I’d likely compare her to a half-eaten candy bar, Cadbury to be precise, not really sure why I would, but I just would… maybe it’s because I’m being left to finish what another man started, or maybe it’s just cuz I like chocolate bars, irrespective of whether they’ve been partially eaten or not, I can’t really say.
Despite the fact tho, I’m still appreciative of the other guy’s efforts to leave some of the chocolatey goodness I call my crush behind, at least for me to get a good taste of her before she melts away, or something like that.
But, this female I speak of is barely aware of my existence as a person, which of course I find vaguely insulting. The only place where we’ve had any pseudo-physical contact is in my head, just my head. I’ve kissed her on multiple occasions there, we even had triplets at a point in time, but then about 12 fantasies or so down the line, I saw myself dodging child support, go figure…
I really like this girl, or woman, or whatever she qualifies as, but presently, I’m a slave to my own thoughts. I seem to be so satisfied with the idea of triple jumping from one thought bubble to another, seeking solace in the concept of a hypothetical union between the both of us, that I find it hard to start a real one… Well that and the obvious fact that she’s drop-dead gorgeous, so I probably don’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell of getting her to acknowledge my presence for anything more than a nanosecond if that isn’t asking too much, talkless of expressing my feelings for her… Even if I were to reincarnate as a Dwayne Johnson/Denzel Washington/Mike Ealey mega-hybrid, which would be tantamount to genetic embezzlement, her answer would most likely still be a flat-out “NO”, regardless of how visually appealing I may be…..it’s a mere speculation tho, but I’m hardly optimistic.
This is what I’m faced with. My inability to approach the girl I admire, tell her how I feel, and patiently wait for either a show of acceptance or a show of indifference, whichever comes first. But sometimes, I genuinely wonder (I do that sometimes) whether I’d actually receive perpetual gratification from the fact that I actually did manage to bag her, if I ever do… So I ask myself, is it possible that longing for something, is in actual fact better than having it ? I’ve heard it said that satisfaction is the death of desire; and logically, when desire dies, ennui sets in… and when ennui sets in, you tend to seek satisfaction emotionally or otherwise, where and whence you can…am I right? Which could lead to all sorts of nasty stuff like; unspecified venereal diseases, insults, tears, more tears, Taylor Swift’s entire discography mysteriously finding its way into your music library, distrust, broken hearts, broken arms, stitches, compound fractures, alimony, and a lot of other physically and psychologically damaging things. So I ask myself again, am I better off staying restricted within the confines of my cranium, flirting with every unlikely thought that pops in my head, or should I just go for broke, tell her how I feel, and watch what happens? Once again, I have no idea …Questions like these are better answered while under the influence, say after 8 rounds of Whiskey, or better yet 10… matter fact, make that a 12…………. or 13, maybe 14.
Obviously, my unwillingness to approach her is what seems to be holding my interest; she seems unattainable, and naturally, humans beings will always want what they can’t have. But again, of what significance is the interest I have in her if I’m not willing to follow up on it? In the long run, my quote and unquote feelings for her’ll simply amount to nothing more than a means to sustain myself internally, and also as an avenue for me to save myself from emotional boredom… for the most part.
I don’t really know, but I think for now, I’ll just kick it in my head, everything looks, sounds, and feels a lot safer in there…until a time when nature would be so gracious as to lend me a pair of balls that weigh somewhere between 30 and 40 pounds or thereabout, or at least just something heavy enough to break the ice, I’ll simply be floating through the clouds, waiting for gravity to act upon my meagre frame and either make me fall in love or back to reality…till then