowed to practice corrupt acts like bribing the police and public servants, stealing from our national treasury, kidnappings, extortion, pilgrims will even be allowed to play grand theft auto for real and not as a game. But after the pilgrimage only Corruptians and those who believe and practice Kurruptianism will be allowed to do all these acts. We will also have to get our most corrupt past and future leaders (like the last administration did with the national conference recently) to sit down together and write a holy book to be known as ” Holy Kurrupta “.
Finally given the recent fall in the price of crude oil which accounts for most of our earnings the need to diversify our economy has become a necessity (whenever the price of oil goes up Nigeria laughs and if it goes down Nigeria cries) and seeing that our next best thing which is agriculture has suffered a setback with the European Unions recent ban on exporting some of our agricultural products on the basis that we use too much pesticides (if they can eat genetically modified food what’s the harm in eating food with just a little bit more pesticides than necessary) anyway since they don’t want our food we will export 419, yahoo yahoo, prostitution, drug trafficking, ATM and credit card fraud on a grand scale to them.
Before I forget happy fifty fith (55) birthday you big old fool.