I have lived with this morbid torment for two whole months. If worry and fear killed very fast, the rains should have washed away the prints on my obituary by now. I’d have been long gone. But they are slow devils. They kill you slowly, but surely. And if surely, then I’ll die anyway. It’s only a matter of time.
I was on my own, living my chaste life, pursuing my degree, when she showed up from no where. No, she showed up from my neighbour’s. Linda attended Nekede polytechnic, I attended FUTO. She recently got admitted, I was already in my fourth year. We became friends. I can’t explain how and why she took special interest in me amidst all the boys in EFCC lodge (that was what our residence was called). All the other boys had tried to woo her into becoming their girlfriend, but she declined them. Lala, my closest pal in the lodge, even tried to venture into her, but she refused him the adventure!
Me? I wasn’t interested. I wasn’t into girls. I wasn’t gay, but I also wasn’t game. I had no desire to participate and I had no girlfriend. Gosh!, I just had three lives, one was school, the other was fellowship, the last was my laptop!! I loved my books, devoted to my God and obsessed over my laptop. I loved movies. I wasn’t anti-social. In fact, I was sometimes the life of the party, the rib-cracker, public speaker, and, (fill it in), the good singer. I got along with everybody. It wasn’t long before I started to connect with Linda, innocently. They saw her body language towards me and told me she liked me. I was not in for a relationship.
We both became good friends. She was a wonderful girl. She was of a good character and that endeared her to me. Fast forward few weeks… She started bringing me food, I started bringing money (husband and wife huh? With your daddy’s money, huh?). We lived like a family, me, Linda, Lala and Favour (who also attended FUTO). Exams drew near and we all started studying together. My room was the reading centre. We had all-night classes. I’d wake them all up and we would read till the morning. Sometimes, Lala and Favour never came because ‘they were tired,’ leaving the two of us alone. This night, we were alone. Or maybe not. It appears
the Devil came.
Earlier in the day, while she went to the market to purchase items for egusi soup (which was my favourite), she fell and struck her side against a metal pipe. The pain had begun to unsettle her and I offered to massage the spot. It was 02:06 am.
She lifted her singlet to reveal the spot, which was a pale purple. I massaged it and she winced and moaned as I did.
(At this point, I don’t know if I should tell you the rest of what happened or just leave you to imagine it. Ok)
I kissed her after the massage. I was scared, but she showed no emotion. She only closed her eyes. I did it again, this time much longer. I laid her on the bed, took off her clothes and asked her if I should go on, she nodded. She was shy, she closed her eyes all through the act. I was shy too. It was my first time. I only used my finger. Shameful.
We continued like this for four days at a stretch. 02am till 05am. I later entered. But that was when my fear and worry started. My conscience began to speak. It followed me everywhere stoning me with condemnation. I would hold the mic on sunday to sing, and I will see my miserable life standing before me. But that was not the worst. Pregnancy!
I lived everyday with the fear that I may have gotten her pregnant, and she was only 18. I was 22.
Jesus! I didn’t think of mummy, daddy? The church? All my friends who called me mentor? My lecturers who loved me? My neighbours who thought I was a saint? What would they say?
I bought her white quinine, suggested by a pharmacist. But that did not make me feel any relaxed. The fact that I even gave her contraceptives haunted me. The worst was that she was not bothered. She carried on like nothing was wrong. I lived everyday in palpable, heavy, oppressive fear. And it has not abated.
She has gone for a PT, and it came out negative, but I still can’t get myself to think that all is well within her. Please forgive me Lord, and help me not to get into a situation where I might murder a helpless soul on its way to life.